To lose my temper at MIL

[SwordToFlamethrower]

A while ago, we decided to give MIL the benefit of the doubt. She helped us out with IVF and has been trying her best to be nice after years of being rude, offensive, and judgmental towards me.

We've welcomed her into our home and she enjoys her new granddaughter.

Last time she visited at Christmas, she voiced her "concerns" that I was still breastfeeding my DD who was 13 months old, saying that there is no nutritional value and that cow's milk is better. This went on for half an hour and instead of getting angry, we calmly explained how she was wrong and milk has health benefits for 2 years and more if both mother and baby are still happy to do it. This was while she was sat right next to me as I was nursing.

Other things happened during that 3 day visit too, but I held myself in check to be nice. But I was very glad when she left.

Fast foward to last night and MIL phoned to say hi. DH had the phone on loudspeaker as he was cooking and he whispered "shall I tell her?" And i whispered back, "ok what's the worst she can say?"

So DH told MIL that I'd just had a miscarriage.

Well, I did say what's the worst she could say, didn't I?

The first thing out of her mouth was "oh no! Well you know it probably happened because OP is STILL breastfeeding".

I lost it at that point and told her that her comments were rude, offensive and wrong.

She said she was just being "dispassionate" about it.

I said we never asked for her to be dispassionate, we told her because she is interested in our lives and thought she would be sympathetic. Not blame me for my own miscarriage because I'm still breastfeeding!

After another half an hour on the phone, she finally backed down and apologised.

I'm typing on my phone so I can't open a poll, sorry!

AIBU to grey rock her from now on

Or should I have known better and expected her to say something awful, therefore it isn't her fault?

I’m not clear why your husband told her?

Did you know IVF clinics still require women to have stopped BF before any transfers as it can impact success?

Did you know ivf clinics wouldn’t then turn around and blame a woman suffering a loss. Stop being so bloody horrible.

Do you understand scientific research? The article you linked to, claiming it supported your position that the op's breastfeeding is likely to be a cause of her miscarriage, directly contradicts it. Complementary feeding which includes breastfeeding results, according to your article, in lower rates of miscarriage than that observed in women who do not breastfeed.

I am so sorry op. If you are trying for a new baby do consider stopping breastfeeding,there is a slight connection of miscarriage,breastfeeding hormone is prolactin where for pregnancy you need progesterone which is surpressed during nursing, prolactin also causes uterine contractions (hence why its great to nurse as soon as baby is born for uterus to contract and start to return to its original position)

i am high risk pregnant for many reasons and tried once to nurse and fall pregnant. I lost that pregnancy in the first trimester. My ob advised to stop nursing completely,and i had a baby with the next pregnancy

Based on the article you linked to, it would seem they would be better off advising women to mix feed, including breast milk, as that has a lower rate of miscarriage than not including breast milk.

Thank you. Even a short pregnancy is enough to make room in your heart and life for a new baby and mentally plan for it. All for it to disappear in a puff of smoke.

It's all still very raw.

DD is 15 months old and this was only my 4th menstral cycle post partum. We didn't think we needed to use contraception as we both have fertility issues!

We tried for over 6 years and didn't get a single BFP.

Only IVF worked. So it was such a shock, we were very happy about the pregnancy.

*other hormone is oxycontin that is injected to induce labour and after birth to induce uterine contractions, in nature oxycontin is produced naturally by nursing.

Again, why are you determined to hurt someone suffering a loss?

Again, why are you determined to ignore basic facts of biology?

If you look at the most recent meta-analysis, they included two studies which found and increased risk and three which didn't. (Table 2)
https://www.maedica.ro/articles/2023/3/2023_18(21)_No3_pg463-469.pdf
Even the ones which did, the increased risk was mainly EBF which the OP is unlikely to be doing at 15 months.

Personally, I think anyone is mad to choose to breastfeed for longer than 6 months, but it's none of your mother in law's business and your DH needs to be telling her that.

OP, if you have had mcs have a look on Tommys website about progesterone prescription- 400-800mg a day reduced mcs by 40 percent in the first trimester. print it out and take it to your doctor, so if you get pos again, you can call up and start progesterone immediately, it also reduces early labour risk in second and third trimester

Are you actually going to address my comment? And if not, why are you quoting me?

You are full of shit. Honey.

1. I’m not ignoring it, you keep banging on about it.
2. Its not helpful or relevant to keep going on about something so hurtful.

now you answer. Why are you so determined to hurt someone suffering a loss?

@Dancingtuna stop being a troll. A ivf clinic wouldn't blame a woman for a miscarriage, so why are you so desperate to?
No wonder people are leaving MN is droves with people like you on here. Just plain nasty.

Its any nursing, as long as milk is being produced, the hormones are present. As mentioned above ivf clinics would not start any treatment until its been 3 months no nursing at all. Some womens are more sensitive than others

Yes, I am aware of this and had some spare progesterone from my IVF rounds, which i started taking as soon as I got my BFP, but it ended very quickly anyway.

Thank you for commenting thiugh because someone might read it and not know about it. It all helps!

OP did not ask if she was being unreasonable to breastfeed while TTC/pregnant.
OP did not ask if she caused her own miscarriage.
OP did not ask if her MIL was factual.

OP asked if she was unreasonable to have lost her temper at someone who blamed her for her own miscarriage when she is clearly still grieving.

If one of your friends came to you having suffered a miscarriage, would you blame them for it?

Well, according to the study linked to by a pp, mixed feeding has a lower risk of miscarriage than not breastfeeding.

I don't think it matters if MIL was correct or incorrect on the associated risks, it was a dispassionate response in that moment, and her thoughts and input on the topic were not invited.

Before making a big decision about going NC with her, consider fully the impact on your DD and her future family life, and also on your DH of that decision. Now that your DD has a relationship with your MIL, there will be a loss there. Do not make this decision when you are acutely hurt and grieving - let things settle.

It may be that a simple "Whilst I note your concerns, I will be taking medical advice about what is best for my and my daughter's health and development only from my doctor/s, midwife and health visitor, and do not seek any additional input at this time." may suffice. Your partner has to be fully on board with this - you cannot take this position and then have him calling his mum up for any sort of related health/parenting advice. Either her opinion is invited or it isn't, full stop, or she will not get the message.

I’d not say it but I’d think it

As would anyone with common sense

Thank you, finally someone with a little sense

IVF clinics across the country wouldn’t tell women not to BF for no reason

Read it fully.

Associated risks are fully explained.

Don't be a Muppet!

Yes exactly. I didn't ask my MIL if I should stop breastfeeding my toddler, I told her we we grieving the loss of an unexpected but wanted pregnancy.

She has a massive issue with breastfeeding in general.

She once said that any woman who bf past 12 months is a sick pervert who gets off on it, sexually.

She came to see us and tried to shame me into quitting because it will cause growth issues and developmental delays if I continue.

Now she has tried to blame my breastfeeding on losing a baby.

She has form for being a bully only lately she doesn't actually shout at me, she still is a bully, but uses a sickly sweet voice, pretending to be "concerned" when really, she has an anti breastfeeding agenda.

She once called her own nipples "two extra clitorises". So she actually thinks that breastfeeding is sexually pleasurable.