Boundaries for Grandparents…

[Jazzeyfizzle89]

Hi all, hoping to get some advice and find out AIBU when it comes to Grandparents and boundaries/ rules for babysitting.

Over the last year or so had a lot of issues with Nanny and rules/ boundaries. Bottom line is she doesn’t respect them and says they are pedantic. Always referring back to how she thinks it should be done and that time at Nanny’s is fun and I need not worry how she cares for them in this time.

Rules are - bedtime stuck to as closely as possible, if having a later night / going away/ adjusting routine ask first, don’t leave them in someone’s else care without asking/ telling us (this has happened), no drinks for 6YO after tea time as he might bed wet. If we impose screen limits / treat limit due to bad behaviour at home etc (which is rare), this follows there.

I personally don’t feel this is a lot to ask. But always, always one of these rules at least will not be followed or will cause a stressful debate prior/ after them going.

This has come to a head as on this occasion she has trimmed our son’s hair, without asking or telling me. I only found this out via my childminder. My son told her it was as I said that I don’t like his hair, this is not categorically not true and is also not the first time something untrue has been said.

Going back/ forth with her to seek understanding / resolution. She has eventually apologised but the apology is alongside explanations as to why it’s ok i.e it wasn’t a lot if anything taken off, I used proper scissors, my mom did it for mine.

To me then she does not see the point and similar will recur. She flat out denies what my son has said she said, again she always does.

It gets to a point whereby now she is dragging up the rules (with exaggerations) i.e we were once unavailable at bedtime so asked her not to nighttime call but we would message once able to check they’d settled. This has now become they are never allowed to call you when with us, erm not true! And then again if I do call her in this time, I’m imposing on their time.

And somehow I am now unreasonable, she is hurt/ upset, she is hard done by. And I find myself sitting here feeling like maybe I’m the one overreacting?? Am I giving her a hard time?? Then the father in law is angry with us that I’ve upset her 🤦‍♀️

Thanks for your patience if you got this far! Any advice welcome as I’m honestly at the end of my tether here x

If you don't like how they do it then you're just going to have to stop asking them to babysit

Don’t leave your child with them. That will stop all this nonsense.

How did you find out about the hair via your childminder? Did you not notice yourself?

Stop using babysitting then

My parents / inlaws my child followed their rules

Hang on, I get most of your points but seriously you don't give your 6 year old a drink after their last meal of the day and before bed in case they wet the bed is that really healthy?

Hmmm, I’m undecided. A long list of rules is a bit OTT. But obviously not leaving your child with someone else isn’t acceptable. (Although I wouldn’t mind if it was someone I knew).

I go with a ‘grandma’s house, grandma’s rules’ approach because it gives us leeway to explain to DC why things might be contradictory and allows GPs to enforce rules that are important to them that we might allow.

You are digging yourself a big hole.

If you want GP to babysit (presumably for free) then you are going to have to go with the flow on most of that. Leaving child with someone else is not great, but depends on the circumstances.

If you want to dictate rules and regulations and then moan when they are not followed, then you need paid help, not family.

The way you are going about it will end in them saying "no thanks, we are not available" and then you will have to find someone else. Don't damage the long term relationship over babysitting, they will be GPs for longer than they will be babysitters.

My son told the childminder and she told me on collection. No I had not noticed as they’d had it cut before going and when left it was styled with gel. She has told me it was wonky in her opinion so she “fixed it” I can’t see that she took much at all off, but that isn’t really my point.

No drinks after tea time was one of the doctors suggestions to my parents when I was that age and had a bedwetting problem.

My parents made sure I drank plenty earlier in the afternoon so I was fully hydrated before stopping drinking.

Don’t have her babysitting then. Problem solved.

We have childcare that we pay for. When they go to grandparents it is at their request, sometimes we might use this time to do something but we never ask/ assume they will babysit.

If you don’t like how she looks after your DC’s don’t ask to look after them.
We didn’t ask grandparents to follow any rules - we trusted them to look after DC’s and most importantly have a good time.

@CaffiSaliMali fair enough, thank you for sharing your experience just on first read it seemed bit arbitrary

If they are staying at granny’s then I’d let her deal with the fallout of the bed wetting tbh.

Yes. It was health visitor who suggested this to us. He drinks plenty just has cut off time.

I won’t be carrying out punishments at my house for DGS for something that has happened at his parent’s house. That’s not on imo. When he comes here, it will be for fun. Obviously I won’t be cutting his hair, or doing anything that might make him wet the bed, but when he’s at granny’s he’s here for fun. Keep your punishments at home.

If he wets the bed at granny’s house does it matter? If he has a later night at her house does that matter? Does it matter if he gets a few more treats there? Probably not.
I think you either need to let it go or not let them babysit. You can’t expect someone to have your child for free then try and impose your rules on them

I don’t see how the free comes into it? They have them at their request. It does matter as a) he shares a bed there with his brother b) despite reassurance he gets embarrassed about it c) we have them back the next day when they’re overtired and emotional and deal with the “why do we have to go to bed at this time here; we don’t at Nanny’s” in the days that follow.

Trimmed a bit of loose hair off, after a shonky haircut … that you didn’t even notice, and you made her apologise ? You had to have a long “back and forth” about it, to gain yourself a “resolution” ? Really ?

What’s wrong with going to bed a bit later? It all sounds way too scheduled.. where’s the fun?

Yes I think you are overly controlling and over reacting.

Are there your parents or your partners ?

I can see you perspective on this, this is more so my husband’s rule. That said when I was a kid my grandparents did follow through on what was set at home, if I misbehaved and lost they’d remind me why I should listen to my parents as this is the consequence. It didn’t do me any harm and we have a very loving relationship.

My children used to go to grandma's and apart from teeth that had to be cleaned ,there were no other rules.
Guess what though ,they absolutely loved her to bits and had a fantastic relationship with her.
How old are your children?
I look after my Granddaughter overnight quite often ,and there always has been a very loose routine but again teeth is the only non negotiable rule. My daughter has always been extremely grateful for any babysitting/ sleepovers.

The haircutting - not acceptable
Expecting them to mete out a punishment from you - absolutely unacceptable, terrible parenting.
Having a drink or later bedtime - you are being unreasonable about this.

Gel on a 6 year olds hair

Why do you keep allowing them to have DC overnight if it’s causing these problems?

Just see grandparents when you are there to supervise. It’s a load of unnecessary drama.

I agree with OP...I think its just come across as controlling when it isn't.
Im gran and have my grandson few times week and stays over twice week..i abide by my daughters guidelines...infact he goes bed earlier here 🤣. I agree up to a point about punishment from home being consistent here too... although with some i do bend it a bit. Kids start playing adults off each other so its all about consistency regarding behaviour. However OP... as a gran i dont stick completely to his mums rules unless its paramount..but i do to most..eg let him watch youtube even if mum said no because behaviour..tbh im getting on and disabled ...entertaining a 12 year old without tv .. laptop...xbox...is difficult...id rather take him out but not always possible if im having bad day. I think..give a little leeway to dgp but the rules that cant be swayed stick to. We want time for kids to be fun at gp house..else they'll stop wanting to come therefore will cost you a childminder