Boundaries for Grandparents…

[Jazzeyfizzle89]

Hi all, hoping to get some advice and find out AIBU when it comes to Grandparents and boundaries/ rules for babysitting.

Over the last year or so had a lot of issues with Nanny and rules/ boundaries. Bottom line is she doesn’t respect them and says they are pedantic. Always referring back to how she thinks it should be done and that time at Nanny’s is fun and I need not worry how she cares for them in this time.

Rules are - bedtime stuck to as closely as possible, if having a later night / going away/ adjusting routine ask first, don’t leave them in someone’s else care without asking/ telling us (this has happened), no drinks for 6YO after tea time as he might bed wet. If we impose screen limits / treat limit due to bad behaviour at home etc (which is rare), this follows there.

I personally don’t feel this is a lot to ask. But always, always one of these rules at least will not be followed or will cause a stressful debate prior/ after them going.

This has come to a head as on this occasion she has trimmed our son’s hair, without asking or telling me. I only found this out via my childminder. My son told her it was as I said that I don’t like his hair, this is not categorically not true and is also not the first time something untrue has been said.

Going back/ forth with her to seek understanding / resolution. She has eventually apologised but the apology is alongside explanations as to why it’s ok i.e it wasn’t a lot if anything taken off, I used proper scissors, my mom did it for mine.

To me then she does not see the point and similar will recur. She flat out denies what my son has said she said, again she always does.

It gets to a point whereby now she is dragging up the rules (with exaggerations) i.e we were once unavailable at bedtime so asked her not to nighttime call but we would message once able to check they’d settled. This has now become they are never allowed to call you when with us, erm not true! And then again if I do call her in this time, I’m imposing on their time.

And somehow I am now unreasonable, she is hurt/ upset, she is hard done by. And I find myself sitting here feeling like maybe I’m the one overreacting?? Am I giving her a hard time?? Then the father in law is angry with us that I’ve upset her 🤦‍♀️

Thanks for your patience if you got this far! Any advice welcome as I’m honestly at the end of my tether here x

It did… it’s logical! That’s the reason I don’t have a large cup of anything an hour before bed as otherwise I’d be up at 4 am needing the loo. People don’t become dehydrated ( such an overused word) by not having a long drink before bed! Of course have a few sips to quench thirst.
My children had no urinary issues at all!

Jeez, that comes across as a big chip on your shoulder ( maybe you didn’t intend it to be but the shouty assertions of your rights 🫣).
that’s fine, but don’t be surprised when people stop offering to look after your kids..at the end of the day you benefit from that

But you’re only going around 7-8 hours without hydration. A child can sleep for 12 hours! Their bodes are smaller and kidneys less developed

im not arguing that deprivation of fluid my help a bed wetter, but don’t infer that because an adult can manage a child can.

Didn't intend it to be shouty, just emphasised some words with capitals. An underline would also have worked 🤷🏻‍♀️

My kids spend loadssss of time with my (divorced) parents, as my parents accepted very early on that I am in charge. I remember the exact conversation "my baby, my rules... You had Ur go, I turned out great, well done!"

Of course, the flip side is that when I'M (there I go again!) a grandparent I will just have to bite my tongue and let my children/their OH set the rules.

But I hereby swear not to cause constant unpleasantness like OP's MIL. I guess that was my point, it's the parents' job to raise the kids, not the grandparents.

Also, my kids have lots of fun with my parents, and do things they wouldn't be allowed at home - because my parents respect my wishes on the big things, I give them loose reins on the small things.

Totally off topic but I often feel I am neuro divergent, the way I put things seems to rub people up the wrong way. It's never my intention 😭

Well that comes with viewing that grandparents looking after your kids is doing them a favour only.

in a large number of cases , grandparents are looking after their grandkids to do parents the favour. We don’t all live for the privilege of looking after so,done else’s kids - been there and done it with our own

for what it’s worth - no gc ..possibly never will as kids declare the world is so doomed they’re not bringing children into it 😱🤷🏼‍♀️. But my parents and PIL wer not available to baby sit whether they wanted the “pleasure” or not …my mum dead at young age, PIL 400 miles away, dad in another country with new partner. So, maybe view that you have a degree of privilege thst you can pull on grandparents if needed as well as your generous visiting rights you deem to give them, on your terms.

👍thanks for explanation of the “shouty”…youre points are now much better made 😊

I have absolutely no idea what happened when mine stayed with my parents. They did a bloody good job bringing us up and I had no reason to think they wouldn’t do the same with mine. I always took the view that what happened at Granny’s stayed at Granny’s.

Let her do it her way at her house. Nothing wrong with granny treating them a little - that’s what being a granny is about!

BounceHighBaby · Today 13:31
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“That poster is right.
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Looking after our children is a privilege, not a right. If you don’t respect us enough to listen to us then you lose that privilege. No skin off my nose”

You are in a privileged position yourself to be able to hold that opinion.
Many parents now don’t have any choice but to use grandparents for child care. Equally, I’m sure many of those grandparents, who are making their children’s lives much easier, often (on MN anyway) with little gratitude, and who have done their bit bringing up their own families, don’t always view long days with little ones as a privilege, however much they love them.

How old are the children /child.

How often do they ask to baby sit.

If I were the grandmother I would stop babysitting. You sound like hard work.

Nor do I.

Still up more than once!

But as pertaining to children - was suggested for one of my DGC who was still wetting at 9. Made no difference at all. They just grew out of it in the end

@aliceinanwonderland your dcwere dry during the night because the hormone that is required to stop them peeing in their sleep was there at that age. That's all it is. It's hormonal. You cannot night potty train. End of.

I suggest some research on this before you have grandkids of your own and make their parents feel bad for their 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9yo wets the bed.

Your child your rules. I'd never go against anything my daughter wanted in respect to her children

jamswell · Today 14:13

Your child your rules. I'd never go against anything my daughter wanted in respect to her children”

Never? If she told you to smack them or feed them pot noodles for dinner?

My mother used to fill mine with sweets and cake. It was always a joy that they were happy to go and she was happy to have them. Sadly not often because we were so far away.

I'll happily help out my dc from time to time when they have children. However probably less so if my dil were to be as dictatorial as the op. I think it's awful. The GP don't have to ha e the GC and many many couples don't have that privilege.

I look after my two grandsons two days a week. I mainly follow dd's wishes. They eat healthily, play outside when possible and wreck my house when playing indoors 😂.
When one comes for a sleepover it's different. Bedtime is a bit later than home and he gets hot chocolate and popcorn after dinner. Dd is well aware of that though. I would never cut either boys hair.
I think you are overreacting a bit. I would not agree to carrying on punishments from home. That's unfair on both grandparents and child. Tablet time is limited anyway. I've given dgs1 a drink at supper time and I get him up for the toilet before I go to bed. I did it with his mum when she was that age. If the bed is wet, I'll wash the bedding. It's no big deal. Your mil and you seem to rub each other up the wrong way.

I have read your update which was a little more reasonable but I do wonder how you will manage and compromise as your children get older…and have their own views on their own needs.

Is it news to you that pot noodles are an economic necessity for some families?

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Rosindub
Is it news to you that pot noodles are an economic necessity for some families?

Apologies, yes that was a stupid, thoughtless comment.
I hope we can agree about snacking.

Smacking! Auto-correct

The hair or leaving with other people is nuts, and the drink thing is for your child’s own good but I think other than that you have to accept screen time/ junk food, and of course they can’t keep your punishments going!!! They’re not at home so you have to accept they’re there for more of a fun time surely! Hope you all find a happy medium where they listen to you more and you relax more too about it all x

😳

I am actually very reasonable, I have lots of empathy. I always strive to be fair, I feel very passionate about fair play.

I ask for second opinions, I ask my parents and family for advice (and take it sometimes!), I suppose I was putting myself in OP's shoes and was outraged at the unfairness of it all! And then I came across as slightly unhinged I think 🤣

Thankfully that isn't my situation at all. I swear, I get emotionally invested in some posts!