Boundaries for Grandparents…

[Jazzeyfizzle89]

Hi all, hoping to get some advice and find out AIBU when it comes to Grandparents and boundaries/ rules for babysitting.

Over the last year or so had a lot of issues with Nanny and rules/ boundaries. Bottom line is she doesn’t respect them and says they are pedantic. Always referring back to how she thinks it should be done and that time at Nanny’s is fun and I need not worry how she cares for them in this time.

Rules are - bedtime stuck to as closely as possible, if having a later night / going away/ adjusting routine ask first, don’t leave them in someone’s else care without asking/ telling us (this has happened), no drinks for 6YO after tea time as he might bed wet. If we impose screen limits / treat limit due to bad behaviour at home etc (which is rare), this follows there.

I personally don’t feel this is a lot to ask. But always, always one of these rules at least will not be followed or will cause a stressful debate prior/ after them going.

This has come to a head as on this occasion she has trimmed our son’s hair, without asking or telling me. I only found this out via my childminder. My son told her it was as I said that I don’t like his hair, this is not categorically not true and is also not the first time something untrue has been said.

Going back/ forth with her to seek understanding / resolution. She has eventually apologised but the apology is alongside explanations as to why it’s ok i.e it wasn’t a lot if anything taken off, I used proper scissors, my mom did it for mine.

To me then she does not see the point and similar will recur. She flat out denies what my son has said she said, again she always does.

It gets to a point whereby now she is dragging up the rules (with exaggerations) i.e we were once unavailable at bedtime so asked her not to nighttime call but we would message once able to check they’d settled. This has now become they are never allowed to call you when with us, erm not true! And then again if I do call her in this time, I’m imposing on their time.

And somehow I am now unreasonable, she is hurt/ upset, she is hard done by. And I find myself sitting here feeling like maybe I’m the one overreacting?? Am I giving her a hard time?? Then the father in law is angry with us that I’ve upset her 🤦‍♀️

Thanks for your patience if you got this far! Any advice welcome as I’m honestly at the end of my tether here x

Grandma ing and parenting are different things.
As long as she isn’t putting the children in danger then I think you can give a little slack. Does it really matter that grandma lets them break a few rules ie stay up late or gives them a treat from time to time. Isn’t that what grandmas do?
They are probably coming back stressed because they are worried about what you will say.
Chill. Let the kids have some fun and build that special bond with their grandma.

so stop them going. stop giving yourself more work ie overtired children. they ask, you say no. they arent making your life easier. take them to visit with you or dp

As a grandmother and DiL to a grandmother, you'd both irritate me. The hair cut is a massive overstep and I'd not be keen on ignoring health related things like drinks and foods offered. However your rules about bedtimes and expectation your punishments will be carried out for you are unreasonable. As for telling them not to call you because you might be 'unavailable' to them when they have your child, well, you need to make your mind up. Either your child is in their trusted care leaving you free to be 'unavailable' if it suits you, or you're still in (remote) control. You need to choose or you're sending very mixed messages.

You need to chill! It is particularly unreasonable to expect them to Implement punishments you have put in place.

My absolute favourite childhood memories are from staying with my grandparents and feeling very *spoilt and special. Icecream for breakfast, late night cuddles, mcdonalds and pennies for sweets at the shop. I ate very healthy at home and my parents keep us in our family routine both equally needed for a balanced lifestyle. Same with my children nannas house nannas rules, funnily enough my mum let's my kids get away with everything I couldn't as her child I cannot wait to do the same with my grandchildren and I'm only 35 atm lol so it's a long way off yet (hopefully)

The only thing, that would be a problem for me is leaving them with someone else.

I think the really important things are going to get lost if you have lots of small arbitrary rules.

I think continuing a punishment is outright wrong and unecessarily cruel. Those kinds of punishments are totally inflexible, ineffective and disproportionate in general.

If your DC is behaving badly due to too much screen time, you say, 'come on you've got too worked up, we need to get out to the park/shop/read a book and the DC understands and appreciates you breaking the behaviour. If you then extend it further, it loses all meaning and prevents the DC from learning that too much screen time = overstimulation.

My parents and PILs are grown adults who successfully raised children and whom I trust to care for mine.

I never set rules. I wouldn't be so rude ir patronising.

If you don't trust them don't leave your children with them.

If you do trust them say thank you and get over yourself.

Are these your in-laws by any chance?! When my daughter's son comes to stay (at least once a week for about 12 years), I've wanted him to enjoy his stay and I spoil him with the food he likes and let him go to bed when he's tired. Do you deliver the instructions as rules or suggestions? It might not be what you say but delivered in a certain tone of voice would piss me right off. Anyway, you obviously mind not being in control at granny's so perhaps give it a miss for a bit. Oh, and as to trimming a little bit of hair off - I've done that and my daughter and I had a giggle over the result.

You said you are not using them as childcare, so having them stay with grandparents to build a relationship I presume. If that’s the case it is a bit different to adhering to the everyday Mon-Fri routine. Think back to when you stayed at your own grandparent’s home - was it the place where you had treats and extra concessions? I know mine was - we got to stay up later, eat stuff we wouldn't get at home, do things my parents thought too messy or were too busy to agree to much. My grandparents didn’t do that stuff with their own kids (according to my mum) as they too didn’t have time due to work etc.

Other than the drinking thing (odd, but as instructed by medical person then should be done) I think you should relax. Occasional lapses in your routine when they are with someone else won’t do any harm. They will know it’s different at home and be smart enough to realise the rules are different. Let the grandparents snd the kids let their hair down a bit and make some memories.

Relax - if you want them to help you. ( unless they are unsafe - in which case they won't be in their care)

My own parents didn't follow my ‘rules’ - but now with big strapping DC’s this is all the stuff of family jokes and legend!

I didn't want my first DC to eat chocolate. My parents gave him half coated chocolate digestives. At about 18 months, he gave the game away by turning over and over a plain biscuit I'd given him, looking for the chocolate. 😆

I didn't want them to have sugar in tea…they would never know that is a thing, my parents added sugar. I stopped it very quickly and as my parents moved abroad the care stopped as did the sugar in tea. One if my 6ft adult boys takes two sugars in his tea now….🤷‍♀️

Exactly that - we may not agree with our children ie our GC rules but they have the first say and it is them that have to suffer if we spoil our GC by always allowing them late sleep times etc. We always ask.

Yes, don't use them but be prepared to spend loads of money on childcare

I am a gran. The first time we had our gd overnight, she came with two long pages of instructions. I have a photo of her sitting on my knee and I am pointing at the instructions and telling her that she is not following them (she was only a few months old).

Fast forward two years and two of them are almost thrown in with the instructions ‘they behave differently for you so just do what you think’.

I can't believe what I'm reading.
Grandparents spoil Grandkids.. punishment should not be carried over..
As long as they are healthy and being treated with kindness.. what's the problem?

I always felt that if my parents or in laws were nice enough to have my kids (either if we needed them too, or they just wanted to see them) I’d make it as easy as possible for them to do so. One night of relaxed ‘rules’ isn’t going to hurt. Presumably you trust the grandparents to look after the child safely? Why do you need all these rules imposed? Can’t the grandparents just go with the flow?
And as for expecting them to punish your child for something they’ve done in your care? I’m honestly surprised grandparents look after grandchildren when there’s such a long list of do’s and don’ts. I don’t think I would if I were the grandparent.

No it isn't and is contra to enuresis advice

Love this!

I wouldn't like the other people watching them without me knowing, but the rest sounds like you are setting them up to fail.

When my eldest was a baby my Mum kindly had him for the day and I left a list of instructions, but it was to help her not to control her..things like "he gets hiccups after his milk, please rub his back". I still cringe about it though..she brought up 2 kids perfectly well.

As long as they are safe does the rest really matter?

Oh and expecting others to carry out your punishments is horrid!

Your kids are soon going to associate going to grandmas with punishment. Please welcome them back home with smiles - not the worry of how you are going to react.
Kids aren’t stupid, they pick up on these things.

Having raised my kids with minimal grandparent involvement( my parents had just retired from teaching and shuddered at the idea), I am always amazed at how hands on some gps can be on here. I would just so appreciate having someone else to love my dcs( not many people will, despite what you think). People to take them off your hands. I would have done anything for that.. and let small things go.

The health visitor's advice is incorrect for bedwetting and against enuresis clinic advice. It is better for them to drink and empty bladder before bed than to have the bladder less full and the urge to expel is stronger because the urine is not weakened by liquid intake.

I loved staying with my grandparents and other family members when I was a child this was because we could do things we weren't allowed to do at home.

I also wet the bed and was not allowed to drink in the evening, and I still remember the crushing thirst I had and sneaking water from the bathroom tap as I was so thirsty

If you don't like it don't send them! Simple!

Yes both mine were dry at night at two and a half using this method ( but they went to bed later). No drinks ( or just a sip) an hour before bed is very good advice

The hair cut is a total non issue and if you think it is then I'd say you are very unreasonable, they surely thought they were doing the right thing.

Grandparents time for me was being allowed sweets and fizzy pop, staying up late and just a general loosening of the reigns. I didn't go often but I remember those days so fondly as my folks were very strict. You sound too regimented and slightly controlling.

A lot of people would give their right arm for GP's help or an odd night off and not sweat the small stuff.

I loved staying at my grandparents. I got spoilt rotten mostly with time and attention. My son had the same relationship with my parents who were pretty strict with me as a kid but not at all with my son. As a parent you are doing a million other things as well as looking after your child. As a grandparent you do nothing else when they stay except spend time with them
. I told my son off loads of times when he was growing up but the most I've ever said to my grandson is to remind him to say please or thank you when he was about 2 . My grandson is a strapping 18 year old and was telling his girlfriend about the fun and activities he got up to when he stayed with us which made me smile. He never came with any rules when staying, my son trusted me to look after him.
Of course when he stayed at the weekend, he had ( as he put it) big stay ups. When he stayed during the week it was different as bedtime had to be sensible so he got up for school in the morning.