Boundaries for Grandparents…

[Jazzeyfizzle89]

Hi all, hoping to get some advice and find out AIBU when it comes to Grandparents and boundaries/ rules for babysitting.

Over the last year or so had a lot of issues with Nanny and rules/ boundaries. Bottom line is she doesn’t respect them and says they are pedantic. Always referring back to how she thinks it should be done and that time at Nanny’s is fun and I need not worry how she cares for them in this time.

Rules are - bedtime stuck to as closely as possible, if having a later night / going away/ adjusting routine ask first, don’t leave them in someone’s else care without asking/ telling us (this has happened), no drinks for 6YO after tea time as he might bed wet. If we impose screen limits / treat limit due to bad behaviour at home etc (which is rare), this follows there.

I personally don’t feel this is a lot to ask. But always, always one of these rules at least will not be followed or will cause a stressful debate prior/ after them going.

This has come to a head as on this occasion she has trimmed our son’s hair, without asking or telling me. I only found this out via my childminder. My son told her it was as I said that I don’t like his hair, this is not categorically not true and is also not the first time something untrue has been said.

Going back/ forth with her to seek understanding / resolution. She has eventually apologised but the apology is alongside explanations as to why it’s ok i.e it wasn’t a lot if anything taken off, I used proper scissors, my mom did it for mine.

To me then she does not see the point and similar will recur. She flat out denies what my son has said she said, again she always does.

It gets to a point whereby now she is dragging up the rules (with exaggerations) i.e we were once unavailable at bedtime so asked her not to nighttime call but we would message once able to check they’d settled. This has now become they are never allowed to call you when with us, erm not true! And then again if I do call her in this time, I’m imposing on their time.

And somehow I am now unreasonable, she is hurt/ upset, she is hard done by. And I find myself sitting here feeling like maybe I’m the one overreacting?? Am I giving her a hard time?? Then the father in law is angry with us that I’ve upset her 🤦‍♀️

Thanks for your patience if you got this far! Any advice welcome as I’m honestly at the end of my tether here x

If your parents were doing the weekly childcare for you to work, and you needed some level of consistency, then I'd suggesting finding a middle ground and routines that work for you all.

As it is, they seem to just be doing ad hoc babysitting for fun (either to enjoy having the kids over or for you to have a night off).

In which case, you need to back off!! The whole point of grandparents doing this is to enjoy the time together without the rigid routines of daily grind. Grandparents rules. As long as they are kept safe (eg car seats, allergens, not left home alone), then really is it actually a problem if they let them stay up later?

Their house, their rules; your house, your rules. Children can cope with different rules for different situations once they are of school age. Having said that, I would regard hair cutting as a step too far!

If we impose screen limits / treat limit due to bad behaviour at home etc (which is rare), this follows there.

Absolutely unreasonable of you, OP, and poor parenting to expect a punishment from you to be carried on at the grandparents.

From your update it sounds like she trimmed a very small amount of hair that was a bit wonky from his earlier haircut? If that is the case I really wouldn't care. Different if she chopped off 3 inches because she thought his hair was messy.
Leaving in someone else's care, it would depend who and why. You don't elaborate.
The rest of it is just what happens when kids go to grandparents. It is fun and time for some treats etc. I think you need to unclench. You are coming across as very petty.

It isn't recommended now

And as an adult I can assert it makes no difference to how many times I get up in the night

Yet you still send them?
Put your money where your mouth is and forego the babysitting.

I don’t do anything outlandish, but my daughter and her husband say rules don’t apply at grandparents’ houses. They’re just grateful for the pressure it eases in their very pressed schedules.

I do wonder if you should ease up a bit. No drink after 6 seems incredibly harsh, especially in summer months. Granny can just use a waterproof sheet if there’s a problem?

Not unusual and does no harm

It might be his rule but I wouldn't be following it.

Keep them with you till it's done

This is very outdated advice. Your health visitor needs to brush up on nocturnal enuresis.

Edited to add that this pp is exactly right

the urge to expel is stronger because the urine is not weakened by liquid intake.

No it's not

It doesn't work

Your children have grandparents who willingly and regularly babysit and have your children overnight.

They aren't doing anything harmful.

You sound very ungrateful. I have a DIL, no gc yet, I'd be so upset for my ds if she ever wrote such a post.

So you have a childminder plus granparents for baby sitting do you look after your child yourself at any point.
Or do you just pal the child off and demand your rules to be used when they have the child more than you.

Whenever I left mu DCs with ILs it was a matter of ‘what happens at nanny’s stays at nanny’s’ - ie, it was holiday/fun time and the kids were usually grateful to get back to their routine at home. Nanny raised her own kids to successful adulthood, so she could be trusted to keep them safe.

However, she/FiL had the kids for a week once or twice a year where all parties understood it was a treat, rather than several days a week, so it didn’t undermine normal routine (in fact, it reinforced it as kids were happy to get back into routine when home). MiL is also an anxious and cautious person so, in fact, was probably more controlling/careful with them when they were out playing/shopping/day-trips and in terms of how much crap FiL was allowed to feed them.

I also knew that MiL was utterly focussed on keeping her DGCs safe - they had/have bad lactose intolerances and she policed their dairy like an old style ward matron - so I knew I could trust her not to do anything outlandish and to honour any requests I made. She absolutely would not take them for a hair trim unless I asked, she would happily buy them a new coat/school shoes if the opportunity came up, but always checking I was happy with what she’d chosen (or ask first and buy according to instructions).

Since discovering MN I have become aware just how lucky I, and my DCs, have been to have her as our ground rules/expectations were always so naturally aligned.

OP, I do think you and DH need to state clearly what yours are, perhaps be prepared to relax a few of them when the kids visit, and make clear that if she cannot agree to respect your wishes, she can only visit with the kids with you or DH present. This would be a shame as kids should have a relationship with her, but if she is being difficult over this it is she who is putting her needs/preferences above having a full relationship with them.

It's entirely unfair to expect grandparents to carry out punishments that you've put in place for a past misdemeanor.

If you choose to keep his tablet at home, that's up to you. But you don't make the grandparents withhold it, or tell then that he's not to watch TV (or whatever it is on their home that you're telling them to withhold).

So the cutting of the hair was just cutting a tiny, unnoticeable amount that was a bit wonky. I really can't see a problem with this. She didn't give him a haircut.
I think your long list of rules is a bit much. If he wets her bed then that's her problem to deal with and maybe she'll learn from it.
Ok, fair enough that you don't want your child left with some else but I don't agree with the other rules.
The carrying punishment over from your house to hers doesn't sit right with me at all. I wouldn't be giving small children such lengthy punishments in the first place, let alone asking their grandparents to continue punishing them. That's unfair.
My kids are spoilt rotten by their grandma. Too many sweets, late to bed. I'm not going to fight it. It's a treat for them and her. Back to reality when they come home!

Rules are - bedtime stuck to as closely as possible, if having a later night / going away/ adjusting routine ask first, don’t leave them in someone’s else care without asking/ telling us (this has happened), no drinks for 6YO after tea time as he might bed wet. If we impose screen limits / treat limit due to bad behaviour at home etc (which is rare), this follows there.

I personally don’t feel this is a lot to ask

I think you're wrong, apart from the leaving in someone else's care. In which case (if something happens that makes it necessary) I'd expect her to contact you to let you know)

To be honest, I cringe now at some of the things that I thought really mattered. The bedtime routine that I inflicted on the GPs in the early days, really wasn't necessary. Fortunately I realised that after a while. Kids get that things can be different away from home, and still stick to the routine at home.

My kids, my rules.

You don't like it? I don't care.

My priorities are my kids and my home. I will NOT allow anything to sabotage that.

I will NOT place a grandparents feelings over the wellbeing of my children. Basically, they had their chance, it's now MY job to bring up my family the best way I know how. They can disagree with that, it changes nothing - only the amount of unsupervised time THEY get with my kids, and if that is ZERO, then so be it.

Stand your ground.

And remember, you are top dog now. No one gets to undermine you, supercede you, contradict your decisions etc.

The buck stops here. It's MY buck and no, you can't have it!! Lol

I bet if you never had childcare to go out with your partner you wouldn't care about the rules you are stating here, as long as they were safe and happy you'd be grateful. You sound quite spoilt

If I’m looking after grandchildren, there will be some expectations that are non negotiable. They will need to bathe/shower and clean their teeth. They will need to follow instructions if we’re out and about, so they stay safe and don’t run off. They will need to go to bed when we say they should, because we need time off too.

I’m not going to stop them reading in bed, or playing a game, but screens will be off when they’re told.

I’ll buy an ice cream or treat them to pancakes, or even take them to McDonalds once in a while. I’ll buy a comic perhaps or let them choose what they want for dinner. I’ll probably buy some treat food too.

I’m a bit confused about being unavailable at bedtime. Everyone who has a phone is available.

If you are saying that poor behaviour at home, must be sanctioned at grandparents, you’re setting everyone up for a damaged relationship.

The bottom line is, if you don’t want them to go to their grandparents, don’t send them. But think about whether you want them to have a relationship with them. Also think about what sort of relationship you might want when you have grandchildren.

Grandma's house, grandma's rules unless they they are physically or psychologically dangerous.

Incidentally, limiting drinks in the evening is more likely to cause bedwetting.

I totally agree with this. We don’t do overnight stays but do provide regular childcare during the day. With the first child there were detailed written instructions about eating, sleeping, you name it. By the time it was two of them being dropped off it was more like getting a burger from a drive through. We’ve all lived to tell the tale. The parents were so grateful for the help

It seems a lot of rules to me. They are kindly looking after the children overnight and I think you should cut them some slack.

I'm surprised you need to ask.

Consistency is vital in the home and between parents- provides boundaries and security for kids with their main caregivers

however, kids also need to learn that there are different soft rules in different places. Not the fundamentals like sheer bad manners, stealing etc , but the soft social norms we call house or school rules.

so my secondary school had a walk on left side of corridor rule- don’t have that at home did we ! We had to put hand up to go to loo - didn’t do that at home either . Had to dry dishes at home, grandparents never made us do that.

I think there’s a ton of differences between no rules and no boundaries at granny’s, vs her rules and boundaries in her home. And yep, they may be a little bit more flexible than yours at home if it is an occasional visit. There is nothing wrong for kids to be allowed up late at granny’s as their treat with granny- thst does not impose on your strict earlier bedtime regime at home. Sure, if you’ve got something on next day particularly earlier than they need a good nights sleep for then don’t let them go to granny’s the night before 🤦‍♀️

as long as granny is giving them som healthy options then more treats as hers is fine- as lng as they’re not there week! My visits to my nana are indelibly imprinted with smell of hot Ribera and custards creams bought to our room in morning to wake us up…god forbid ..that’s over 50 years ago now …🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

id focus on the big things that really matter and work to a compromise that’s granny’s boundaries. That would be bed wetting. It’s pretty severe and very counter intuitive to most parents, to say no drinks after tea, especially if that’s nearer 6pm- thst could be 12 hours without fluid…you can’t take in fluid in rest of day to “make up for it”, the body needs fluids constantly. However, if this is advice to prevent bed wetting the child is embarrassed about then get mil involved in next health care appointment to join you in discussion so she hears first hand and can ask questions. At end of day it’s gran that’ll be cleaning her sheets if the little one has an accident. maybe his dad did too (thers often a genetic link with later bed wetting) , and granny has experience to know child will grow out of it and is more laid back about it.

just telling gran won’t get her to change as she’s clearly the type to think kids can cope with differing rules for most part. And that’s not unreasonable . Engage with her around compromise on bed wetting stuff. If kids are going frequently and getting into poor patterns of behaviour , lower the frequency.

re- enforce your Rules constantly with “what goes on at granny’s stays at granny’s”. One set of rules there, but your rules are yours. The standard answer re them arguing about bedtime onc3 back home is “well you’re not at grans now and this is what happens at home…if you argue we will ensure late bedtimes with gran stop as well”

they’ll cope. We all have to learn different rules in different places.