To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Nobody is attacking that principle though! OP never tried to force her husband to have a vasectomy and there’s clearly no danger of that happening. The problem is not that he doesn’t want one. It’s his reaction to even discussing it and his choice of words in the context. It has never been about removing his bodily autonomy. They are a couple and reproductive decisions should be discussed. OP’s massive contribution to their family, harming her health for years, should be respected and foregrounded in those discussions. Shutting the conversation down immediately with “I’m not putting my body through that” without any discussion or alternative suggestion, without a gentle acknowledgement of what she has put her body through for their family is thoughtless and hurtful at the very very best.

That said, I do personally have a problem with “my body my choice” - a slogan invented by women seeking reproductive justice (a battle still not won) being co-opted to excuse a man immediately shutting down a conversation with his wife about reproductive responsibility and essentially throwing it all back at her to somehow manage herself without any discussion or give from him at all. That is very much a separate issue and a derail to the OP’s problem though.

Why would you describe as a "symbolic sacrifice"? It's not symbolic. Nor have I ever heard an IUD, implant, tubal ligation etc referred to in such a way. Have a good hard think about why you've chosen that language.

Well put.

I voted YANBU because of the way he responded to her request. A loving partner wouldn't just shut the conversation down, but as others have said, it could have been a knee-jerk reaction.

The thread has gone further about right to say No, which is his ultimate right, despite what OP has been through.

Yes they both wanted kids etc, but she chose to say yes to that, not forced.

If they both don't want to have a procedure/surgery then there are other ways to compromise.

A marriage should be a partnership but you are still two seperate individuals.

PP saying the norm should be men saying yes to vasectomies is trying to make a decision for somone else.
Doesn't work!

And resorting to name calling, how predictable!

It's OK to have different views.

It's not symbolic at all, it's done for the practical benefits to the couple, to remove the risk of pregnancy and the burden of contraception. I don't resent biology, it is what it is. I would have lost respect for my husband if he hadn't offered to make practically the only small contribution he could make to our JOINT responsibility for family planning. Thankfully he did offer, because he's a good man.

I don’t think there’s enough consideration of the human element involved to be honest. In situations like that of the OP and her DH, if the decisions to have children, the involvement of IVF, and the decision to stop, have been mutual ones, and her DH is aware of how much she’s been through and how detrimental another pregnancy would be to her, then I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to expect her to go through more in order to ensure no more pregnancies. It’s time for him to think of someone other than himself and step up. He can’t just dismiss contraception as her problem and her responsibility - where’s the give and take here ?

Every single reproductive choice is made by an individual. There is no actual barrier at all preventing men from collective reproductive responsibility. The only way to take that burden off women is to hold men responsible as well, both at an individual and societal level. If men want options other than a vasectomy, they need to start asking for them.

No-one is saying anything remotely like that. If the decision to have children and when to stop is a mutual one, then the question of what to do about contraception should also be a mutual one. That’s not what’s happening here - the responsibility has been shoved back onto OP despite everything she’s been through. And just have a look back through the thread to see how many posters don’t see anything wrong with the OP being forced into a decision to have a tubal ligation, or even hysterectomy, whilst fully supporting her DH’s right to choose.

YANBU

My DH had a vasectomy last year - we struggled conceiving DS and as I am 43 I didn't want to get pregnant again or continue with the pill.

I was in labour for 29 hours then needed an EMCS. He still seems to think he is a king amongst men 😂😂

The female pill was developed and marketed in the 1960s and hailed as revolutionary. Since then there have been attempts to develop a male version but each one has eventually met a dead end, including ones that are safe and effective - these have been written off due to undesirable side effects. The same side effects which are extremely common among women taking female versions. So it seems that vasectomy isn’t the only thing men are squeamish about - the common theme seems to be why should men do anything even slightly detrimental to themselves when they can get women to do it instead !!

That said, I do personally have a problem with “my body my choice” - a slogan invented by women seeking reproductive justice (a battle still not won) being co-opted to excuse a man immediately shutting down a conversation with his wife about reproductive responsibility and essentially throwing it all back at her to somehow manage herself without any discussion or give from him at all. That is very much a separate issue and a derail to the OP’s problem though.

Well said.

How are they conflicting statements? Choices are indivual. Broader patterns of behavior are made up of those individual choices.
Of course it's a men's issue. There's no reasonal at all in 2024 that it should be seen as a women's issue. We all know how babies are made, there's no excuse for men to abdicate responsibility by default.

Not conflicting statements at all. And we keep hearing about ‘ongoing research’ into a viable male pill. Not so much about the fact that several safe male pills have been developed but weren’t considered viable because men weren’t prepared to put up with similar side effects to those experienced by women as a result of the female pill. I find that really concerning and it kind of explodes the ‘my body my choice’ argument when you realise that since the 1960’s men have been asking women to take a contraceptive pill, the male equivalent of which, they wouldn’t touch with a barge pole themselves.

I genuinely didn't want my DH to have a vasectomy. I happily had a simple sterilisation procedure. I couldn't wish for a better man to share my life with. The suggestion that men who don't have a vasectomy are substandard & selfish is nonsense. If a woman wants to take responsibility and there are many women who do, this doesn't mean their DHs should be accused of being bad. My DH could have begged me to let him have the procedure and I'd still have said no, regardless of how 'simple' it is.

Why though? Why didn't you want him to have it? Why would he have to beg you to let him? Why didn't you have to beg him to let you have a tubal ligation? Why didn't he ask you not to? Why do you have lower standards for yourself than for your DH?

A man who would cheat in these circumstances would not be a loss. In my estimation he would already have been on extremely thin ice. Personally I’d not put up with a man who is basically forcing me to go through yet more reproductive stress and trauma when I’ve already done the lion’s share of reproductive work in our family. Good riddance. Sympathies to the next woman the selfish prick lands himself with.

But again, not relevant to OP’s situation. She’s had a lot of surgery and interventions for IVF, as well as having fibroids, so the prospect of a ‘simple’ sterilisation (I’m assuming you mean laparoscopy) probably isn’t realistic for her. And after being filled full of hormones for IVF treatment she’s understandably not thrilled at the prospect of more in the form of the pill.

This. And yet another poster who has completely ignored, or failed to comprehend the reasons for the OP not wanting to undergo more surgery/take hormone based contraception, or trust condoms to prevent a pregnancy which is potentially dangerous for her.

The word Handmaiden springs to mind !!

I genuinely think most people are just not aware of this. Women are in this situation of shouldering nearly all the responsibility because men (largely) won't!! Or I should say - wouldn't.

I highly suspect that younger men (40's down, I count DH in this) would absolutely consider taking a pill because there's so much more awareness now.

But let's be clear - the pill is good enough for women to suffer the side effects of but it's not good enough for men. I find it hard not to feel resentful about that, especially as someone who cannot tolerate hormonal intervention at all so had to have a bit of WIRE radged into my cervix instead!

Relevant to who? Surely you don’t expect her to incorporate her husband’s hypothetical second wife into their family planning?

Quite!

Apparently you can't make decisions for your own body, you have to ask your husband to have a V instead, regardless of what he chooses to do with his body.

People can make choices for whatever reason. Doesn't have to make sense to anyone else than those concerned.

Sounds like its condoms or no sex.

The reasons people make their choices are really important. As is the language used to explain ones choice. This posters logic, is frankly, disturbing.