To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

I think the principle of "my body my choice" is worth defending (just look what is happening in the US where it is being eroded).

It has nothing to do with whether some men are feckless - it's far more important than that.

That's not really a comparable scenario.
Men don't need support to make the choices that the vast majority already make. That's like saying you support the gender pay gap.

You mean they decide to make a decision they are perfectly entitled to make and if they don't make the decision a woman wants them to make then they are selfish, don't love her or all the other insults on here.

If you have a partner/husband does he respect your right to make decisions about your body?

You do realise it is inherently selfish for the default for the default to be women taking the risks? It's not coincidence, and women just happen to be oh so happy to take all the responsibility. It is a symptom of misogyny.

To be honest , I don't think he is selfish for not wanting to put himself through that. It's his body and his penis. Maybe there are other options that can be explored that you are both happy about

This is the he thing.

It's fine to say no. It's fine to say oh I'm scared of the pain etc.

But to tell your wife, who's been through so much because of pregnancies you made willingly together, that YOU can't possibly go through a few days of pain to protect her from future pregnancies? That makes him a dick.

We have three from two pregnancies. Needle phobic DH suggested a d sorted a vasectomy because we know we can't handle / feed / house four etc alone five.

But she has a child. It's perfectly normal for people to use IVF for the number of children they want and then stop. Op has lost four babies. She's been through five pregnancies. She has young baby with additional needs. Not wanting to go through a SIXTH pregnancy is pretty understandable regardless of how she conceived her young baby.

I’d agree with you if what’s happening in the US was having any impact on men. It’s not. Four of the five Supreme Court judges who voted to overturn Roe v Wade were men.

Not read all the new replies but has the man's age been mentioned, it might be relevant. Thinks can obviously change, for good or for bad.

I divorced my wife a year or so after my vasectomy, eventually I met someone else, she happened to be post menopause AND 16 years older than me. She actually mentioned later on in our relationship that had she been younger she would've liked to have had a child with me, but of course I'd already had the snip, I was 32 when we met.

This. There's a reason "my body my choice" was coined by feminists, and not men (because they don't need to say it).

So when the principle of "my body my choice" impacts on women it's a vital matter that must be defended.

But when it impacts on men, it's (as a poster put it earlier) misogynistic and enabling of fecklessness.

I don't support that duality. I think it's a immensely important principle for everyone

The poster you’ve replied to has completely misunderstood the reasons for IVF so her reply really doesn’t address what’s actually going on. She accused the OP of ‘doing a 180’ from wanting to have children to wanting to prevent them, when it’s nothing of the sort.

From what the OP has written it’s clear that the reason for IVF is because there is a problem with OP’s body distinguishing viable embryos from unviable ones. Hence the use of IVF to try to improve the odds. That has clearly failed and seems to have resulted in a number of miscarriages, and the live birth of one child with a birth defect. Her request to her partner to consider a vasectomy is entirely about preventing the harm that would come to her from yet another pregnancy. Her desire for a permanent and reliable solution is understandable.

When a man says ‘my body, my choice’ as a way of weaselling out of a vasectomy, he removes the woman’s choice and forces her to take the entire contraceptive load and the entire risk.

He removes her choice. Yet again.

They’re in no way comparable.

And yet again … decent caring men don’t trot out ‘my body, my choice’ as a way of weaselling out of it.

They willingly do it.

Those men show up all the pathetic ones who won’t do it.

@Globules For a vasectomy to be deemed as sucessful it needs a clear sample post-op; that's why the use of additional contraception is advised until this has happened. Obviously until this point pregnancy is a very real possibility.
Once given the all-clear the failure rate of vasectomy is incredibly low - certainly far lower than other many other options such as condoms and the pill.

A man's choice (re contraception) always impacts women. Patterns of behavior on a societal level are just as important as individual liberties. Why is the default for men to say no, it's my body I don't want to?

You are massively over simplifying. The overturning of Roe v Wade was a male dominated decision and has impacted every aspect of contraception, conception, pregnancy, abortion, miscarriage and stillbirth for women in the US. It’s also impacted the quality of medical care women in the US can expect to receive, because doctors are now in fear of inadvertently breaking the law, and women are at risk of arrest and imprisonment if they cannot prove they have miscarried or had a still birth.

The laws adversely impact the poor and those from ethnic backgrounds. Some states are lobbying for contraception to be outlawed and the morning after pill has already been banned in some states. So not only have the choices regarding pregnancy and abortion been taken away, the ability to prevent pregnancy is under attack too.

No mention of what happens to all the unwanted children born as a result of these measures, or how the abject poverty which will undoubtedly follow will be mitigated, and definitely no mention as to whether men are going to be held financially or otherwise responsible for the children they produce. You’re surely not suggesting that what we’re discussing here is in any way comparable to the complete subjugation of the rights of women to have any autonomy over their own reproductive choices ?

I don't see how my post disagrees with yours? I was addressing the general "bit you had IVF for one pregnancy, how can you not want more children" comment. Even if I've had resulted in miscarriage op wouldn't be entirely reasonable to not want to try or risk another pregnancy.

Well we should be aiming for the default that all people can say it and it be respected.
He absolutely has the right to say no, but HOW he said it under the circs is utterly reprehensible.

My hubby chose to have a vasectomy after we had our daughter (his first and last). I was a bit should he, shouldn't he, but I knew it was the right decision deep down. She's 3 now.
I had been on the mini pill for most of my adult life and had no idea it was a huge contributory factor to my anxiety.
Now we both have no regrets about the decision; it is so liberating to never have to worry about contraception or pregnancy ever again!

No, sorry, I didn’t make clear that I wasn’t disagreeing with what you said, just the misunderstanding of the poster you were replying to. Apologies.

I disagree. We need to be aiming for more men saying "yes". Not more women saying no and being left to deal with the consequences.

But the decision to say no, isn’t worthy of respect, unless it’s accompanied by a viable alternative solution which doesn’t involve the other partner having to make a choice they don’t want to make.

One of them will have to do something they don't want to - vasectomy, pill to solve it and no one should be forced to have an operation etc if they don't want to.

Where it leave them tho is sex free or split up.

Op is entitled to choose if she goes sex free in marriage or leaves.
He can too.
If they can't agree then it's no sex or no marriage and the no person wins.

What I don't dispute is that he's being unreasonable and should want to protect his wife and their existing child from another pregnancy and should see his risk and recovery is significantly less than hers. As did DH