To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

His body his choice. Why can't you get yourself sterilised if he's adamantly against vasectomy?
Before anyone pipes up... female sterilisation is a simple procedure. Short anaesthetic and recovery time. I had mine at age 30. Best thing I ever did.
Simple 🤷‍♀️

@Globules I'd be incredibly surprised if those three babies were all successful post-vaesectomy and after the sample analysis was given the "all clear."

But the risk from birth control isn’t zero. The risk from pregnancy isn’t zero. That is the point.

women take those risks over and over for years. Loving husbands volunteer to take an extremely low risk one time.

If only men were the ones to give birth. As has been said many times, there would only ever be one-child families then ...

The risk from birth control can be net protective, given that it protects against ovarian and endometrial cancer.

Reversible and permanent contraception are very different things.

Permanent contraception would be very ill advised in OP's husband's setting - too soon after a baby and miscarriage.

But why should I hold my husband accountable for the fact that I menstruate? Yeah, biology is shit, but that's not his fault.

I didn't want my husband to have a permanent procedure. So I had a mirena, which guess what, controls menstruation! Win win!

What a selfish man. I really hope you pointed out everything you put your body through! What did you say?

I don’t really care what you do with your husband.

I’m just thankful that mine wanted to do his bit - for a change! It saves me worrying about / dealing with contraception ever again.

I was more than fine with my husband having a permanent procedure - why wouldn’t I be? We don’t want any more kids.

And if something happens to me, God knows he doesn’t want to go back to babies with a new partner!

It’s lovely having a considerate partner who recognises biology is shit, and can do one small thing to rectify that.

I lost all hope for humanity until I read this. The only normal response.

3 post vasectomy babies is so staggeringly unusual. Someone isn't telling the truth.

So I'm now being told I'm not telling the truth. I understand it's easier to believe that. 😉

@LorlieS One of those families were in the process of suing the hospital, as they had been given the all clear. I don't know about the other two families, as they didn't give me further details besides their immaculate conceptions and I didn't ask.

Condom's 12% failure rate is due to including people not using them correctly, e.g. wrong size, putting them on too 'late' etc. When used correctly their failure rate is monumentally small, less than 1%

What confuses me in this debate is the 'condom or no sex' position - there are a lot of other options than penetrative sex to continue an active and loving sex life without having any risk of pregnancy, which surely negates either partner having to have any kind of surgery or other treatment.

Having said that, and while noone should be expected to do anything to their body they don't wish, it seems fair in most cases that the bloke takes his turn. In me and my wife's case that was what we were planning, although due to 'events' in my childhood (not going to do more detail, sorry) I have a phobia about that part of my body - but was going down a private-GA route. However, a developing health condition of my wife's meant it wasn't needed in the end, can't say I wasn't relieved due to my phobia, but it was something I would have done otherwise because how could I have said I loved my wife if I didn't?

I didn't say you were lying...

Correction:

So now I'm being told either the families or I were not telling the truth.

I understand it's easier to believe that.

So you didn’t look at the actual statistical evidence, you used people you know. Unless you factored in evidence from people you know who use condoms it’s not really a logical assumption to make. The figures for the failure rates I quoted were from a recent US study. I’ll see if I can link to it. The failure rate of condoms was 3% if used properly but stated that real world figures showed a rise to 12% when misuse, defective manufacture and accidental removal/breakage during sex were factored in. They pointed out that vasectomy was considered the gold standard because of the advances in surgical technique and post surgical checks on sperm counts.

And many have very low standards and accept their role as servile women. Even in 2024 in the UK. There is a lot of it on MN. It’s depressing as they will pass their sexist views on down to their sons and daughters. All whilst thinking they are clever, spouting ‘his body, his choice’ without engaging their brain as to the real issue here.

I wish they were men. But there are many women misogynists on MN. They can’t even see it.

Sorry are you saying you had three children after a vasectomy? It that you know of the born after?

Either way, do you see that your post isn’t particularly logical? 😂

In extremely rare cases it is possible for the tubes to spontaneously reattach. It’s very rare but not completely unheard of.

Considering the prevalence of vasectomies, and the low failure rate, it is far more likely that people have told porkies.

How unpleasant. Do you support a woman saying no children/no more children? Do you support a woman saying no sterilisation or no hormonal contraception? If you do why wouldn't you support a man having the same rights?

I had four children, I wanted them and accepted any risks involved. As it happens I don't have piles, varicose veins, incontinence. One of mine was delivered by CS so didn't arrive by being expelled via my genitals. I never had pain relief in labour in fact after my first was delivered it was such a great experience I thought the stories about labour were all made up. Some women have a different experience but it is their right to make the choice of having a baby or not having a baby. Any man trying to force a woman to go through that against her will is despicable.

I don't know why you are referring to a weekend with sore balls when I clearly stated my colleague was in extreme pain for months and had to have further surgery to try to correct that. It certainly wasn't a miracle cure but I moved on to another job so I have no idea if it eventually cured the problem but my understanding is there was no guarantee.

Your evil cackle says a lot about you.

Men saying no to reproductive responsibility is already the default. Not sure why they'd need any more support on that front.

We all have a right to make our own decisions about risk and our body. I risked all pregnancy risks because I wanted a baby and on balance the risk was worth it. We used various forms of birth control until my husband decided the risk of vasectomy .was worth it for the benefits but that was his decision to make.

Would you tell a woman who didn't want to go through childbirth that it is something loving wives do or would you say she has a right to decide?

They have that support as we all have a right to make decisions about our own bodies. I don't like how my husband is dealing with long term serious health conditions that I, and his doctors, think are shortening his life but I have no right to force him to have surgery, take medication he refuses because of side effects or do anything else I consider would be good for his health. On the other hand he has no right to demand I'm his carer, I make my choices as he makes his.