To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

What's my alternative?

A different man?

You missed’ I’m not putting myself through that’.

"You missed’ I’m not putting myself through that’."

No I didn't it is covered by " my body my choice" 👍

Absolutely my body my choice works both ways. But men do need to take into account that their choice has consequences. A man absolving himself of any reproductive responsibility is almost always passing the risk to his wife.

Clearly he doesn't feel as done as OP about the risk of having more kids.

And that one sentence also dismisses the OP’s experiences. He can afford not to feel ‘done’ - it’s not him who’s engaging in what are clearly high risk pregnancies and suffering the physical effects when they fail.

In light of everything his wife has been through, I’d say it depends on the reasons for ‘my body my choice’ and ‘I’m not putting myself through that’ is unacceptable, given the high risks attached to further pregnancy.

I don't see the issue his body his choice but sorry for what you've been through op

Some men think that having a vasectomy is the same as being castrated. I asked DH to have one as I was getting pregnant easily and had awful pregnancies but while he ummed and aahed about it I got pregnant again and after one more awful pregnancy my obstretitian told me another pregnancy would probably kill me. A few weeks later I was sterilised.

Talk to him ask him why he thinks it's worse than a bad labour.

I agree. He’s not wrong to say no and you’re not wrong for asking.

I accept this may not be a popular opinion but I wouldn't want my DH to have a vasectomy. There is something about it that I feel could become a psychological issue for men more so than sterilisation would be for women. I chose to have a simple tubes tied op & it was the best decision for us.

@Seablue9 my husband laughed at your post. What "psychological issues" are you thinking?

' I wouldn't put myself through that '

OH wow !

is that him saying

' I want to use condoms for the rest of your child bearing years '

or is he saying

' I want to be able to father children '

or

' I want to be able to father children with a different woman in the future '

What psychological issues?

Honestly, if his masculinity is that fragile surely there are bigger issues.

It's completely true, it may give the appearance of "balancing" hormones but these are synthetic hormones which your body knows the difference and doesn't use them correctly, it will still absolutely deplete women's bodies over time even if you feel better short term. Extremely naive to think years of manipulating the natural process of the menstrual cycle (the indicator of a healthy woman pre menapouse) and non natural ways of improving hormones levels won't eventually have negative consequences. Again like I said, health consequences women don't even relate to being the fault of their contraceptive.

Why would it become a psychological issue?

We don’t know if the OPs husband wants any more children though. We know the OP doesn’t, because she told us. I have been in a similar position to the OP and was adamant that I did not want any more pregnancies for various reasons. I didn’t even consider asking my DH to have a vasectomy because I wanted to be the one who couldn’t get pregnant again. Even if he had offered, I would have still gone ahead with me being sterilised.
Using emotional blackmail to try to get someone have a medical procedure isn’t great IMO. Each of us should be responsible for our own fertility.

If I had had to endure any more horrendous periods where I felt suicidal on a regular basis, then I don’t know what might have happened. In the end, having a mirena coil fitted put an end to the nightmare of perimenopause and improved my sanity no end.

If you read all the posts there are posters who state why their men don't like the idea. I understand why SOME men feel like this, not all men so I didnt want to take the risk when I was very happy to take charge.

Yes, men are such fragile creatures, like children really. Which is why women must always make the sacrifices and put ourselves through pain and suffering for our men because they are so fragile, poor babies.

Jesus fucking wept! 🙄

My DH had a vasectomy 12 years ago, do you what psychological issues he had afterwards? None, zilch, zero!

It’s his body, his choice but it is also your body and your choice and if you don’t want to have hormonal birth control, then you need to use condoms.

Yet their men are quite happy for their partners to bear the brunt of all the pain and suffering. Why? Because these men are weak babies, that's why!

Your body, your choice
Unless of course, you're a man.

Or just refuse to have sex at all.

"Each of us should be responsible for our own fertility"
Just not men though right? The poor things might feel a bit nervous.

I'm glad you're feeling better, genuinely. But all my points are still valid and true..contraceptive is the only option presented to women in these circumstances doesn't mean it's the best solution just the only one medicine provides because natural ways don't make as much money.