Mother’s Day expectations

[TheSillyRaven]

Mother’s Day expectations!
i have asked my husband what we should do on Mother’s Day, given we both have mums and I’m a mum too! He said he is taking his mum out for the day. I thought we could spend the day together, all of us… and feel hurt that he hasn’t considered me in that. He has said I’m acting narcissistic and only thinking about myself! Suggesting I should tell our children what to do if I want them to take me out (2 are adults and 1 teen). Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he wants to take his mum out alone? And I’m left to sort my own Mother’s Day out?

What usually happens?

Usually we all get together to avoid our mums feeling left out.

Personally I do think YABabitU, yes. If your DCs were children then fair enough, he should help them organise something but I think it's reasonable that on Mother's Day he sees his mother.

Does he completely object to you going with him?

I'm not clear why you'd be left to sort out your own day though. Would your adult DCs not do that themselves?

I'd leave it and see what my ADULT children did. If they did nothing, then that's on them (not your husband)

I'd just say to him "well if the kids aren't inviting me anywhere, me and my mum will come with you". See what he says to that.

I think that you should have decided what you wanted to do and then put it to your children. If they aren't available then you should plan something with your Mum. I wouldn't want every MD with my child's MIL tbh. There's three mum's to consider, but your DH only has one Mum.

Well I’m not invited to go with him and his mum. My boys will probably organise a card, which is fine I’m not worried about gifts etc, I just feel like he should also think of me in this. I do for him on Father’s Day and include his dad, my dad passed away so of course I don’t get to see him!

I think it's pretty reasonable that he wants to have a nice day with just him and his mum.

Your kids are older now so arrange something with them or your mum. You don't have to always do MD together do you?

Well why has this changed this year? I thought you said you usually do something altogether?

I'd just tell him I was going with him, invite or not. And if he made a fuss, I'd be questioning WTH was wrong with him and getting to the bottom of it.

So if his Mum didn't want your Mum there, would you swerve your Mum to go? Why should a MIL, who you might be one day, have to share every MD?

YABU. Your kids are old enough to sort their own mothers day out for you!

Or you take your mum out along with your kids.

You have adult children

They can organise something if you think you need to DO something

DH has decided to do something just with his DM this year. That's OK

Yes we usually spend it altogether. I dunno, I don’t have the easiest relationship with my own mum, so being altogether kind of takes the pressure off of me a bit. Also I feel like he should want to make fuss on Mother’s Day for me too as the mother to his children. I kinda thought that’s what we do for each other, and I always have for him.

I think the issue is you usually do X, and this year he has changed it unilaterally to Y, rather than what he wants to do on MD being an issue in itself.

I would plan something nice with your own mum, invite your kids.

To me it's only ever been a card from DC (and from me to my mum) and a bunch of daffodils from church.

Never gone out for it or expected to see my mum.

Also only cards from DC once they were old enough to make/pick their own. If DH had got me one from them as babies I'd have found that really weird.

We don't "do" anything, and a lot of people don't. So do you have a friend who is free for a jolly out that day? Organise something you would enjoy.

It may take the pressure off you, but it could well put the pressure on them, and he just wants a nice day with his mum.

It's up to your adult kids to make a fuss of you, and it's up to them to make a fuss of him on fathers day too.

Spend the day with your dc.. And pay back the bad attitude come fathers day...

Yeh perhaps I need to change my expectations and of father’s day too.

I agree with changing expectations - I have a box of chocolates on Mother’s Day which does me fine. Crucially dh is the same for Father’s Day, dm and dmil are all happy with chocolates. Our father wouldn’t notice if the earth stopped turning on father’s days when they were here.

so if expectation are going to change it needs to be for everyone not just you. Imo the whole thing is a money making scam, I might just be lucky that most of the family feels that way too.

You're not HIS mother and the children are now mostly adults so he doesn't need to make a fuss

Maybe that's why he changed things this year. Maybe his mother is ill and doesn't want everyone to know yet but he wants to make a fuss of her instead.

Change how you do Father's Day too and then if he moans point back to Mother's Day

A teen and 2 adult children...they should be organising something for you. Your husband is just that...you're not his mother.

It’s not about gifts etc, more just about having a nice day altogether, which traditionally we have done. I think also just feeling ‘seen’ as a mother and wife is also valuable to me. I don’t want to really spend the day alone with my own mum, and my kids won’t want to either! He has a good relationship with his mum so it’s different. I guess il have to figure something out! X

His mum is not ill, if she was he would say. But yeh, I hear what people are saying, even if I don’t agree 😬

From the year I gave birth to our eldest, my DH has made me the priority on mothers day.
We see his mum the day before and she sees her daughters on mother's day. My DM comes to our home and DH cooks for us all or we all go out. MiL is always invited too, but she's always gone out with her daughters.
I'd be hurt if DH just left me to it on mother's day. Assuming he's an only child, why can't he just invite her to have lunch with you?

When your kids are little, absolutely your DH should step up and organise/help them organise a nice day. But they are adults - it's really up to them now and shouldn't need your DH to organise it. If you don't get on well with your mum then it doesn't seem unreasonable that he and his mum may not appreciate her tagging along either. Instead of beating around the bush- why not just say to your kids "I'm going to pop out with mum for a drink/cake/walk in the morning and I'd like to spend the afternoon doing something with you - I'll leave it up to you to organise that part."