Mother’s Day expectations

[TheSillyRaven]

Mother’s Day expectations!
i have asked my husband what we should do on Mother’s Day, given we both have mums and I’m a mum too! He said he is taking his mum out for the day. I thought we could spend the day together, all of us… and feel hurt that he hasn’t considered me in that. He has said I’m acting narcissistic and only thinking about myself! Suggesting I should tell our children what to do if I want them to take me out (2 are adults and 1 teen). Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he wants to take his mum out alone? And I’m left to sort my own Mother’s Day out?

My DH says it's down to our DC, I'm not his mother (DC is 5) 😬 usually will be a card and small token gift.
I'll arrange something with my own DM/DGM

I know what you said - there's no need to shout. I happen to disagree with you.

You shouldn’t be left to sort your own Mother’s Day- your teen and adult children are very much old enough to organise something lovely for you.

Is it? Or is it the kid's fault doesn't mean MIL should have a shit day

I expect your DH has had enough of a strained day with your mum who you don't get on with that well and his mum having to play nice with someone she doesn't really like. It doesn't sound like a nice family day to me, more of an obligation. Best you do things separately if DH really wants to see his mum. Or you could do things differently next year and see neither of your mums.

You take yourself out for the day and do something you really want to do and Father's day you don't bother as you no longer have a dad

I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous. He should prioritise his actual mother, the one who gave birth to him and brought him up. Men who are good to their mums are usually good to their partners, that doesn’t mean neglecting her so his wife doesn’t “get the ick”.

Also the “I don’t burden my kids” and “they’re just typical boys” way of thinking/parenting is probably part of the reason that they’re unlikely to organise Mothers Day plans themselves I’m sorry to say. They should all have been proactively involved in organising nice Mothers Day stuff for years by now.

I think you do both yourself and your kids a disservice if you never “burden” them with the responsibility of doing nice things for family members on things like Mothers Day and birthdays. You have to instill that thoughtfulness in them.

I disagree with a lot of PP. If someone wants to change a family tradition due to age of kids etc that's absolutely fine. But:

Ultimately even if your kids are grown now, I'm sure you made sacrifices for them and did a lot for them (and I assume carried and birthed them!) And I don't think some time to reflect and some gesture to acknowledge is an unreasonable expectation

If you're going to make a significant change to family traditions, you need to bloody tell people. If you don't tell your wife that you aren't doing something, or don't tell your kids that you're handing the baton of organisation to them, then the chances are that your wife will end up disappointed and feeling unappreciated

I don't really do days like valentines, mothers day etc but I'd hope I'd recognise if celebrating this kind of thing was important to someone else and not leave them in the lurch after celebrating in previous years

If you don’t mind y’all - my kids who are boys are all lovely and very open-minded young men who do care and think about me. One of them is too far from home to visit and the other 2 will do ‘something’ I’m not really fussed about what the something is, more that I’m probably feeling a bit neglected in general right now, and husband has changed the ‘usual arrangements’ without any discussion, and I feel aggrieved at that. I just had hoped for a bit more ‘thought’ but I guess that’s another thread… or maybe not 😂
please do be kind to each other, I didn’t really post for the arguments, just needed a balance of views- which I appreciate when said with compassion xx

Use your sodding words! If your children are in their 20s they are more than old enough to be told that you expect something more than a card. Don't just sit there seething.

It is up to your adult children to organise your mother’s day festivities not your husband! Different if they are small children. TBF it’s a bit crap if they are adults and just get a card and no lunch/dinner, as it clearly is a big deal to you.

Also, maybe your MIL wants some time with her son without you there as a distraction. Mother’s Day is just a marketing ploy so I wouldn’t get too het up about it, but if you want to make it an event tell your kids.

She wants "a balance of views" as long as those views don't criticise her adult sons.

This is the approach l would take too

So are your sons doing enough or not? Because you kind of contradict yourself

It's ok to let them know their mum would like to go out for Mother's Day. They're grown ups.

It feels a bit like you're now pulling the typical MN "Oh but all the mental load" to gain sympathy after most are telling you YABU

Also the PP saying a man should abandon his mother when his wife has kids?
That's disgusting

I hope you don't have sons. And if you do I hope you remember this when you're sat there on MD alone because they don't want to "give their wife the ick" by spending time with you

For me if a guy wants to do something with his Mum on Mother's day then it's kind of her day. I would do something with my Mum and the kids on the day if they were young. If they are teens plus then I would hope they would be offering to take me somewhere I guess. But I would be focussing more on my own Mum rather than what was being done for me personally.
Could you not all meet up a few days later as a bigger group?

Am I the only one that despises Mother’s Day?

I am a mum, but am the daughter of a hateful narcissist and it has tainted my view on the day. But threads like this remind me that it’s not just me. These days should be banned!

I think though a lot of it stems from having to deal with the mental load all the time, and having to undertake a lot caring roles for family, when others are not willing to help out, I guess I felt it would be nice to have felt a bit ‘looked after’ instead of doing the looking after. My children are not to blame, they have no idea I feel this way and nor would I put that responsibility on them

Well, maybe if you were ready to let adults take "responsibility" for booking a meal, or cooking for you, or arranging an afternoon tea or whatever, you wouldn't be "dealing with the mental load all the time".
It is hardly a big ask.
My dc were taught from a young age that on Mothers Day and Fathers Day, and birthdays that was a day when you thought (in advance) about that person. They brought us a cup of tea in bed / made a card / got us some Maltesers etc., so that is just 'what you do' on those days. Same as I did for my parents and dh did for his. I hardly think it is too big a responsibility to put upon your sons.

Ask your 3 sons, two of whom are in their 20's what they are planning for you on Mothers Day, as it is you that is their mother.

And if you don't want to see your mother on Mother's Day that's fine...

My daughter has time with her DS . When the kids were little they'd spend time with me and DH would phone his mum.

just typical boys I guess!
Well your DH is also a "boy" but is managing to plan a treat with his Mother on Mothers Day.

Take your mum for brunch and then have the rest of the day to yourself! Treat yourself to whatever makes you happy. Let your DH have a nice day with his mum.

I understand how you feel OP
and would feel exactly the same in your position. It’s great your husband wants to see his own Mum on Mother’s Day but he should also be making sure that both he and the children you have raised together are using the day to acknowledge the role you play as a wife and mother,
particularly as he knows how much this means to you. To accuse you of narcissistic behaviour is nonsensical and makes him sound like quite an unkind and manipulative individual.

This!