Mother’s Day expectations

[TheSillyRaven]

Mother’s Day expectations!
i have asked my husband what we should do on Mother’s Day, given we both have mums and I’m a mum too! He said he is taking his mum out for the day. I thought we could spend the day together, all of us… and feel hurt that he hasn’t considered me in that. He has said I’m acting narcissistic and only thinking about myself! Suggesting I should tell our children what to do if I want them to take me out (2 are adults and 1 teen). Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he wants to take his mum out alone? And I’m left to sort my own Mother’s Day out?

Maybe the children have a lovely surprise planned that you are not aware of? They are all old enough to, just depends on your expectations. DC was 8 when DP died and, although helped out initially financially for a while by lovely aunt, they sorted something every year. May not have been a massive gesture, or a meal out and one memorable year spent stupid money at the local corner shop on crap teddies. But it was what they thought I would love (teddies to cuddle instead of dad), so there was thought behind it- (and at that age it was the only place they could walk to alone- they wanted to do it themselves).

When I was little, mum just wanted a bit of a fuss, some daffodils and us to attend the mother's day service with her. I grew up in a Christian family so mother's day had a totally different meaning to the Hallmark day it is now. It had evolved from returning to the mother church, but was in no way commercial.

He sorts his mum and and your teens sort there mum out 🤷🏽‍♀️

It's not her fault her son cares about her

But it is her son’s fault his own kids aren’t caring about their mum.

It’s not. It’s the kids’ fault.

Be annoyed at your adult DS not your DH

I think you should count yourself fortunate. Some people don't have a mum to spend it with, and some single mothers have small children who are incapable of organising of organising anything, and some women are unable have children so find the day triggering. You and your husband have (possibly elderly) mothers. Cherish them while you can 💞

In a few years your sons could have children (and wives) of their own. How would you want your boys to act towards you then? That’s how your husband should be with his mother.
We have two young boys. On MD we do something together in the morning then my partner takes kids to see his mum in the afternoon and I get some alone time. Everyone’s happy!

If your mums don’t really like spending time together I think your usual routine is a pretty poor way to do the day. However, I really think your DH should have talked to you about it since it’s a change.

Also, I think it’s up to DH to ensure your boys are appreciating you with more than a “typical boys” card, if that’s the way your family has normally done things. Two of them are adults but one is only 14 and if everything’s been organized before, this is the point when he should be telling them about stepping up.

Not a bad idea to stop putting the effort in for Father’s Day if he's not prepared to see any role outside of dealing with his own mum for Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day is about the relationships between you and your mum and you and your adult dc, not your dh who has has own mum to see.

It is up to children old enough to do something for their mums not partners, yours are same as mine

You are not his mother and your children are old enough to organise something . Stop organising Father’s Day - let your kids sort out for him and he can do something for his dad .

Yes thank you everyone, I do take on board the comments. I think though a lot of it stems from having to deal with the mental load all the time, and having to undertake a lot caring roles for family, when others are not willing to help out, I guess I felt it would be nice to have felt a bit ‘looked after’ instead of doing the looking after. My children are not to blame, they have no idea I feel this way and nor would I put that responsibility on them. If they want to get me a card or do something more than fab, they don’t know me like my husband does, I don’t burden them with certain things, so perhaps il keep a light heart about it and let everyone do what they want to. Thanks for the responses, please keep it kind! X

Please do fuck all for him for Father’s Dy.

And if he queries why there’s nothing, tell him he’s being narcissistic and only thinking about himself.

I consider Mother's Day to be for my mum. I make sure I see her. I'm not bothered as long as ai get a card.

I understand why you are upset, especially as the tradition has always been to spend the day together. To put a positive spin on things though - your DH is setting a wonderful example to your sons of an adult man treating his mum on Mother’s Day and showing his appreciation for her. Hopefully your boys will follow his example and you will have many years to come of them showing their appreciation and making their mum feel special on Mothers Day!

Two years ago we had a picnic in a hospital car park with MIL (FIL was in a geriatric unit in end of life care after contracting covid there) and then we sat in my DM's back garden with her as she prepared for a knee replacement op - FIL died the night before her op.
Last year we invited DM and MIL for lunch. This year I want to ignore it. Every time we have a meal with MIL she refuses to adopt basic food hygiene (double dipping, using her fork to pick from serving dishes, eating off a pudding serving dish with her spoon) DH draws me daggers when I challenge it. DM wants bland food (no spice, no flavour - she was here today and I was surprised that she didn't comment on the smell of the curry in my slow cooker). MIL drowns everything in salt before she has even tasted it. The last twice MIL has come over she has sat in our lounge wearing a scarf with her jacket zipped up as if she is going on a polar expedition; we have tried but it is impossible to get our house warmer than 18 degrees (we have a heating system flush booked for next week).
DD1 (23) moved out last summer, mainly due to clashing with DH - they are too alike - and she won't come home for mothers day so I won't be hosting DM and MIL while they sit chatting about church friends we don't know and they comment on the absence of DD1.

No you're not his mother, but you are the MOTHER to his children and you should therefore be the most important mother figure in his life. He should prioritise your day. This is why I couldn’t be with a man that’s so close to his mum, it would just give me the ick

If adult children aren't made aware of how their mothers might appreciate a bit of attention when are they ever going to step up? You still haven't said whether you'd expect more of them if they weren't boys.

Your husband is modeling looking after his mother. They should be taking note.

Go out with your mum, do the mother's day that the pair of you want.

And knock all the Father's day stuff on the head. Sadly you don't have one and your DH can have whatever his offspring are prepared to spare him.

She's not his mother.

A man taking his mother out on mothers' day would "give you the ick"?

I think going out with your own mum Is a great idea do that.

Definitely ignore Mother’s Day get together expectations.

Send DM a bunch of flowers and a card.

Leave MIL to DH.

You are not their secretary!

It's so odd that you'll be upset not to go with DH but your 'typical boys' seem to get a free pass.

I know that SOOTY, I SAID she should be the most important “mother figure” in his life, she’s the one bringing up the children, looking after the family, carrying the mental load. And yes if a grown man chooses to disappoint his wife to take his mum out on mothers day, it would give me the ick. It just makes me cringe