Mother’s Day expectations

[TheSillyRaven]

Mother’s Day expectations!
i have asked my husband what we should do on Mother’s Day, given we both have mums and I’m a mum too! He said he is taking his mum out for the day. I thought we could spend the day together, all of us… and feel hurt that he hasn’t considered me in that. He has said I’m acting narcissistic and only thinking about myself! Suggesting I should tell our children what to do if I want them to take me out (2 are adults and 1 teen). Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he wants to take his mum out alone? And I’m left to sort my own Mother’s Day out?

Of course he should spend Mother’s Day with his mother. Why should the poor woman have to celebrate jointly with your mother, with whom even you don’t get on?

Your sons are old enough to arrange something nice for you. By all means remind them it’s in a fortnight so they need to get their asses in gear, but then leave them to it.

A card, a bunch of tulips and a phone call from the one who lives away is my idea of a nice Mother’s Day. Maybe the two at home making you breakfast, if that floats your boat.

I would be hurt. Normal thing to do if you all get along is meet your mum, his mum, kids and go eat at a restaurant somewhere

Just be grateful for your mother still being alive..mine died when I was 25. I get jealous especially people who are way older than me still having their mother around

Exactly

Quite

I think your DH should be supporting at least your 14 year old to do something nice for you.
Has he said where he is taking his mum? There could be something significant about it if he’s not usually that thoughtless on Mother’s Day.
Could you invite the older ones to your house and just cook Sunday lunch in a catch-up sort of way or if you don’t want to cook, invite them around for a take away. I wouldn’t martyr the day away and do nothing, I think you just need to be proactive this year. I would feel disappointed just like you though.

Honestly, I think your MIL probably hinted or said to your dh "look would you mind terribly if we do something without TheSillyRaven's mum this year" I think your mum isn't the easiest and it is better when she is diluted with other company. in fairness to your dh and your mil, mother's day for them shouldn't always be about that. I really do think your mil deserves a lunch with her son that doesn't include your mum.

If I were you I'd arrange a lunch with my own mum - and suck that up - job done. Then I'd invite my children over for dinner - with boyfriends/girlfriends if they want. order takeout or something simple and enjoy all of you being together.

Go out for the day on Fathers' day.

I think as it is Mother's Day and your children are now adults it is on them to make the day special not your DH.

Your adult children organise it.

I struggle with this idea that DH had to put you first on Mother's Day, as you are not his mother.

Yes, when small kids are involved I can understand why he would make an effort on their behalf, but by the time they are teens I'd expect them to do that for themselves. Same for Father's Day

I think training kids up to be attentive about Mother’s Day, if that’s the family tradition, is the father’s job; just as training them up to be attentive about Father’s Day should be the mother’s job.

If it can be avoided, it’s less effective and sets a poor precedent to be pointing out they should be putting the effort in when you’re the recipient.

In the nicest possible way, I think you are being a little precious.

My DH is working Mother’s Day (overtime) and it’s also my birthday!! I’m spending the day with my DM and DD.

In my opinion Mother’s Day doesn’t need to be spent doing anything, although it can be if you would like, but actually once your DC are old enough to celebrate you without help, it doesn’t really need to include your DH as you are not his mother.

Gently @TheSillyRaven I do think your indignation is aimed in the wrong direction.

"Typical boys" is frankly just a lame excuse for why perfectly functional adults can get away with being thoughtless and inconsiderate.

I can guarantee if those same "typical boys" were trying to impress a girlfriend they'd figure out how to make an effort!

But don't talk yourself out of caring. Don't lower your expectations to meet their effort. Your expectations are fine, you just need to communicate them clearly. You deserve to be shown appreciation by your teen/adult children and they are old enough to do so.

I think your DH and his mum probably want a nice day together without the awkward atmosphere of having your mother there too. So take it as an opportunity to do something different and spend quality time with your children rather than partaking in the mass obligatory get together of previous years.

Sorry for your loss. my dad died when I was 26, it is painful still, I am of course grateful for my mum being here… it’s complex though. ❤️

Sorry for your loss. my dad died when I was 26, it is painful still, I am of course grateful for my mum being here… it’s complex though. ❤️

I think this is an odd take. It is Mother's Day NOT Wives Day. Who can't your ADULT children step up?

Me and DH see our Mum's on the Saturday and then do something with DS, who is 8, on the day

I think perhaps when I wrote the post I underestimated people’s lack of perception around the subtleties in relationships and the nuances that create the build up of tricky feelings! But thanks everyone for helping me to reflect and perhaps even change my views… would have been nice if it was done with compassion and understanding! X

I underestimated people’s lack of perception around the subtleties in relationships and the nuances that create the build up of tricky feelings!

People thinking YABU isn't because we are all emotionally illiterate or unable to comprehend 'subtleties in relationships and the nuances that create the build up of tricky feelings"

Ignore the abusive posters, OP.

These same people will call you a bad wife and mother if you don’t make a big fuss of him
in Father’s Day.

They have internalised misogyny to an incredible level.

I agree with Op, they all are lacking.

No one has been "abusive".

Typical reply when getting called Unreasonable tbh

And it's been said several times to OP to stop making a fuss on Father's Day too so that PP talking about internal misogyny is talking BS

I don't think you understand the tone of most posters and have decided well mysogony as a shut down of conversation!

I have never really made a fuss of Mothers Day. Probably due to the pressure my Grandmother put on my Mum. She would demand she got her present a day early at her place of work so all her friends could be jealous. Then moan she didnt get one on the Sunday. She made it as big as her birthday.

We have never lived near our Mums they were roughly between 4 and 7 hours away.
They got cards and maybe a small present through the post or if DH not on call working we might try to visit one o them.

My DS usually get me a card and some wild flowers from the woods. They too now live roughly 3 hours away. They do on all too.
I am just happy to have a card or a call.

I can understand your disappointment as it is a change from your routine. It doesn't sound like you want to spend it with your DM.
I suggest visiting her early with a card and a plant for a coffee or take her to the garden centre for coffee. Make sure your home by lunch as your duty will be done. Tell your boys what you are doing and that you will be home at lunch time.
If they arrange something good. If not go read your book with a bottle of wine.
Seriously. I hope you have a good day even if it is different.