Am I coercively controlling?

[Jasperforever]

So dh said, 'this is all part of coercive control, making me change my behaviour, I can't be myself'

Background is dh is a police officer, coincidentally he had a domestic violence training day a few weeks ago so I think that's where this has come from.

The situation: dh manages an adult football team, for years he'd bring the kits home to wash, I'd help put them out and pack them away, not a problem.

Then we had kids who are now 4 and 5. For the past few years I've been asking him not to bring them home because they take up so much room when drying. We have two airers that are normally drying our clothes, and I like to keep the landing banister free for towels and sheets. Dd 5 bedwets frequently so I do need this space. Also when he does bring them back and wash them he will literally leave them for days after they've dried before packing them away. It just really irritates me.

I jokingly reminded him this morning, we were just having a bit of banter and that was his reply above. I'm massively offended that he has basically called me abusive for asking not to use our house like a laundrette. I'm sitting here thinking what the fuck?

It's also not part of a bigger picture, he is obviously free to go where he wants and when and frequently does. I've also asked in the past to set up a rota with the team so everyone does it once or twice a season but he has never sorted it either.

So aibu?

Yabu- this is coercive control and he should be able to wash and dry 15 man sized shirts every week without issue

Yanbu - he's being unreasonable

Why are you washing the kit? They should be washing their own smelly clothes.

Disgusting someone like him is a police officer tbh. Of course asking him not to do loads of laundry at your house is not controlling in any way. Even if it was a joke that’s still awful.

It’s not coercive control, but he’s an adult paying towards the house and can bring kits home if he wants so YABU still, just don’t help with them

Oh calm down. They were having banter, he’s not disgusting. Also it’s both of their house, not her house.

It's not what he says. But it's his house too so it's not just your say or just his say that matters.

On the one hand if he’s washing/drying the kits as the admin thing he volunteers for to help the team (as opposed to expecting you to) then that’s perfectly reasonable and it’s actually quite nice he’s participating with the jobs to run the team he’s part of.

On the other hand it’s totally unfair for him to take up all the drying space in the house with this task for days on end.

I’d say you are reasonable to ask him to change how he dries them to avoid using up the hall so often/for so long but probably not reasonable to say he can’t do it all &/or he can’t continue to do every week. He’s being unreasonable in my mind to suggest this is is anything to do with coercive control unless there is lots more to it that you haven’t shared.

Any teams I know either take it in turns to wash the kit or the club pays for it to be laundered and one player every week is responsible for dropping off and collecting.

He’s not listening to you and is trying to shut you down. I think you have bigger problems than some washing.

It is. Either he is too thick to know what coercive control is, which in his job is concerning, or he he finds it amusing, which again is concerning in his job.

Of course it isn’t. But I tell you what, his manipulation of that narrative is very concerning.

They're adults why doesn't everyone just wash their own? Nobody does this where we play. You wash your own if you're an adult, you wash you kids if they play. No one takes the whole kit home ever. Seems a more sensible system to me. Is there some reason players cant just wash their own clothes?

I don’t allow DH to step into the house in his muddy walking boots. Is that coercive control? If he bothered to clean up after himself he could do what he wants, but he doesn’t, so it’s tough. And if he doesn’t like it he’s free to leave.

No it's not coercive control. I work in criminal law and see many cases. However, whilst I do my laundry in the same way as you and also wouldn't like it, he is an adult and part owns/rents the house. Imagine him having to say "i can't take them home because my wife won't let me". On that basis I say YABU but it is also something I might do until someone else pointed out it was unreasonable!

It’s pretty common, although sharing who takes the washing would make more sense.

His tone shifted when he said it, that's why I'm offended about it. If he'd jokingly said it then I would've laughed it off.

I don't feel like im in a position to argue it, it's his job to identify this and apparently I'm it.

I just feel like I did it for a decade before kids so surely he can respect my wish not to have more laundry to work around while we're in such a heavy laundry time. There are plenty of men on the team who have bigger houses/ no children/ more time who could share the burden.

I'd agree with this.

It also largely depends if there's anything similar to this he's ever said. My friends husband tells her that she "chips away" at him all the time. It's a tactic he uses to keep her from questioning him so he can do what he likes.

Don’t think he was listening at his course! But if a worrying he is a police officer and he thinks this is coercive control

Why can’t they take their own kits home?!

If I were him, I’d go to a launderette wash them and dry them and bag them up for next time. Job done.

This.

It’s perfectly reasonable for OP to say he doesn’t do this anymore. By the sounds of it, he’s being doing this job 5+ years. If this was a flat share, no way would it be acceptable.

yes, he lives there too, but it doesn’t mean he does what he wants in a shared space.

This is why I posted, he's made me feel horrible, and definitely feel like he's trying to manipulate me into complying with what he wants or be labelled abusive. It's lose lose

How would you stop him?

So there is a huge back story then?

No not a huge backstory, I mean him saying that to me today has made me feel horrible.

If it's his job to identify it and he thinks this is it, it's a concern. He's trivialising something that can hugely impact someone's life. Sounds like he's picked up some tips on DA in the wrong way.

If the team can't wash their own kits they need to chip in for a service wash.

definitely feel like he's trying to manipulate me into complying with what he wants or be labelled abusive.

There’s more to it, or u are over reacting

Bestie's ex was a police officer. He had similar training. He left a month after it. He claimed he realised that she'd been coercively controlling for their entire marriage.

She was devastated and broken by his claims. Then when she found her strength again, she got angry. And needed some help to get her head straight about how asking a man to wipe his arse properly so he didn't leave skidmarks in their bed and to tidy up the crap he left all over the house didn't amount to coercive control. He was a slob. And she was better off without him.

OP, I think it's something to talk to him about when you've calmed down. Does he genuinely think this or did he say it in defense? What other things does he think you do that made him claim this? Does he truly understand why the kit is causing issues in this season of life?