Am I coercively controlling?

[Jasperforever]

So dh said, 'this is all part of coercive control, making me change my behaviour, I can't be myself'

Background is dh is a police officer, coincidentally he had a domestic violence training day a few weeks ago so I think that's where this has come from.

The situation: dh manages an adult football team, for years he'd bring the kits home to wash, I'd help put them out and pack them away, not a problem.

Then we had kids who are now 4 and 5. For the past few years I've been asking him not to bring them home because they take up so much room when drying. We have two airers that are normally drying our clothes, and I like to keep the landing banister free for towels and sheets. Dd 5 bedwets frequently so I do need this space. Also when he does bring them back and wash them he will literally leave them for days after they've dried before packing them away. It just really irritates me.

I jokingly reminded him this morning, we were just having a bit of banter and that was his reply above. I'm massively offended that he has basically called me abusive for asking not to use our house like a laundrette. I'm sitting here thinking what the fuck?

It's also not part of a bigger picture, he is obviously free to go where he wants and when and frequently does. I've also asked in the past to set up a rota with the team so everyone does it once or twice a season but he has never sorted it either.

So aibu?

Yabu- this is coercive control and he should be able to wash and dry 15 man sized shirts every week without issue

Yanbu - he's being unreasonable

I think I agree with previous posters that it's also his house so he can decide to wash there whatever he wants and telling them he's no longer allowed to would be unreasonable.
But it's missing the point because using this same logic on shared house with shared kids, is it not also just as much his problem if there aren't enough clean bedsheets for the shared children, because there then isn't enough space to dry them?

How are the bedsheets just your problem, surely it's also his children so it's equally his responsibility to ensure these are cleaned and/or there is enough space to facilitate drying them?

So it's definitely not unreasonable to ask him to be at the absolute minimum considerate of that. And that's the minimum because actually providing clean bedding for his children is as much his responsibility as it is yours, so ideally he should be helping in addition to being considerate. You should both be working together on a solution for the joint problem.

Following this logic it's not a case of I can't bring the kits home because my wife doesn't want it, but it's I can't bring the kits home because WE don't have enough space at home to dry them. Unless there's another solution somewhere in the middle, ie drying the kits in a laundrette or something. But it's a joint situation and not just your problem to solve.

You're not controlling him, if he wants to bring home 15 shirts and wash and dry them fine. But it's interfering with the rest of the family's washing. Maybe get him to do that too so he can see the impact.

So dh said, 'this is all part of coercive control, making me change my behaviour, I can't be myself'

I know quite a few people who do a training day and seem to see they whole world through the lens of that issue afterwards - it usually passes.

It doesn’t sound like coercive control, it sounds like he has put himself forward for the task of washing kits and now doesn’t know/want to backtrack.

I agree with PP, would be better if he just went to the laundrette. I too wouldn’t be able to manage less space for my own washing, it would be impractical.

I think you need to stop controlling him and let him control all the washing from now on, and find his own way round the space issue.

Background is dh is a police officer, coincidentally he had a domestic violence training day a few weeks ago so I think that's where this has come from.

'I hope you're not as dismissive and mocking about coercive control to actual victims at work/when you had that training.'

Or maybe, 'awww look at you, learning some new buzz words at work and using them in the wrong context!'

Im not surprised. As a general rule i think if you question yourself about narcissistic traits then you prob are not a narcissistic/coersive

My ex is a police officer and is the biggest abuser and manipulator. Hes basically untouchable with the police. They look out for each other.
Be careful this may not end well. Keep your wits about you and dont react.

With men like this.. every accusation is a confession. Im guessing he's done the training possibly recognised something in him and is projecting it on you. Classic behaviour. Be careful.

Yes! Get off your high horse too.

What was the nature of the banter that preceded his comment?

Why can't the team players wash their own kits? Do they have learning difficulties?

And no, you aren't being controlling. Your circumstances have changed.

I'd just say to him exactly what you said, "i
I think you need refresher training on that course at work because It's no coercive control, it's not wanting our house used as a laundrette but dismissing and ignoring my concerns around this is gaslighting. In future, please visit a laundrette if you want to get them all laundered"

My god. I wonder if anyone on here has been on this course? It sounds like it is worse than useless if 2 separate police officers have come away thinking being asked not to do something which is inconvenient is coercive control. Like children threatening to phone the NSPCC over being asked to eat vegetables.

This reminds me of a well known thing abusers do where they use their knowledge of psychology to make it seem like the victim is actually abusing them.
I actually think the others would accept "my wife won't let me" as an excuse as I bet none of their partners or parents would be happy with the arrangement either. The suggestion of a rota is fair or alternatively they all chip in to have it laundered at a laundrette.

Let him do the washing. Make sure you do not touch 1 single item of it... Make a mental note not to forget his words... How is your marriage? Could he be collecting 'evidence' against you?

Frankly if he is going to be a twat about it I'd call his bluff and say I'll present myself to his station tomorrow for questioning by one of his mates and they can get the full ins and outs of the situation and decide if there is a case to prosecute.

He will be back pedal like mad because actually being outed for "joking" about coercive control in order to control you into carrying on with the laundry status quo, is nearer to a coercive control tactic.

My exh several times told me he was worried about my mh post natally.. He was trying to get me out of the picture.. Suggested a church based unit I could go to. Had many dc and never even had the baby blues...

It’s normal for the team to take it in turns to wash kit ime
my husband used to take it to the laundromat
when it was his turn
I didn’t want it in our machine tbh
why on earth is he bringing it home every week
that’s not normal

If it's his job, he's not doing it right. This is not coercive control.
Why cant everyone wash their own kit ???

Ridiculous that he’s washing kit for adults!
I run a teens footie team and THEY go home in their kit, wash it and wear it to training and for matches and seem to manage!

also - that training clearly hasn’t gone in properly…

When they are dry just bung them all in a basket for him to fold later. misses point of thread They don't take long to dry.

I suspect after the recent course he went on he thew it in to try to "win" the argument. Throw it back at him. Next time he asks you to do anything eg. Pass the ketchup or can you bring a loo roll down. Say ooh coercive control. He will see how ridiculous he was being.

Is it just possible he may have been joking? 🙄

So asking someone not to do something because it causes problems for you on one occasion is clearly not coercive control 🙄

It's also a common tactic of abusers to shut down their victims by accusing them of abuse - maybe ask him if he learnt about that on his course.

But tbh I do think YABU. If he wants to do laundry, let him. Get him to buy his own laundry rack if it's inconvenient for you and if he uses your space and you need it, dump his stuff back in the wet laundry basket.

OP said it started as banter but DH turned serious when saying the coercive control part.

why in gods name did he ever take the kits to wash for why are the players not doing that

for an ADULTS team

Can he take them to a launderette?