Am I coercively controlling?

[Jasperforever]

So dh said, 'this is all part of coercive control, making me change my behaviour, I can't be myself'

Background is dh is a police officer, coincidentally he had a domestic violence training day a few weeks ago so I think that's where this has come from.

The situation: dh manages an adult football team, for years he'd bring the kits home to wash, I'd help put them out and pack them away, not a problem.

Then we had kids who are now 4 and 5. For the past few years I've been asking him not to bring them home because they take up so much room when drying. We have two airers that are normally drying our clothes, and I like to keep the landing banister free for towels and sheets. Dd 5 bedwets frequently so I do need this space. Also when he does bring them back and wash them he will literally leave them for days after they've dried before packing them away. It just really irritates me.

I jokingly reminded him this morning, we were just having a bit of banter and that was his reply above. I'm massively offended that he has basically called me abusive for asking not to use our house like a laundrette. I'm sitting here thinking what the fuck?

It's also not part of a bigger picture, he is obviously free to go where he wants and when and frequently does. I've also asked in the past to set up a rota with the team so everyone does it once or twice a season but he has never sorted it either.

So aibu?

Yabu- this is coercive control and he should be able to wash and dry 15 man sized shirts every week without issue

Yanbu - he's being unreasonable

People saying "why is he washing the kit in the first place" are totally missing the point. Some teams work like that as it means stuff doesn't get left at home or forgotten etc.

If my DH has laundry that's still hung up when it's dry, I just bung it all in a basket and let him deal with it later. I certainly wouldn't tell him he's not allowed to do the laundry he wants in his own home.

I'd be making sure he's actually comprehended what coercive control actually is, as it sounds like he's heard the term and thinks it means "asking someone to do something".

Could he maybe take charge of all household laundry as part of his contribution to the house, and then it will be up to him to balance the drying space to ensure everything gets dried in time?

Yes it’s his house/home too but he is using his training to keep you doing as he pleases. I doubt this is the first sign of manipulation.
This is effecting family life and he should listen and respect you and then you can both come up with a solution . Instead of his way and your left with the mess then he uses abuse to control you and get what he wants . He has totaly gaslit you .

He's being ridiculous, there's a big difference between being asked not to drape laundry all over the place and being controlled.

Is always he always such a drama queen?

He is not abusive and controlling because he wants to carry on doing laundry for his football team. He’s made one stupid comment and OP is adamant there is no back story.

If you normally have a totally healthy relationship and get on well, I wouldn't over-think this. People say things in anger. He probably does feel a bit controlled by being told he can't do this washing, as it sounds like the team is important to him, and that doing this gives him a feeling of belonging.

I (a woman ) have argued with partners previously over hobbies and the amount of time I have wanted to devote to them etc. It's quite common to feel controlled if your partner tries to stop you doing something you don't want to do. On the other hand, you feel like you are saying something very reasonable - your aim isn't to control him for the sake of it, but to make your life easier (quite reasonably). Perhaps neither of you are wrong, it's just a slightly tricky situation ?

Why don't you both just cool off, then discuss it again when both calmer, and see if it is possible to reach a compromise. People say stuff in anger - i doubt it is his considered opinion that you are an abuser.

Life is short - it's isn't worth getting upset about stuff like this.

If all is well normally then yes he is being an arse and using recent training to get his own way .
On the flip side OP will know if it’s all innocent or of this has made her think deeper .

I can agree he is being an arse. But that’s not what you said, you said he was abusing, controlling and gas lighting. Which is totally different to using recent training to be an arse.

I agree with PP, would be better if he just went to the laundrette. I too wouldn’t be able to manage less space for my own washing, it would be impractical.

It's depressing when women make comments like this.

The family washig isn't the OP's own washing. It's their washing. The responsibility for getting it done and having space to dry it is just as much his as it is hers.

I would tell her that, if he wants to continue doing it, he needs to also take responsibility for drying all the other washing and ensuring there is clean bedding available every night that he can put on the bed that his child wets.

I, too, wonder if this is an abuser and a coercive controller who has recognised a trait in his own behaviour and, like many narcissists, is projecting his own behaviour onto his victim so he doesn't have to face up to what he is doing.

It's depressing when women make comments like this.

The family washig isn't the OP's own washing. It's their washing. The responsibility for getting it done and having space to dry it is just as much his as it is hers.

Oh please, it’s hardly ‘depressing’ calling my families washing my own. I do all the washing in my house, never insinuated in OP’s household it is or should be the same.

I would actually laugh a lot if my DH said that. I'd be taking the mick out of him, saying what a wet lettuce he was for saying it. All for saying you don't want 15 mens footie kits hung up on your landing every week.
Don't ask him to pick his socks up off the floor or he might cry.

Man wants to wash his team's kit=abuser.

I believe that sometimes we should step back and let men do what they need to do without worrying too much. It's his home and if you weren't there, he would do it at his own pace. While it may not be coercive in the purest sense, insisting on doing a task your way isn't healthy. Moreover, this is not even a household task, but rather his hobby.

He's a dickhead who has no idea what coercive control is.

Also, it's someone else's turn to wash all the shirts.

Utter rubbish. Why on gods green earth is he taking home and washing 11 grown adults' sports kit? Surely they all wash their own at home. Ignore him saying that and say it's massively inconvenient for me when you do this, and it is of no benefit to you either, unless you are charging them for a profit to use my washing machine?

His training must've been a bit shit as he's negated his own points to prove there...

Either there is a back story or this didn't happen.
It feels like you've thrown his profession into the mix as a dig and to make it seem sensational. The media does that for us, they don't need your help..

How much of the household laundry does he do? Can he be responsible for that as well and then maybe would see that there is an issue with drying space?

You could look at this from the economic perspective.

You've been running a free weekly laundry service for 15 adult males for over a decade - because although you've suggested it before, he can't be bothered to set up a rota so that the team (lets not forget they are a TEAM) can take the task in turns so that everyone has to do it just once or twice a season, instead of it cluttering up your home every single week.

It may sound petty but it could sway him to think of the cost of
Washing power for over 10 years
Energy Cost
Water Cost
Washing Machine depreciation (have you had to buy a new machine in that time?)
Cubic meters of space it takes up (😂)
Drying time and folding time (😂) how many hours time per year. (labour cost)

I'm joking a bit because it might sound petty, but if you were a business, that's how a business might look at it.

If you're going to be called controlling, you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and if you know the names of the team mates (or even just the shirt numbers) draw up the rota yourself, hand it to him to email it to the team
Do this in a teacherly sort of way, as if handing out a termly assignment.

If there's push back, get him to ask the arsey individuals to explain exactly why they cannot wash 15 shirts. This might make an impression on him.

I agree with this. Presumably he'll say it's "no big deal" and he "doesn't mind doing it".

If he really doesn't mind doing laundry, why not make it his domain?

What I don't understand is why does each player not wash their own kit?? I've got two teen DC's who've been playing in teams since they were 6. At no point has one person taken responsibility for washing the entire team's kit. That's just ridiculous!

(And no of course you're not being controlling)

It's about 18 shirts altogether, they have 11 players plus rolling subs so it's quite space consuming.

I do about 80% of everything because he's just purposefully shit tbh. If he does dishes they're still dirty, does the laundry it's never put out properly and basically just thrown on the airer so has no chance of actually drying. It's tiresome. He is always able to put the football shirts out nicely though.

Maybe the training is rather shitty? I've been to supposed DEI very poorly done, where people came out with pretty crazy stuff afterwards.

But I suppose the other thing is, sometimes people perceive interactions very differently. It can be a real shock to find out that someone else has felt like they are being put upon when you don't think that's what's been going on.

That is annoying.

But I still would avoid telling him he can't do those shirts.

Instead, I'd lay out what you need - a certain amount of space, for example, things to be cleared away early on. Then say, arrange your washing to fit around the families needs. Even be willing to set aside a time when he can be sure the space is free.

I'd be suggesting he do all his own washing at the same time though, if he's not great at helping out (and isn't picking up the slack elsewhere.)

That's very tedious. For me, this would be a bigger issue than the shirts. His male friends are "worthy" of his domestic efforts whereas you, his family, are not. It's a pleasure to do stuff for them, whereas being asked to do stuff for you/the children is such an imposition that he purposely messes it up to show you how unworthy you are of his time.

Personally, I'd be tempted to "lose" all the damp shirts so that they can't be found for the next session.