Am I coercively controlling?

[Jasperforever]

So dh said, 'this is all part of coercive control, making me change my behaviour, I can't be myself'

Background is dh is a police officer, coincidentally he had a domestic violence training day a few weeks ago so I think that's where this has come from.

The situation: dh manages an adult football team, for years he'd bring the kits home to wash, I'd help put them out and pack them away, not a problem.

Then we had kids who are now 4 and 5. For the past few years I've been asking him not to bring them home because they take up so much room when drying. We have two airers that are normally drying our clothes, and I like to keep the landing banister free for towels and sheets. Dd 5 bedwets frequently so I do need this space. Also when he does bring them back and wash them he will literally leave them for days after they've dried before packing them away. It just really irritates me.

I jokingly reminded him this morning, we were just having a bit of banter and that was his reply above. I'm massively offended that he has basically called me abusive for asking not to use our house like a laundrette. I'm sitting here thinking what the fuck?

It's also not part of a bigger picture, he is obviously free to go where he wants and when and frequently does. I've also asked in the past to set up a rota with the team so everyone does it once or twice a season but he has never sorted it either.

So aibu?

Yabu- this is coercive control and he should be able to wash and dry 15 man sized shirts every week without issue

Yanbu - he's being unreasonable

That's a much bigger problem then, isn't it? He sees that sort of work as less important, so he's happy for you to do it. Not ideal. Are you happy to put up with that?

Never made an inappropriate joke in your life hey? Must be nice to be so pristine!

OP doesn’t think it was a joke 🤷‍♀️

I've found when my husband pulls this card he's actually trying this behaviour with me and he's trying to gaslight me in to thinking I'm at fault.
I'd be thinking carefully about what else has been said and happening.
Like a previous poster said,
Sometimes the people that do this are the worst culprits, just like you get a lot of people with mental health issues working in mental health fields. They are drawn to it.

I'd be very concerned about him using this after apparently learning about it - he clearly hasn't understood the context at all which is very worrying.

I think you need to sit and think about any other areas he might be storing things up against you as he sounds as if he is trying to switch blame for something minor which is an odd way to be thinking if he is happy. I also get a gut feeling that men who think this way don't really like women; jumping to using this in this way is belittling of the subject which causes so much real life harm.

On a side note, I've actually never met a man that does the washing up properly, it always still has dirt on it. They don't seem to get you actually need to scrub it off, and use proper hot water for greasy stuff. It's literally been every guy I've seen doing the dishes, so I've started to wonder if this is something they just inherently see differently through men's eyes?

You said there was no massive backstory….and then said this. Ie there is a backstory of his strategic incompetence.

now he’s going one further and actually accusing you of abuse to make sure you keep being his domestic slave.

No its called weaponised incompetence... do a shit job enough times and eventually the woman will just do it. Result.

Umm these grown men need to wash their own clothes OR DH takes them to launderette to wash he pays or the team all collect to pay.
Thats what I would have said from day 1.

"It's called 'compromise', which is what happens in a proper partnership. But you wouldn't know about that, would you? Because if I don't agree wholeheartedly with what you do that's apparently me being coercively controlling. But you can disagree with me and bully me by mislabelling my behaviour to make me put up with this nonsense and that's apparently ok?"

When you've got a quiet 20 minutes, @Jasperforever, have a read of this. I think you'll find your answer.

You might want to discuss it with your husband - I'm all in favour of the police understanding coercive control!

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

I don't feel like im in a position to argue it, it's his job to identify this and apparently I'm it.

Just because he’s had training on something doesn’t means he gets it. Of course you can challenge him, if you don’t, he'll just use it to shut anything down that inconveniences him. Urgh, god help us all if this is the type of idiot that’s going to identify Coercive Control.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra exactly!!!!

I would just say that what he is doing is impacting your ability to do what you need to do for the family. You are quite happy for him to do it, so long as he does the family laundry also, at least for a couple of weeks so he can assess for himself the problems. Then he can come up with solutions, or continue to do the family laundry.
That's my MN answer.
In real life I would tell him to piss off with his ridiculous accusations.

He's making a mockery out of people who are in cc relationships. I have been in one and this situation is not Cc

I wouldn't be laundering all that kit on the principle that they could just go home in the kit, wash it and bring it back next week wearing it. I've never understood why it all has to go home with one person when in all other aspects of life people wash and organise their own work clothes etc.

With people like your DH I think actions speak louder than words. As soon as you need the space those shirts are taking up chuck them in a pile on a chair he tends to sit in. Doesn't matter if they are dirty or still damp - that's his problem. The weaponised incompetence and misusing the language of abuse to silence you is an even bigger issue. He doesn't sound like a great person to be married to.

Think he's gone a bit 0 to 20 there with his statement - your just asking him to re arrange things to make it a bit less hassle in your family home. I think organising a rota with his team is pretty reasonable. However, he may not want to do this (doesn't want to raise this with the other men, feels its his job to do etc etc who knows) so I think have a chat with him, explain that what he said upset u, try to discuss your stance in the washing and then reach an agreement. It may not be the one you hope for but meeting each other half way is really the aim

They should all wash their own kits ,- my son has played for lots of team (from age 4 to 22) and always just brought his own stuff home.

Ok, so if they’re on the airer when you need it, pull them off and chuck in a bag. I would make it very clear if mine did this that the airers can only be used for this when they’re not needed for our family laundry.

Tell him you’ve noticed that he nicely arranges the team shirts but makes a crap job of your own laundry hanging - why is that?

And tell him that if he thinks your comments constitute coercive control he’s not fit to be a police officer.

Basically don’t hold back, get him told.

I think it’s like when KS3 children do food hygiene in food tech and come home wanting to bin half the stuff in the fridge.

He’s had (ineffective, incomplete) training and learned a new phrase that applies to controlling behaviour of a partner in the home. Now he sees it everywhere.

He’s mis-applying it and defensive when you challenge his new found ignorance information.

He’s completely full of shit, obviously.

Each team member should be washing their own kit. 18 damp kits hanging about can't be good for your kids' health or the house. Do you have dehumidifiers everywhere? Must also ruin your washing machine, muddy clothes every week, must be a few loads.

YANBU.
its not coercive control.
Hes probably lording it with folk over doing kits every week.
I wouldn't want kit everywhere whereas i couldn't dry the kids stuff out stuff.
Surely hes psychological abusive accusing you of using coercive control? Its to shut u up . Thats controlling

He is either complete Incompetent totally misread the training and misapplied it here, in which case yes you should point that out to him because if he is suppose to be using it heaven help us

or he knows exactly what he is doing

Just leave them for him to do. When they're still muddy for the next game he'll stop bringing them home