To think my mother is punishing me?

[Ohdearme1]

I’ve just had my 40th birthday, and my mother is someone who has always celebrated birthdays. When it’s hers, she likes a fuss. When it’s a significant birthday she expects all the stops to be pulled out; we’ve done huge parties, weekends away, fancy meals, tickets to concerts. To mark the occasion. In response, she’s usually very generous with her own present giving.
So when my 40th arrived and I received a plant in the mail, along with a card, I found myself a little shocked and upset. She took my brother out for the day for his, and bought him tickets to euro Disney for his family. When my DH had his last year, she bought him a generous gift voucher.
She also didn’t message me or call me on my birthday, but she oddly sent me a text the day before saying “happy birthday for tomorrow”.
My only conclusion is that she is punishing me. We had a falling out a few weeks ago after she sent inappropriate text messages to my teenage son accusing him of upsetting her and not giving him enough attention at a sporting event she went to watch him at. DS was so upset because as far as he was concerned, the event had gone well and she’d been fine with him. The language she used on him was totally unacceptable and I spoke to her about it, clearly highlighting which language wasn’t ok, bad enough on an adult let alone a child. She’s been frosty with me ever since, but I’ve just been giving her time to settle down. I didn’t think for a minute that it would drag on. But I feel now like I’m being punished for challenging her over her inappropriate behaviour. AIBU?

From where I'm sitting your Mum does not seem that nice a person. Petty and small minded?

Happy birthday for your 40th and enjoy with your own close family.

@Ohdearme1 you know the answer to this. It is yes. Your mother sounds like a narcissist. Are your brothers the golden children? Has she done this to you before? The treatment of your DS is classic NPD behaviour. I’ve been there and done that with a now-deceased mother with the same personality. She won’t apologise and her behaviour is designed to keep you in your lane. I’d take her behaviour as a gift to pull back now on her own birthday celebrations. Narcissists do not like you being in control and create fictional drama to keep you on the hook. Join the stately homes thread in relationships for some helpful advice.

and happy birthday! If it helps, my mother did this to me on ALL of my significant birthdays.

What’s NPD behavior?

Yes she is. She sounds horrible.
I'd pretend I hadn't received anything but when her birthday arrives, send her a crappy plant. I'd be inclined to send one every year for the rest of eternity. I'd also take the opportunity to totally distance myself from her.

I have one brother and yes, he is her favourite. To be fair to him, he is a really lovely person and as adults, we get on really well. But I’ve always had a bit of a tough time with my mum. I seem to get it wrong a lot. I have my own ways of managing that, but I wasn’t going to not meet an issue head on when my child was involved. It wasn’t fair on him to not talk to her about it. Now I seem to have made a big problem with her and I’m hurt and disappointed in equal measure.

You're a great mother, standing up to your own mother like that for your son 💛

And yes your mother sounds like she has narcissistic traits and is trying to hurt you / get a reaction out of you. Don't make a thing of it, thank her politely for the plant and let that be the end of it (at least a far as she is concerned). I'm sorry that she did that to you. You deserve better.

I had a narcissist for a mother who died recently. Every big birthday or significant event had to be about her. Protect yourself & your family, she won't change.

My mother punished people all the time. Was very financially generous if you were in her good books. She would punish you if you challenged her behaviour.
she was a narc and your mother is too.
Many make the choice to cut narcs out of their lives.

She has obviously done it on purpose, so yes, she's punishing you for challenging her and not knowing your place. She is deliberately upsetting you and trying to spoil your big birthday to get you back for telling her off. I expect she will be the same with your son because no doubt she sees him as also being at fault.

My DM is like this and I spent years trying to figure out why she didn't seem to like me that much and what I was doing wrong. It's so awful, realising that your DM doesn't feel about you the way you feel about your DC.

What worked for me was realising I was never going to win, so withdrawing from the battle and just not seeing my parents very much. They don't live nearby and Covid helped as they stopped coming to stay. I see them 2-3 times a year now. The upside is that I don't care what she thinks any more and it just amuses me (unlike my sister who still finds her difficult). The downside is that I miss my dad.

You could challenge her - ask why she got you such a weird present and didn't contact you on the day (this is the worst thing I think - actually planning to say happy birthday the day before). But my DM would turn that into me being selfish and ungrateful and rude and never satisfied. Plus I always figured that what she wants is a reaction. So I have done that rarely and only when she is mean to me in front of other people, I'll look confused and say "eh? what do you mean?"

You could outdo her in the PA behaviour, which I have done from time to time, just send her a breezy text "thank you for the present, it's gorgeous, I love it!" Maybe also gush about something someone else got you, what a great day you had and how lucky you feel to have such lovely friends and family.

Or if you really want to clap back, you could ask her if everything's ok because you have never known her to forget before, has she noticed she's becoming more forgetful generally, does she want you to come to see the GP with her etc etc. Is everything ok financially as you couldn't help noticing her budget was a bit different this year, does she need you to lend her money or help her to stay on top of her finances. I have never bothered with this tactic because I wanted her and her opinions occupying less of my life and thoughts, not more.

My dm gave my siblings £40 each on their 40th birthdays, this is 20 years ago.
I got a ring worth about £15 given to dm by a boyfriend that she later ditched.
I can’t remember the last time my dm gave me a nice present.
My db who is the golden child gets a gift and cash.

I would be ever so gushing in response by text… “thank you ever so much for my plant. I have been absolutely spoilt on my 40th by those I that I love”.

It would ruin her plan of getting a reaction from you, and she may over analyse it and think she didn’t spoil you, who did.

Just thank her for the plant and card, then ignore her. When’s her birthday? Don’t make a fuss for hers!

It's horrid to be treated like that. It's selfish of your mum; she is reacting to your conversation like a child.
Larkin was so right about one's parents fucking one up.
As others have said, low contact for a while would be best way forward. She may then wonder why and realise the consequences of her behaviour.
Alternatively, even if you DB always has been the fave, it may be that her behaviour is the first sign of dementia, so may be worth a discussion with him

This

I can relate to this behaviour. Even though your mum was in the wrong with your son, she has made it all about herself and instead of apologising has made it a problem with you. My mum would’ve done the same. It is cruel parenting and there is nothing you can do to change it.

Happy birthday to you and spend it with your husband and son And have a lovely day because you deserve it. We drew the short straw with mothers like this and all you can do is try and get on with your life.

Seconded
Bright and breezy and then just leave it. If she is not supportive to you and your family you are not obliged to have much of a relationship with her

Just see much less of her.

This is perfect. You could add “You really shouldn’t have!”

It’s time for you to really analyse how she’s always treated you and how you react. The fact she’s now having a go at your children is not good.

Counselling may be a good idea?

YANBU and she'd be getting a crappy plant or some half-dead flowers from me every year from now on.

My mother who I'm extremely low contact with now does the same as all the other mums who make our important events about themselves.
I've struggled with it my whole life but now I give her very little time or energy, only really if I actually can't not. She still tries daily to inflict herself on my life but i think she'll do that forever. All I can do is ignore her until she or I have gone. It's crushing, but there really isn't another way.

I'm very sorry about your Mum's behaviour towards you on your special day.

You've had some great advice here.

There's some interesting reading on 'the Mother Wound' that could help?

I doubt she'll be able to change. I thought my Mum was a narcissist, but now I realise she's actually on the spectrum and masking.

Agree with this. She wants a reaction, so don’t give it to her. My dm is very similar in her behaviour and I’ve found that just reacting in a way I know she won’t like, helps me feel in control. And tbh, she has backed off a bit with me now because I just grey rock everything she says to me. My dh is in her 80s though, so her narcissism has mellowed a bit, probably because she doesn’t have the energy it takes to play the same games she used to.

Don’t give her the reaction! Send her a lovely response saying how much you love the plant and what a fabulous day you have had! She will hate that!