To think my mother is punishing me?

[Ohdearme1]

I’ve just had my 40th birthday, and my mother is someone who has always celebrated birthdays. When it’s hers, she likes a fuss. When it’s a significant birthday she expects all the stops to be pulled out; we’ve done huge parties, weekends away, fancy meals, tickets to concerts. To mark the occasion. In response, she’s usually very generous with her own present giving.
So when my 40th arrived and I received a plant in the mail, along with a card, I found myself a little shocked and upset. She took my brother out for the day for his, and bought him tickets to euro Disney for his family. When my DH had his last year, she bought him a generous gift voucher.
She also didn’t message me or call me on my birthday, but she oddly sent me a text the day before saying “happy birthday for tomorrow”.
My only conclusion is that she is punishing me. We had a falling out a few weeks ago after she sent inappropriate text messages to my teenage son accusing him of upsetting her and not giving him enough attention at a sporting event she went to watch him at. DS was so upset because as far as he was concerned, the event had gone well and she’d been fine with him. The language she used on him was totally unacceptable and I spoke to her about it, clearly highlighting which language wasn’t ok, bad enough on an adult let alone a child. She’s been frosty with me ever since, but I’ve just been giving her time to settle down. I didn’t think for a minute that it would drag on. But I feel now like I’m being punished for challenging her over her inappropriate behaviour. AIBU?

Agree with all the advice but I also wanted to say a massive well done for protecting your son in the way you did. It’s not easy when you have a parent like this, the instinct is to avoid anything that upsets them, but you had your son’s back and it will have meant the world to him having his mum defend him. It’s awful that his grandmother treated him like this but you were brave and you didn’t accept your mum’s crappy centre of attention drama. From my experience there is only damage limitation with a parent like this - nothing you do will make them behave like the parent you wish they could be, but YOU are being the parent you wish you had had and not carrying on the pattern and that’s brilliant. I would find a way to treat yourself, leaving your happiness in your mother’s hands is a recipe for unhappiness so take hold of it yourself.

You don't get it wrong a lot with your dm, you will NEVER get it right - she will see to that

The best thing you can do, as a pp suggested is being totally over the top about the plant, how lovely it is, how you were saying to a friend you wanted one, it's like she could read your mind. That you've had suck a lovely day and everyone has spoilt you.

Then see her for what she is and stop crossing oceans for her when it's her time. Buy her a plant next birthday, if she complains, says it's not enough or thoughtless, say you were so thrilled with yours that you thought she'd love one for her home.

Yes, my mum does stuff like this. Control freak

Narc mama. Don't react, you'll never get what you want from her. It's not your fault. x

Let her jog on. In a similar situation I backed off completely from the relationship. I wasn’t rude but just stopped contacting her. It was such a relief

Happy birthday and well done for standing up for your son.

Although my mum wasn't like this, I have encountered similar people and it's not you that has done anything wrong. Everything is from their own perspective. Even if they have done something wrong, it's all about how bad they feel about being "told off", they don't feel bad about their own actions nor care about the feelings of those hurt by their actions.

Agree with others, don't engage with the behaviour, say thank you, it was lovely, and you had a really great day with DH and the kids. A nice day without her, in other words.

In future, keep a bit of distance. Because I would lay money on the fact that as she hasn't got the response she wanted from you this time, she will find other things to take offence at.

Thank you so much for all your responses. It’s a relief to know it’s not just in my head, and I’m just being too sensitive. I did message her thanking her for the plant. It was polite but not overly gushy. Her reply back seemed ultra enthusiastic, with suggestions for placement in my house and the need for it to have a good water. It seems a bit odd and forced going by her usual text speak.

I’ll leave it now. The birthday is done. I had a lovely evening with my DH and children, very low key as I’ve actually been recovering for the last few months from surgery and I’m still quite weak. I’ve noticed that she’s become more challenging and demanding since I had the op. My husband isn’t doing what she wants as he’s been running the house and she’s been quite cross with me about him. Not a lot I can do. I’ll just back off a bit for now. My parents aren’t together so I don’t have to worry about not seeing my dad if I do this.
You’ve all given me a lot to think about…

Glad you are ok @Ohdearme1 I actually got into my 30’s before I discovered narcissistic personality disorder and read a load on it. You should be aware that if you think your mother matches some of the descriptions it does make you quite sad, particularly as your child reaches the ages when certain events may have happened in your childhood. For me, it was my mother’s treatment of my DD which was the final straw. It was a similar situation to the one you describe. I actually divorced my first husband because she told him something and ordered him to keep it from me which was a deal breaker (amongst other issues). It sounds dramatic but a mother with NPD does not respect your confidences so her being able to manipulate my DH was unacceptable. My second DH saw through my mother from day one which meant i was with someone who saw what I saw. Up until then I felt like I was going mad. Going low contact and Utilising the ‘grey rock’ technique (when you tell the person absolutely no personal information except maybe stuff you want other people to know) really helped.

I really like @Hughs suggestions as for a way to regain control. I wish I’d have thought of those…. !

The main situation now is to recover from your op, and make sure your DS understands it is not it fault that his grandmother is acting up. My DD was lucky that her dad’s mother was the loveliest woman and so in the end my mother lost out on time with her only grandchild by playing games. Your DH sounds like a lovely guy who has your back.

Pick up on her theme going forward op. And send her a fucking cactus for her next birthday. In fact for Mother's Day if that is sooner..

Wish her a happy mother's day on Saturday, then have a lovely day on Sunday with your family.

Oh yes "happy Mother's Day for tomorrow"

Hey OP
Happy birthday 🎉
Unfortunately it does seem like your mother has narcissistic traits
The two massive indicators,
1, row with your teenage son, narcissistic parents/ grandparents cannot cope with them, teenagers are individualising, finding themselves, narcissistic people don't like this as they are no longer getting the attention they feel they are deserving and will do everything possible to put the teenager back in "their place" it's not surprising she kicked off when the attention should have been on your son (sports day) the jealousy would have driven her mad, hence the abusive message to your son.

2, being difficult with you when you are ill, narcissistic people cannot cope when people who should be giving them attention get ill, they see it as competition,
In a narcissistic world people close to them exists purely to provide them with attention, when this person gets ill the supply stops and they really cause a problem in them.

If your mother had been like this her whole life then you should be incredibly proud that you are such a great mother. having a lifelong narcissistic parent can cause a lot of damage.
Unfortunately most narcissistic people also seem to get worse as they get older.

Just a small update… it’s been a week since my bday. Last communication was thanking her for the plant. Today I get a text saying she’d like to get me a proper 40th gift one day, like she did for my brother. I’m not really sure what to make of it, and how I’m meant to respond. I’m also unsure why this wasn’t written in my card, or in the text she sent me before my bday. Why now? What’s the motivation? Was a weeks punishment enough in her eyes? Is she wanting me to reach out to her to get a bigger gift? I’m obviously not doing that. I feel so confused and uncomfortable by the whole thing.

I'd be tempted to reply "Thanks for the thought, Mum, but don't put yourself out. The plant represents our relationship perfectly."

And then bin/regift the plant and leave it at that.

Gosh, so difficult. It's definitely an opportunity/turning point in your relationship for change and for you to take control. Maybe text later on/tomorrow Thanks for getting in touch. Yes that would be nice. Speak soon x and then keep repeating the idea that you'll be in contact when it suits you? A good solid week of keeping her at arms length might get her to reflect on her behaviour...

Ah the guilt has set in. You've not reacted and she's now feeling guilty at getting you a shit 40th birthday present.
Like pp said, I'd be inclined to say no. Don't give her the chance to try and absolve herself, she shouldn't have been an arse in the first place. Let her live with her decisions.

I think OP, thats the closest to an apology that your mum is capable of. Its up to you whether you accept it or not though.

This is exactly how I'd like to think I'd react to the situation.

I know it's easier said than done when you're in the middle of it all.

Sounds like she's being very petty, probably not intentionally punishing you as such , but she is probably offended and feels she has done no wrong , therefore won't be willing to be as generous!

You are on the right track with your thinking; Her behaviour is all about her - it says nothing about you and who you are as a person. The reason it may be confusing is that you would not behave the way she has, so trying to understand her motivation is difficult - it is simply not the way you think.

Read up on narcissism and covert passive aggressive narcissism. There's a good book by Debbie Mirza.

'no need Mum, the plant was the perfect gift from you. Hope you are keeping well' and leave it at that. She's squirming now and wants some control back over you.

She wants you to be sooo grateful for The Big Gift... So don't accept one.. Then you owe her nothing..
Not a moment of your thoughts either..

I think this is a good suggestion, its either this or you accept her 'apolagy' and nothing changes.

She’s realised. she’s trying to buy you back.
it depends how you feel about that. My mil does this. I take the gifts, as payment for all the crap I have to take!! That’s the way I see it, I completely emotionally detach as does my DH.

I think she is trying to get her power back, it was a power move to give you that plant, she wanted you angry so you would confront her and when she didn't get that she sees is as losing a battle with you. So now she is trying to get you wondering what gift she could get. If she truly wanted to get a big gift like your brother she would have actually done it for your birthday, not a week late.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction, I would just say thank you for the offer but no need, I got lovely gifts from family and my birthday is over now. Then move onto when you are next seeing her or something trivial to put at the end to show you have moved on.

Luckily I had a lovely Mum and MIL but my sister's MIL works the way your Mum does, feigns surprise at people being hurt by her behaviour. She is awful.