To think my mother is punishing me?

[Ohdearme1]

I’ve just had my 40th birthday, and my mother is someone who has always celebrated birthdays. When it’s hers, she likes a fuss. When it’s a significant birthday she expects all the stops to be pulled out; we’ve done huge parties, weekends away, fancy meals, tickets to concerts. To mark the occasion. In response, she’s usually very generous with her own present giving.
So when my 40th arrived and I received a plant in the mail, along with a card, I found myself a little shocked and upset. She took my brother out for the day for his, and bought him tickets to euro Disney for his family. When my DH had his last year, she bought him a generous gift voucher.
She also didn’t message me or call me on my birthday, but she oddly sent me a text the day before saying “happy birthday for tomorrow”.
My only conclusion is that she is punishing me. We had a falling out a few weeks ago after she sent inappropriate text messages to my teenage son accusing him of upsetting her and not giving him enough attention at a sporting event she went to watch him at. DS was so upset because as far as he was concerned, the event had gone well and she’d been fine with him. The language she used on him was totally unacceptable and I spoke to her about it, clearly highlighting which language wasn’t ok, bad enough on an adult let alone a child. She’s been frosty with me ever since, but I’ve just been giving her time to settle down. I didn’t think for a minute that it would drag on. But I feel now like I’m being punished for challenging her over her inappropriate behaviour. AIBU?

My Mother was the same as many described on here - made my life an absolute misery however … when she died I was very dressed and sad .. which completely stymied and mystified me ..so I went to bereavement counselling and was told that it wasn’t my Mother I was mourning or grieving for it was in fact the realisation that I’d never have a ‘happy’ Mother/child relationship - never underestimate the damage these type of people inflict. You have my sympathy OP - look out for/after yourself and family 👍☘️

I read the replies with interest as they all seem very similar. I feel compelled to add that when you have cared for your mum with dementia as I have, you have a very different perspective on the mum-daughter relationship, and you no longer demand exemplary behaviour and you become far more forgiving. It's so easy to use labels like 'narcissist'. Your mum is human and she makes mistakes like we all do. Try and talk to her about what's happened. Better to have an honest conversation. Maybe she is feeling lost and sidelined. Getting old is hard. Maybe this prompted her to behave oddly. You only have one mum. I came to really appreciate that.

Oh leave the silly old boot to it. And good on you for challenging her behaviour......sounds like it was needed.

I'd have just responded with had a lovely day thanks, insert what you did and with who then and thanks for the plant. Then just leave it.

Well, duh.

A lot of the people commenting on the thread are the ones who have dealt with this kind of thing themselves and recognise the signs. That's WHY they're commenting on the thread.

It's a bit like when someone starts a thread saying "my kid is behaving like this" and listing many of the lesser-known behaviours associated with autism. You are going to get lots of comments saying, "my DS also did this and he has autism." It's not because some massive percentage of the population has kids with autism. It's because the ones who do are much more likely to recognise the signs and comment on the thread.

Narcissism isn't a massive percentage of the population!
Sometimes all that's needed is a conversation rather than just " leave the silly old boot to it!!"
We all make bad judgements now and then.
Every time my kids make bad judgements or mistakes I don't disown them.

And sometimes all that is needed is to „leave the silly old boot to it“

Id add how thoughtful she had been giving you a gift that will keep growing and last for years to come.

This

Happy 40th Birthday <3

I'd send her a thank you card stating how generous the gift was and then distance myself and have as little contact as possible. As others have pointed out, she sounds like a covert narcissist.

I had a 6 year long relationship with one and the only thing you can do to manage them if they are close to you is to never ever let any of your feelings be apparent. Give them no supply at all. Because your emotions good or bad is their energy source.

There is a lady called Dr. Ramani who is a Psychologist and a Professor of Psychology. She has youtube and facebook as well as podcast as resources on how to deal with them. Her content helped me get out of that hole.

Another if anyone reading this is dealing with a romantic Narc is HG Tudor who is on Youtube as Knowing the Narcissist.

I saw an expert in narcissism say that they now believe 1 in 6 people are narcissistic.

There are levels of narcissism and between 4 and 6 types.

my dm didnt buy me a 40th birthday card, she said she couldnt find one and was also away and unable to look after my dog even though i had asked her, she often used to plan her holidays around my birthday.
really odd

i worked with someone whose daughter was 40 and she felt uneasy about it! perhaps it is aging for our mothers, realising their offspring are 40

Look, she’s your mum, you only get one mum. She’s been a bit of a bitch, realised it and is trying to make amends in her own way. Accept her for what she is and have her in your life.. or don’t. Is confronting her going to change anything?Go with what’s best for you and your family.

I'm guessing she either-

Didn't get a reaction from you so she's bored.

Feels bad because she overreacted and wishes to make amends

Realised she looks like a dick and wishes to change that

I think that is the statistic for those formally diagnosed with narcissism. That assumes that narcissists seek diagnosis. They usually don't.

Also, there are many who, although aren't diagnosed narcissists, demonstrate narcissistic behaviours

For my 40th my mum sent me £40. Didn’t call or text me. Rarely gets me a Christmas present (usually sends money which is fine) but kicks off if I suggest we only buy presents at Christmas for the kids as she likes to unwrap presents. She’s a dick and your mum sounds like one too.

@Ohdearme1 I was in my 30’s before I realised that my Mother’s behaviour towards me for all of my life was not normal and she had NPD. It was a relief and an eye-opener at the same time.

For anyone else commenting on the thread with ‘You only get one Mum’-type comments, it is great you have a good relationship with yours, but for many of us, it has not been possible. And this is not our fault. This behaviour is way beyond ‘she was old/being a bit of a dick/has signs of dementia’ this is behaviour that goes back years. To have to admit that your Mum doesn’t like you as a child is like carrying a shameful secret. For years you wonder if it is your fault somehow. Then you find threads like this and everything falls into place and you don’t feel so alone. That is why a lot of us who have experienced Mother with NPD post on these sorts of threads. It is absolutely the case that you have to mourn the relationship you should have had/want. The OP does not have to put up with this treatment and she is absolutely right to step in when it affects her child. This is not the same as disowning your teenager who has once behaved like a dickhead. This is years of riding an exhausting emotional rollercoaster. Years of treading on eggshells, trying to please someone who can never be pleased. Years of the one person who should be your cheerleader being the one who consistently torments/criticises you/keeps you dangling. It is a recipe for leaving a child of a narcissist with low self-esteem.

No narcissistic ever thinks ‘am I a narcissist?’ - hence they roam amongst us officially undiagnosed. A lack of diagnosis however doesn’t mean that their behaviour Isn’t affecting other people.

@Thefamilystallone
Great post!

It's horrible to hear the 'you only have one mum'-type comments. I did only have one mum and my relationship with her has broken me in such a way I don't think I'll ever be 'fixed'

For those who say these things - how lucky you are not to get it. Please keep these victim-blaming comments to yourself

I wish I had a tenner for every time some twerp posts "you only have 1 mum" asinine shite.