To think my mother is punishing me?

[Ohdearme1]

I’ve just had my 40th birthday, and my mother is someone who has always celebrated birthdays. When it’s hers, she likes a fuss. When it’s a significant birthday she expects all the stops to be pulled out; we’ve done huge parties, weekends away, fancy meals, tickets to concerts. To mark the occasion. In response, she’s usually very generous with her own present giving.
So when my 40th arrived and I received a plant in the mail, along with a card, I found myself a little shocked and upset. She took my brother out for the day for his, and bought him tickets to euro Disney for his family. When my DH had his last year, she bought him a generous gift voucher.
She also didn’t message me or call me on my birthday, but she oddly sent me a text the day before saying “happy birthday for tomorrow”.
My only conclusion is that she is punishing me. We had a falling out a few weeks ago after she sent inappropriate text messages to my teenage son accusing him of upsetting her and not giving him enough attention at a sporting event she went to watch him at. DS was so upset because as far as he was concerned, the event had gone well and she’d been fine with him. The language she used on him was totally unacceptable and I spoke to her about it, clearly highlighting which language wasn’t ok, bad enough on an adult let alone a child. She’s been frosty with me ever since, but I’ve just been giving her time to settle down. I didn’t think for a minute that it would drag on. But I feel now like I’m being punished for challenging her over her inappropriate behaviour. AIBU?

It wasn't til my mother died that I realised she was a narcissist. All my life I'd been the preferred one - more academic than my sister, had views that mirrored mother's etc
Then I committed the ultimate sin - I left an unhappy marriage where I did absolutely everything and wasn't appreciated. This brought such shame on her that she left my sister (whom she'd criticised virtually her whole life) half of everything and the other half was split between me, my 2 kids and XH.

The more I read since she's gone I realise she was a controlling horrible narcissist and I'm sorry OP that yours sounds like the same.

Second update… I text her back saying that was kind of her to want to, but not to worry as she’d already given me a gift and the birthday was now over, and there’s no need. That I was quite happy with that. She’s replied instantly saying she’s not taking no for an answer and the only reason she didn’t get me a more special gift for the day is because she didn’t know what I’d like because I’m hard to buy for 🤔. I just don’t get it. If it was me, I would have written this in their bday card. Or I would have had a conversation before the birthday to work out what to get them.

She is back tracking, she did not think you would be so thankful for the gift she sent you. Bet she feels guilty now.

My mother does similar. A couple of years ago she didn't contact me at all on my birthday so I rang. She wouldn't speak to me. My dad said oh your mother won't come to the phone. My crime? I hadn't gone "home" for my birthday. I was 54. I have three adult children and live with my partner in what I quite reasonably I think consider my home. She posted on FB, my daughter refused the come home for her birthday, first time she hasn't been at home for her birthday for 54 years. ( She isn't my FB friend, someone I know saw it and told me). Given her obvious complete lunacy, I just ignored her.

My mum got my brother and his family a holiday for his big birthday. I’m a few years younger. She never bothered with me and then claimed the next year she didn’t realise it was my milestone birthday previously. She did. I paid for her to come on a big holiday with my husband and kids for it. Still nothing. It hurts but what can you do.

It’s either guilt…

shes saying it to assuage her guilt (and possibly, it’ll never happen)

or

she is a mumsnet user….

She's annoyed you didn't call her out or fall for her trick and you were gracious about the lack of a decent present so she wants to make a fuss now to make herself look better

Do Oxfam still have goats?

She was expecting a massive strop from you - which she would use to justify her original treatment. She didn’t get it and now realises that she may lose influence over you if you back away from the relationship. It sounds exhausting and you have my sympathy.

Oh so now she making it out to be your fault she didn't buy you a special gift.

Talk about manipulative.

"Thanks mum but I have everything I need and had a lovely birthday, thoroughly spoilt with some gorgeous presents. There's really no need, don't give it another thought x"

“Whatever you like, mum” on repeat now.

She is making it your fault that you didn’t get a proper present.
my late MN used to use presents/ money as weapons.
For my 50th she said she would pay for my cousin and I to go abroad for a few days. Cousin and I found it almost impossible to settle on a date. When I did say we had found something( a good while later) she told me I hadn’t been quick enough and she had since spent all the money set aside on jewellery for herself.
She was forever writing me out of her will if she got cross with me.
She would regularly take presents back and sell them if she didn’t think you were being effusive enough.

You can be bloody minded about it, or pragmatic. She has not behaved well and I agree with others that she was disappointed that you didn’t have a strop and she can’t use that to behave badly. But frankly, if she is willing to buy your family tickets to Euro Disney as she did for your brother, I’d probably say that I’d like the same and take them. The damage is done, why forego a family trip if it won’t actually get you any further with her anyway?

Both my parents show narcissistic traits and one of the big things they like to do is brag to other family and friends about how generous they are. Maybe she's realised that she can't show off to others at the moment so wants to do something bigger now. Maybe a relative has asked how your 40th went and that's why she's now desperate to have something to say - she obviously can't admit she only sent a plant!!

Also, as a PP said, she is still saying it's all your own fault you didn't get a decent present!

Yes, this.

She snubbed your birthday to punish you and now she wants to reel you back in.

Honestly, I would put a lot of distance in here. And no more super-duper efforts for her birthday, either - she has set the precedent that a card and a plant (and no message on the day) is fine.

My mum is like this, but she would secretly punish me whilst being as nice as pie to my face. Others would know and talk behind my back whilst I had no idea. I’d find out weeks or months later what had happened and it was awful. I’m now cut off after she had a hissy fit whilst drunk over something I was trying to help her with. It’s almost 4 years since she has been in touch and I still don’t know how a parent can ever do that to a child. I hope you had a happy birthday regardless.

You do get it - she's punishing you and now she wants to rake back the control through manipulative excuses about you being "hard" to buy for. A normal person would do exactly as you have said - talk about it before or write it in a card.

Just keep on with the "no thanks mum, appreciate the offer but my birthday is now over". Rinse and repeat.

This could also imply that you don't love dm as her present was crappy. Only she will know this version of interpretation

Do you ever speak on the phone? Might be better than texting.
All this texting seems a cop out. You can never tell peoples tone either. X

I'd just reply "Whatever"........

@Ohdearme1
She wants you back where you belong - dangling on the end of her string wondering what your proper present will be and when you're going to get it, if ever.

Don't fall for it.

She is your mum and i am sure love her but i wouldn't like her at all. Please step away from her. She has been beyond awful to you and your Son. Let her sit and stew and then come and apologise to you. Never forget what she has done, don't let her too close.

Happy birthday OP! Sorry you're having a bad time. Sounds to me like she just wants a reaction from you. Don't give her the satisfaction. Thank her profusely and say what a lovely day you're having. If it's any consolation,I can remember my late DM doing something similar to me years ago. She was lovely in so many ways,but for some reason,on my 40th birthday,she bought me a bale of towels. When it had been my older brother's 40th,a couple of years earlier,she'd given him the money to buy a new (second hand) car. That was 5 grand. I got a bale of towels costing 20 quid. My DD was like 'WTAF?!'.

Yes that’s fair enough and does make a difference. I talk on the phone to my Dad, and it’s so much easier. The reason I don’t talk to her on the phone is that she’s very hard of hearing, so she hates it if people try to call her. Gets very stressed out because she can’t hear, so we text instead because of this. It’s quite a challenge to make sure she’s hearing properly in person, so phones are a no go.