To think my mother is punishing me?

[Ohdearme1]

I’ve just had my 40th birthday, and my mother is someone who has always celebrated birthdays. When it’s hers, she likes a fuss. When it’s a significant birthday she expects all the stops to be pulled out; we’ve done huge parties, weekends away, fancy meals, tickets to concerts. To mark the occasion. In response, she’s usually very generous with her own present giving.
So when my 40th arrived and I received a plant in the mail, along with a card, I found myself a little shocked and upset. She took my brother out for the day for his, and bought him tickets to euro Disney for his family. When my DH had his last year, she bought him a generous gift voucher.
She also didn’t message me or call me on my birthday, but she oddly sent me a text the day before saying “happy birthday for tomorrow”.
My only conclusion is that she is punishing me. We had a falling out a few weeks ago after she sent inappropriate text messages to my teenage son accusing him of upsetting her and not giving him enough attention at a sporting event she went to watch him at. DS was so upset because as far as he was concerned, the event had gone well and she’d been fine with him. The language she used on him was totally unacceptable and I spoke to her about it, clearly highlighting which language wasn’t ok, bad enough on an adult let alone a child. She’s been frosty with me ever since, but I’ve just been giving her time to settle down. I didn’t think for a minute that it would drag on. But I feel now like I’m being punished for challenging her over her inappropriate behaviour. AIBU?

I don’t think she’s offering a trip to Disney. She said a special gift like my brother, but I don’t think she means the actual same thing…

Well that’s the other option then….

”Ok - if you insist then that would be lovely. Jack and Sarah have always said how much they would love to go to Euro Disney. We’ll have to discuss dates in more detail but I think that early July works well for us all.”

Only to be said if you actually want to go to Euro Disney though!

I think she's realised that if anyone finds out it makes her look bad for only sending a plant and a card when she got your Db so much. Stops you or anyone else saying she plays favourites.

OP, sadly the person like your mother never backs down, admits their fault or apologises. Never.

How dared you stand up for your child, of course you’ve earned your punishment in her eyes which meant no „big” present for your significant birthday.

Your mother knows/knew exactly what she’s doing. I wouldn’t rise to her bait of half arsed „apology” in the means of giving you a „speshul” birthday gift because she „didn’t know what to get you”.

Any loving parent doesn’t forget their children’s birthday. Never. If she didn’t know what to get you she could have asked you before the birthday,not after a week when she got over her perceived hurt.
Not acknowledging your actual birthday (especially as it was the big one)on the day with a message is literally „F… you, I don’t care about you”.

Whatever her motives are they are not good.Manipulative to the boot.Won’t take „no” for an answer? That’s because everything has to be HER way.

The offering came so you wouldn’t be able to say that she never got you anything for your significant birthday. The fact it came a week after your birthday? Well,she never knew what to get you.

Whichever way you want to turn OP, it will always be your fault and never hers. You are supposed to sweep things under the carpet and never challenge your mother about her behaviour,whether it’s swearing at your children or treating you like shit on your birthday.

Sorry,it sucks having self- absorbed relatives.

Belated Happy Birthday 🙂💐

Someone up thread mentioned the Stately Homes thread - I highly recommend it.

My mother stopped celebrating Xmas and birthdays when I was 2. She instead made her wedding anniversary the family ‘present day’.
However my DM was not good at getting presents. She would get really stressed, would never know what to buy, couldn’t be bothered wrapping anything. Added to that, from 10 onwards my parents DID NOT get on, and the anniversary was a day for moods, sulking, taking to her room, and pledging a divorce by this time next year. Somethings we’d get a full blown row too.

@Ohdearme1 classic narc behaviour I’m afraid. She didn’t get the reaction she was expecting from her snub on your birthday. Now the narrative isn’t “look how ungrateful she is complaining about my thoughtful present” but she fears other will see what you see. Narcissists need other people to see them has wonderful , benevolent people. They generally surround themselves with easily manipulated people who worship them/need them. You are neither. She needs to control you, hence the created drama. The offer isn’t a genuine need to gift you something you want, it is a way of trying to make you feel bad. “You are so hard to buy for” is a classic line.

My advice would be to not let her see how much she has hurt you, else she will repeat this behaviour again at a later date on another occasion special to you. My guess would be Disney would have strings such as she is coming with you…

I think you’ve done the right thing so far in refusing a ‘better’ gift. Let her wallow now for a bit. And absolutely pull back on participation in her own showy birthday activities. She has set the standard now and she absolutely knows it. Narcissists need large public shows of affection. Do not give them to her. I suspect your support for your DS is the kicker here. Many narcissists didn’t have someone standing up for them when they were children, so it could be envy of you breaking the abuse cycle that is at play here.

Keep going OP, you are stronger than you think.

I'm not sure about some of the suggested replies in this thread. I'd be tempted to be more straightforward. I'm not sure that 'clever' retorts work with people like the OPs Mum. She isn't going to suddenly stop being some unpleasant because of a snippy text from the OP.
If the OP was upset with the gift and was wondering if it was because her Mum was punishing her I'd have asked the Mum that more directly.

Whilst ordinarily I would agree with this, when it comes down to dealing with someone such as ops mother, it would more then likely turn into her mother feigning upset that OP has mentioned it and would likely turn it all on OP (much like she has done a bit already saying she's hard to buy for...). I wouldn't go with passive-aggressive texts, but I would certainly tell her not to bother with anything else. She's doing it to try and make herself feel better for behaving so terribly - that isn't OPs responsibility, and her mother needs to sit with those uncomfortable feelings whether she likes it or not.

Happy Birthday op. Mine is really tight nothing for my 50th. It did sting I wont lie. Ive decided zero fuss going forw. Then she wonders why no one takes her away. Its really hurtful. I do feel it when i hear how others are with their families.

Ah so now it's your fault because you're hard to buy for. Agree with pp and so would go for "Whatever you like, mum".

Thank you all for all your advice and support. It’s been incredibly eye opening. I hadn’t dug deep into the way my mother operates, I’ve just always known that I feel uncomfortable in her presence and never really thought deeply about why. With your suggestions, I’ve started reading into narcissism and so much of it rings true. I feel a bit like my mind has blown 🙈.
I’m also starting to think I’m maybe not such a bad daughter after all (very much the feeling I’m often left with after interacting with her). DH has never liked her, but wasn’t able to fully pin down exactly why. But I’ve mentioned things you guys have said and his eyes have lit up. Learning for us both!
For now I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t know if I want to keep pushing back on the gift, or just let her do what she wants. Now I can see more clearly what’s going on, I don’t need to “win” that battle. Lots of reflection, processing and deeper reading is on the agenda for me. Thank you all for showing me the way, and reassuring me that it wasn’t in my head!

Love this!!!

I feel as much for your son as I do for you, to have a nasty text sent to you by your grandmother is terrible and your Mum certainly crossed the line and you had to pull her up on her shocking behaviour. It's one thing as an adult dealing with a parent like that but now she's treated your son the same, did you tell your brother what she did as I'm sure he would probably be disgusted with her too maybe him saying something would make her see how wrong she was 🤔
The suggestion that you gushingly say how lovely the plant was and how you've been really spoiled I think is the best way to deal with her and definitely distance yourself as you'll never win and I can see her dragging this on for a while. Happy 40th, I do hope you have a wonderful day and you are spoiled by people that do care 🙏❤🎉

Your mom sounds like a narcissist. Mine is the same and I cut her off at exactly your age-40! That was over 2.5 years ago and it was the best decision I (finally) ever made. My life is so much better without her in it. Happy birthday! Give yourself the gift of loving yourself the way your mother never did/could and sadly never will /can.

Considering narcissism affects only 1 to 5% of the population, there seems to be an awful lot of narcissistic mothers on this thread!

That tips it firmly into sarcastic territory though.

Im afraid I’m a bit of a believer in “ say it” or “ get over it.” All these heavily encrypted messages normally make the person delivering look a bit uptight and odd - if they even get noticed.

I’d either just thank her ( politely not profusely) and ignore; or raise it with her straight if it’s bothering you.

I used to think all these “snide comment” games were clever when I was younger, but I’m realising straight bat when it’s needed saves a lot of wasted emotional energy.

… and on MN generally.

Thank her... it's the plant you've always wanted.
Imperfect things happen.

Get over it and don't let it fester.
Show your son how to get over it too; focus on the good things and have a laugh.

Aka: trying to make up?

Have a relative who is also like this. I suspect if you go back with a "Don't worry, birthday is now past type message", it won't settle the issue either. She still won't have had a reaction out of you and will need to up the stakes.

In that case, be prepared to be blindsided by a totally over the top present that you'll be expected to be ridiculously thankful for. She'll make it the main topic at family events, tell all her friends about it and post on social media (if she uses it). She'll have some reasons why it was late, most likely your surgery recovery. Everyone will have to say how generous she is and you'll be boxed into telling folk what a lovely surprise it was and not mentioning any of he "previous unpleasantness" or you'll look ungrateful.

You have my sympathies, it is complete game play.

She's talking about a present but putting the onus on you.

So it'll be your fault if no present.

Did your brother ask her for a meal out & tickets to EuroDisney?

Why wouldn't that also be suitable for you & your family?

Or a weekend away or Alton Towers or something?

She could easily think of a present along those things if she wanted to!

Send her the plant back for her next birthday

Is your mum my mum?
She pulled incidents like this.
Narcissistic abuse and yes she has a golden child...however all siblings get on. Usually its the lads that are the golden children.. because they pacify her behaviour.
I drew the line when she also started having a go at my teenage daughter...she was jealous of any female because she loved attention from men (to the extent that she was flirting unashamedly with nieces partner)..76 year old woman with a 25 year old. Embarrassing.
However i didnt want my daughter damaged by her..i have now gone NC with her and want nothing to do with her.
Id go NC or very low contact...and yep id send her a little pot plant on her birthday...a big birthday

Btw...my mum would spoil the other adult siblings...id be lucky to get a card. Its game playing to keep you inline.

Yeah, punishing you didn't work and now she's trying to reel you back in.