To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

It seems a funny thing for mum to focus on, given the situation. I hope she feels better and able to have her son back soon

Couldn't anyone else in the family have had him, to save him going to a stranger?

I'm glad to hear that. I'll tell his mum and hopefully it will reassure her.

If the child has been taken into foster care then tights are the least of his problems. If Mum wants to decide what he wears then maybe don’t get him taken off you?

What an absolutely nasty, assumptious reply. OP has stated several times that mother is ill, I’ve seen since you wrote this shite that OP has confirmed mother has cancer.

I hope you feel stupid, ashamed and sorry. You massive idiot

There are two possible reasons the FC is putting him in tights . (1) for warmth (2) to secure his nappy.

To my mind, there are legitimate reasons to ask her to stop (1) he’s too hot (2) the feel and texture of the tights fabric is upsetting him.

There is also a non-legitimate reason to ask her to stop: tights are for girls.

You, the BM and the SW (though I find this hard to believe) are bothered about the wrong thing.

But perhaps she doesn’t even get why the tights aren’t ok? It’s like saying why did she bring the child along with hair longer than an inch because ‘everyone knows boys need shaved heads with very short hair because hair round the ears or hair that’s curling at all is for girls’. That’s equally ridiculous.

Maybe the mum needs to look at her regressive ideas and the message they might send in future? This week I saw a mum in the supermarket snapping at her son when he pointed to a pink character Easter egg and said that was the one he wanted for Easter. She told him it was “for girls”. When he said “but I like it”, she took his hand and pulled him away.

Pretty much all attitudes like that stem from homophobia IMO. Poor little boy.

Oh my GOD. Read the fucking thread!

Good, engage your brain before your words. An example of typical mumsnetter

The issues here as I see them are that firstly the foster carer should be listening to and working with Mum. So if Mum says no tights, then it's no tights. Secondly the concern is that the little boy is uncomfortable and hot, again FC should take this on board in order to provide the best care for little boy.
I did put tights on my son when he was a baby during very cold spells though not at age four. However what I did with my son is irrelevant as I am not the parent of this little boy.
And can we stop stigmatising the mum for not having her son with her full time, none of us know her circumstances.

I don't agree with mum's or SW's reasoning and don't think there's anything wrong with tights, but the foster carer should follow parent's wishes where appropriate. Foster care isn't a punishment for parents.

He's not in the wind, though. Yes, babies pull off socks but he's not a baby.

Would you really encourage thick leggings under trousers even if making the DC uncomfortable? And he's not wearing loose trousers anyway.

I didn't say anything about the tights being 'gendered' to me. Only that the SW thinks he should be dressed the same as the other little boys and that mum worried about other DC noticing.

Wow, that’s nasty. Op has already stated that his mother has cancer.

And the mother surely would have preferred to be his main carer. And to be cancer free!

If she puts him in them then It’ll be because it’s colder at her house/nursery than at his mother’s house.

So take them off when he’s visiting home.

It will make no difference to him or the other kids at nursery. It’s nonsense to say it’s undignified. Foster carers do need to be able to get on with the job, and they need some autonomy to do that. Many look after several kids at a once and need to be able to get them dressed and out quickly.

The most useful thing you could do is discourage the mother from making a big deal of this

This is what my guess is the issue. I've known people like that trying to put fleece, coat, hat, gloves, scarf on a DC when all the other DC had only the coat which had been abandoned too.

I used to put tights on DS1 when he was little because the bugger used to pull his socks off and end up with feet like ice blocks.

Another person who is projecting their own views and judgements rather than reading the OPs concerns.

it’s because he’s too hot!

Regardless of all the issues as to why the child is in care, the carer should be working with the family and SW and mum either retains or shares PR depending on legal arrangements. If carer is ignoring a seemingly reasonable request there are options to resolve this: the carer will have her own SW, child’s SW can involve her if she hasn’t already done so. Or, child will have an IRO (independent reviewing officer), mum can approach IRO and ask them to intervene- there will be an informal and formal dispute process to address such issues and/or discuss at child’s review. Or there will be a complaints process that can be used. Obviously better to try and resolve without a formal complaint if possible but can be escalated as required. Note: obv I don t know all circumstances but this is professional advice I would offer to any parent with a child in care.

Thank you, that's kind. That's not an issue as far as I know but it is useful to know so we can check.

What a ridiculous comment. Where do you live where the kids are such models of appropriate dress then?

Next, read the part where op says mother has cancer.

Do you think she had choice in this matter?

God there are some awful people on here

Is he trying to get to his nappy maybe? Clothing can be used to discourage smearing etc.

You say your sister is unwell and receiving treatment and that’s the reason why your nephew is in foster care. If you’re that bothered about the level of care he’s receiving why aren’t you or another family member stepping up and looking after him?

don’t go after a selfless person who fosters other peoples children because of an item of clothing she puts them in.

I'm not sure what you mean?

My now adult DSes regularly wore tights until school age. If they hadn't wanted to they wouldn't have long before they were 4.I , too, find it odd to hear that they are teased for it at nursery age. DC wear and style themselves in all sorts of ways that aren't conventional

apologies if someone already said it but it culturally quite normal for young boys to wear tights in central and Eastern Europe and also in Scandinavia I think.