To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

if he’s sen the tights could be causing a sensory issues as well. My eldest has sensory issues and would rather be a bit cold than were something like tights next to the skin. To keep a child like this warm you can use a fleece lined puddle suit if they’re walking or a blanket in the pushchair

To posters saying other children won’t notice, at 4 there are definitely children who will notice differences and point them out.

The foster mother should be taking notice of the social worker

@TotoroElla when you said he kept taking his socks off, I wondered if he was SEN.

Bless him. The FM needs to listen to the SW and his mum. A child overheating is a risk esp when they can't express they're too hot.

It's not about male/female - I never put my DS into tights cos I didnt think to cos you can buy weather appropriate clothes - it's about his wellbeing, so when conversations happen, be clearer that it's his wellbeing not a boy/girl thing and if she still doesn't stop it, ask for a justification.

Do you mean leggings? I put my son in leggings, they're much more comfy and flexible than boys pants. They're also warmer and cheaper.

Did you choose to ignore the part where mum is unwell and the child has SEND?

Foster care isn't a punishment. It's a supportive system for home away from home when families can't care for their child.

OP I think you need to move from the culturally girls bit. The mum and SW who know child best have said to stop. The FC should stop.

FC needs to respect parental wishes (barring parents actually requesting something unsafe or whatever).

Personally I have no issues with boys wearing tights in whatever context but it does seem an odd choice in the mild weather we’ve been having to layer him up.

it’s common to do this for boys under trousers. They must be worried it’s cold. I’d go for he felt too hot inside rather than focussing on the tights. Is his nursery cold inside with a door to outside always opening and closing or does he spend much of the day outside?

Four year olds don’t make fun of each other for what they are wearing. If the nursery staff think he’s too hot they will remove them like they would a jumper.

There is obviously something else going on here, do you think he’s going to turn into a girl by wearing them?

This is horrible and judgemental and the reason why FC is still seen as shameful. Attitudes like this put people off seeking help.
Good for you OP, if you've never been homeless, never had MH issues, been trying to escape abuse or been so physically unwell that you couldn't look after yourself let alone your child.

Sorry, quoted the wrong poster there, meant to quote the awful judgemental post.

If a four-year-old is not used to wearing tights, then it could be quite distressing for him, not only to be in foster care, but to have to start wearing tights. That would be my main concern.

That sounds very hot and uncomfortable! Poor kid. Some people insist on bundling kids up in several layers all Autumn and Winter regardless of the actual temperature. My kids are often in shorts on days in early October when the temperature is hitting 20 degrees and we see kids in bobble hats and scarfs - the parents aren't dressed like that!

That's an awful thing to say. Imagine being a single mum, with no family, getting a debilitating but hopefully temporary illness, and knowing that you are unable to care for your child or children. Imagine during the Covid pandemic, being hosptialised and not having any family willing to take on your children. Don't judge.

My god, people are massively failing to see the point here.

Tights under trousers for a 4 year old who is indoors is completely unnecessary and must be making him really uncomfortable.

In terms of what you can do OP, I guess firstly speak to the nursery manager and ask them to ensure LO is appropriately dressed when he is with them and that they should ensure he isn’t hot or distressed and give express permission to remove tights. Nurseries are kept so warm that I cannot imagine having two layers on then a top / jumper too. It’s red hot in our nursery, the staff walk about it T-shirts in the middle of January!!!

secondly, make a formal complaint to the SW and ask for them to have a formal conversation with the FC. I realise the SW has mentioned it before but perhaps FC hasn’t really taken it on board and it might be what she’s done for other children. She may need to be told in a more formal direct way.

Hope your friend recovers and is reunited with her little boy soon. It must be very hard for her.

Also, if I tried to put “girl” tights on my 4 year old he’d scream absolute bloody murder. Of course preschool kids realise the basics of gender norms - not saying it’s right but that is a fact of life. They’re 4 not babes in arms.

WTAF. 🙄

You have no idea about the circumstances surrounding why this child is in foster care. Not every child is placed in foster care because of poor parenting. Stop leaving hurtful comments about a family that are clearly in a vulnerable situation.

I used to put tights on my little boy as he could never keep his bloody socks on 🤣 don’t see an issue!

She needs to say she’s noticed he’s too hot and he feels the warm so no need for them.

saying it’s a girls item will make her look thick.

I think you're right, they wouldn't know. It was just a worry of his mum.

It looks as though she's putting the tights on, to keep his nappy in place, and stop it leaking.
If that's the case, maybe he could just wear leggings, instead of tights and trousers.
My DS has leggings with shorts attached. They're from H&M, and are designed to look 'sporty'.

If her parenting is so poor that her child is in foster care, then I think that him wearing tights is the least of her worries.
Maybe she should start examining her own actions rather thsn those of the person eho is keeping him safe.

This is one of the most vile posts I have ever read on MN.

Disgusting.

How can him wearing tights be seen as not protecting his dignity?
Recently my nearly 4 year old came home from nursery wearing pink tights because he didn't have any socks left. He didn't care, I didn't care, the other kids didn't care. My son is autistic and non verbal but believe me he'd find a way to let the staff know if he didn't want to wear them.
I'm not sure why a SW would be against it either.
10 degrees is cold, especially if he's playing outside at nursery. If this is your biggest concern then seems like you're just nit picking and looking for something to moan about instead of being glad that someone is caring for him while mum can't.

I’d be questioning why the FC is buying him tights in the first place, surely his mum has provided enough clothes and you or she can buy more if they’re needed?

Of course it’s not usual for boys in the UK to wear tights, it doesn’t matter what people in other countries do, I’ve never seen tights for sale in the boys departments in any shops here. Yes some people may decide to put them on their own sons for whatever reason, but that is their own child who they can make that decision for and isn’t upsetting anyone else. If he’s cold then she should be putting thicker trousers on him, but in this country kids don’t need more than one layer of clothing unless it’s freezing weather or they’re outside in the wet in which case you can buy waterproof over trousers.

And if the mum has asked her to stop then she should stop. It’s not an unreasonable request the same as if she said please don’t dress him in character clothes, perhaps the FC thinks it’s a bonkers request but it wouldn’t take much effort to just do it to respect the mums wishes.

I believe they take them off at nursery, then put them back on at home time. But the FC mainly picks him up from nursery.

I absolutely hate seeing overdressed kids and babies. Makes me feel ill thinking how uncomfortable they must be. And it’s so dangerous for babies. Some people are so panicky about kids being cold, no idea why.