To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

I don't know where she is from but this could be the reason. He does not have a physical disability so is moving lots. I believe that is what nursery do. He wears vests that hold the nappy in place.

Unfortunately, having these concerns doesn't magic up extra room in my house or stop me already having 2 SEN DC.

You absolutely can and should expect FCers to work within the legal framework of their role.

That is to fulfil the needs of the child (which she is failing to do by making him hot, uncomfortable and itchy- and by ignoring his expressing he doesn’t want them on),

To listen to the wishes of the mother unless it’s a safeguarding concern- She is failing to do this. The FC doesn’t have PR, the mum does.

To be guided by the and take instruction from the SW’s involved- she is failing to do this.

The FC is being paid thousands of pounds by the state to do a job- she is obliged legally and morally to do this within the guidelines.

My son would take his sock and shoes off almost every time he wa in the buggy even in the coldest weather so he wore tights for a year and when he started walking he went back into socks and shoes

Thank you and yep we hate tights here too so he may well be experiencing this too.

It must be terribly hard on your sister, but this illustrates the point really.

The FC presumably has a few kids to look after. You have to assume she’s doing her best. If she thinks he’s chilly and needs tights then when he is in her care it is her call. It’s not for the SW to get involved in basic care, and her comment that it’s undignified is silly.

I can imagine you are also distressed OP, but the best thing you can do for everyone, including your sister and nephew is defuse the situation. It is simply not a big deal.

It's why weighted blankets are so popular with those who are autistic.

Thank you so much

This in bucketfuls! The best FCs I have worked with managed to foster a family of 4 siblings who had had what can only be described as a feral start in life, nurtured them in such a positive way that all 4 siblings as adults still choose to live with / nearby the FCs and consider them their parents. On the other hand, I have had to attend safeguarding CP conferences where the FC decided to employ what can only be considered to be abusive punishments when the child ‘misbehaved’, including making them stand in the corner facing the wall for hours, depriving them of meals if they didn’t eat their previous meal and so on.

Because the little boy is distressed by it.

I really don't understand how someone who has cancer can have the headspace to think about non-matching clothes.

No, he doesn't take his socks off anymore and it's not freezing. I would hope this wouldn't continue until summer (over 3 months away) with him getting increasingly hot and bothered.

You don't have to understand it. If that is what the mum wants to think about then it really does not matter. We are talking about a woman who has had their world turned upside down. Her child living with strangers and the possibility that she may not recover. If her child wearing what she wants him to wear and what will make him comfortabale then the bloody foster carer should be making taht happen. It really isn't hard.

The FC takes him to nursery by car. During the morning session they do have playtime outside but I think it is only 20-30minutes.

I feel sad reading about how he could be suffering with the tights. I did just think he was hot and that was causing discomfort but I actually didn't think he could experience what my DD and I do with tights - we hate them. I'm going to put something in writing to the SW about it.

Realistically tights on boys is really odd at 4 in most places. If he has sensory needs and needs something next to his skin OTs usually recommend skins like they wear at football. I can't work out why she would do this, if he is a nappy remover at 4 then drawstring jeans or drawstring joggers usually prevent this.

I would be contacting his IRO directly to advocate for him. I would also suggest mum complain to the foster carers supervising social worker.

To be fair I have answered this multiple times.

You've missed the post where the OP explains why she can't look after her nephew. There may be no other relatives around.

When I was caring for my parents and then my late husband, I had no family members able to give me a break since I'm an only child and I have no children of my own. When I had an operation, my mother had to go into respite care because I was physically unable to look after her, my father was dead by then and my husband was a stroke victim.

I am a foster carer and I think the fc in this instance needs to respect the parents wishes as much as possible.

most parents will complain about clothing and hair styles when their children are living with a foster carer. This is a natural response to losing their child and their rights (even though they may not have lost parental rights it’s a minefield for everyone).

even if I believed the child should wear tights (maybe a cultural thing going on here) I would not dress a child in a way that causes unhappiness to the parent. Being friendly, respectful and kind is always the way I try to go.

I have had instances where I can’t dress the child as the parents insist and this has caused a lot of distress and distrust all around. It is so important that the carer understands and empathises with the parent as much as possible. I try to have a collaborative approach wherever possible. This is also what the child needs. They need to feel that mum is still very much there and cares and is involved. Otherwise they suffer more as in an acrimonious environment.

Yes. The OP is worried about her sister's cancer. Maybe read more of the thread. She's made it clear that her sister is concerned for her child's comfort.

Playing devil's advocate here, but does the FC have other children of her own who will use these tights later on.

Sorry to hear about your family's troubles. Hope everyone makes good progress and things will get better soon.

Exactly not freezing cold here. Poor kids never get snow! 🥶😀

Thank you, yes, this is a clear message.

I really don’t understand why you felt it necessary to make such an inane, inaccurate and inappropriate comment.

If the parent and SW have asked the Foster carer to stop then they stop.

And I have definitely taken that from this thread instead of asking her not to do it we first need to find out why she is!

I think this a positive way of moving forward. Also to note that alongside all the knowing of his Mum, and you, and the nursery, that the only person who knows what it is to care for the boy right now, away from home, in these exceptional circumstances, is his foster carer. That is also its own unique thing, worthy of respect. You're all having different experiences with him, and you all have different things to contribute. Together you make a team. Absolutely, safeguard, but do allow for diversity.

We’ve always done it to stop them pulling socks off