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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:05

VampireWeekday · 24/02/2024 09:58

I would really really resist the narrative that female coded clothes are "undignified". Just because something is traditionally worn by women doesn't make it lesser. My 4 year old boy wears tights under trousers when it's cold, we call them thermals or leggings. There isn't anything undignified about it.

That said, if he's too warm he shouldn't be in them.

I think there isn't enough information to go on here. You need to find out why your family member is doing this, or it's all just speculation.

It's nothing to do with female clothes being inherently 'undignified' or lesser. It is about a little boy.

And I don't follow your point about speculation, tbh. Yes, there has been some speculation but there has been mainly facts.

OP posts:
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 24/02/2024 12:06

@SENDhelp2023 well done you, what an excellent suggestion! Why ever did nobody else think of that?? 🙄

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:07

Saltandpeppero · 24/02/2024 09:59

Exactly, the social worker has asked the FC to stop as well so they really should. No excuse for unnecessarily upsetting the bio parents.

OP, i used to work in social services and the only thing I’d advise them to do is go back to the supervising social worker about this. It may not be the end of the world in itself, but if it’s indicative of a wider pattern it suggests the FC is a bit into pushing boundaries and overstepping.

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Unfortunately, she often over steps but his mum tries to ignore it to keep the peace. It does upset her, though.

OP posts:
Lucytheloose · 24/02/2024 12:07

You seem very over-invested in what someone else's child wears. And no, it won't turn him gay.

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 12:07

Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 12:00

Let's hope and pray his mother gets the all clear after she finishes chemo. I do hope the FC isn't a narcissist.

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Raise your concerns with the social worker OP and let them deal with it. If things don’t change then raise your concerns again. In writing.

Manopadmanaban · 24/02/2024 12:07

Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 10:17

Exactly!

WTF is wrong with people?!

Utter compassion and empathy bypass, as well as a metric fuck ton of ignorance and lack of common sense.

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Lack of comprehension skills as well by the look of it.

TheOriginalEmu · 24/02/2024 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The mother is UNWELL. Not all kids are in foster care because their parents are deadbeats. Most in fact are not.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:08

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:01

Honestly if anyone thinks a four year old needs to conform to a stereotype of boy and girl they have serious issues they need to address. There is nothing wrong with a boy wearing tights ffs.

You've missed the point.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 24/02/2024 12:10

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 08:54

Given the wee boy is in foster care I'd say you all have more serious things to worry about than policing gender normative clothing. FFS.

the mothers parental rights are very much the point and the foster carer is very much overstepping her boundaries.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:12

amylou8 · 24/02/2024 10:02

With the threshold for taking a child into care being so high, I think mums energy would be best spent dealing with whatever resulted in this happening. Nit picking the FC just sounds like a deflection for her, in what I'm sure is a very upsetting and stressful time.

She's having treatment for the cancer what more do you want her to do?? I think she would consider ensuring her DS is ok a good use of her very limited energy.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 24/02/2024 12:12

TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 01:09

We did wonder if speaking to the FC's SW would help?

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Yes. I would. Your concerns are valid.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:14

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:02

Not to mention he's in foster care, so maybe the mother should be concerned about that rather than the poor foster parent who's obviously doing her best trying to look after her child!

She is concerned about him being in FC! Why wouldn't she be? So she shouldn't advocate for her vulnerable DS because the 'poor' FC is doing her best. So ok for DS to suffer? I honestly can't believe some people think like that!

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 24/02/2024 12:15

@TotoroElla

That's really strange then if she is British. I've honestly never seen a boy - even a baby one - wearing tights. People are getting really worked up about the fact you don't want him in girls clothes. However I have also never seen a girl in tights under trousers. It's usually tights with a dress or skirt or maybe some denim shorts.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:16

BimBimBaloo · 24/02/2024 10:03

Then 100% push for the Supervising social worker to take this up with the foster carer.

I'd there a reason why the child is with a foster carer and not with a kinship/ family and friends carer?

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Because there is no kinship carer available.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:17

TooOldForThisNonsense · 24/02/2024 10:03

Why is the FC ignoring the instruction from SW? That’s the biggest issue surely

I really don't know.

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 24/02/2024 12:19

wizzywig · 24/02/2024 11:28

Is there a reason why you can't look after him op?

there is. OP has ready explained…

and that truly isn’t the topic of this thread!

quitefranklyabsurd · 24/02/2024 12:20

The focus isnt the tights people!
its the fact that the foster career is going against the wishes of the parents. And no that is not ok.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:21

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:06

Perhaps the family needs to step up and look after the child if there are other issues as well. I've just seen the comments re the tights

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Read my posts then, FFS! I need to 'step-up' do I? Where exactly do I put this little boy? I have no spare room/space in other bedrooms for him. I also know it would be too much for me to care for 3 disabled DC and me being mentally well to look after my DC and to support this little boy and his mum is the most important thing.

OP posts:
snoopyfanaccountant · 24/02/2024 12:22

Too many people here are refusing to acknowledge that the child here is non-verbal so can't explain how he is feeling. The tights are causing him to become too hot which is distressing him. His mum must be carrying enough guilt that through no fault of hers she is unable to look after him at the moment without being accused of having taken away from her.

This really is a big issue for this family.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:23

Shamalar · 24/02/2024 10:08

Honestly, I don’t believe the boy is as hot and uncomfortable as OP claims. She started off by saying that boys don’t wear tights and even the SW says it’s undignified, but after posters said otherwise, she started to focus on his comfort and his discomfort has gotten worse as the thread has progressed.

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I didn't say that atall.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 12:26

SENDhelp2023 · 24/02/2024 12:03

Why don’t you look after him if mum is ill? No problem then

WHy don't you read the OPs posts and you will see why that is not possible?

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 24/02/2024 12:26

TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:21

Read my posts then, FFS! I need to 'step-up' do I? Where exactly do I put this little boy? I have no spare room/space in other bedrooms for him. I also know it would be too much for me to care for 3 disabled DC and me being mentally well to look after my DC and to support this little boy and his mum is the most important thing.

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It's obviously impossible for you to look after this child. Nobody has any business telling you that you should do so. But someone needs to, and you can't expect to micromanage how that person does it.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:27

Shamalar · 24/02/2024 10:08

Honestly, I don’t believe the boy is as hot and uncomfortable as OP claims. She started off by saying that boys don’t wear tights and even the SW says it’s undignified, but after posters said otherwise, she started to focus on his comfort and his discomfort has gotten worse as the thread has progressed.

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And you don't believe he's hot at 10c?! I have an under-active thyroid and I'd be way too hot and uncomfortable in tights and trousers. Then take a little boy - would be even more uncomfortable for them. Then one that runs hot...

It's clear why he is hot but you just want to focus on your ideas about tights for boys....

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 12:28

Lucytheloose · 24/02/2024 12:07

You seem very over-invested in what someone else's child wears. And no, it won't turn him gay.

Read the OP and stop being a dick. 18 pages in and a comment like this just makes you look incredibly stupid.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:29

MumTeacherofMany · 24/02/2024 10:08

If he's wearing them under trousers like you said what 3 year olds are laughing at them lol? Honestly? I agree it is unnecessary though, it's fairly mild for February

I've not said any 3 yos are laughing at him. I specifically said I didn't think it would happen.

OP posts: