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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:38

Octavia64 · 24/02/2024 09:25

10 degrees is quite cold if you are out in it for a while.

I'm disabled and I use a wheelchair.
I get pretty cold when out and about as I'm essentially being pushed and not moving much.

I have a lot of thermal layers.

Can you clarify when you have seen the child hot and bothered by the layers?

You've said that he comes to nursery in tights and trousers and then nursery take them off while he is there and put them back in at home time.

So presumably the FC is putting them on him for the buggy ride to nursery?

And you say that you or the mum pick up and take them off at the end of the day?

Of course in a wheelchair you would get very cold. But if walking it really isn't cold. I wear a body warmer only now as would get too hot in a jacket with sleeves.

I have seen him hot and bothered every time he has been wearing them. But it was the worst this week. He goes in a car to nursery. We take the tights off and replace with socks when with us so he is comfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:40

Blueey · 24/02/2024 09:26

The foster carer will have their own supervising social worker. If asking the FC directly hasn't changed anything, the child's social worker needs to go to the FC's supervising social and explain the problem and ask them to raise it.

When is his next LAC review?

I believe the LAC review only happens after 6 months? Hopefully he will be home by then.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 24/02/2024 11:42

Ruffpuff · 23/02/2024 23:03

Probably the idea is to keep him warm in winter. How do they know he’s getting hot?

This ^

and it keeps him from losing socks in the buggy and feet getting cold. Culturally why are tights a female item of clothing? Many men wore tights through history, baby boys wore pink until 1940s as it was there colour, many boys wore dresses as babies

tights in winter are very sensible and a practical item of clothing for a toddler boy or girl

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:44

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 24/02/2024 11:14

It's a complete non issue for me. Why is it upsetting?

Maybe read the OPs posts and you will find out.

Spinet · 24/02/2024 11:45

Are you/she worried that this is indicative of a lack of care and respect generally? I would understand if you thought that. If it is literally just the tights you need to let it go - there are a lot of other things at play and while the FC should be prioritising the relationship between you all for the sake of the child you all should be too. I'm not suggesting anything about this is easy but a disagreement about tights is not worth dissolving the relationship over.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:45

minipie · 24/02/2024 09:27

I do wonder if it’s something to do with containing or hiding the nappy. 4 year olds are way more likely to say something about another 4 year old wearing a nappy than wearing tights.

I think all you can do is reiterate that he is too hot in the tights, you can tell this by xyz (blotchy face etc). Mum could maybe provide cycling shorts to go over the nappy if that is the issue? Weather is getting warmer so hopefully this will be a temporary issue anyway as nobody is going to put kids in a double bottom layer once it’s March.

I would drop the “girl’s clothes” point personally as that is a matter of opinion.

It's never been a problem up til now. He wears a vest. I'm sure there are other DC there still in pull ups. I don't think he needs to wear cycling shorts. Let's hope this doesn't continue into March, although the weather won't massively warm up in a week.

I agree about just focussing on the temperature as I think I didn't realise the other point would be so misunderstood but it was useful to learn that!

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:47

wizzywig · 24/02/2024 11:28

Is there a reason why you can't look after him op?

Read the OPs posts and you will find out. She shouldn't have to keep explaining herself. Mumsnet gives you the function to read the OP posts so use it if you are that interested.

Goalandgate · 24/02/2024 11:48

Hello, Sorry to hear your friend is unwell & her son has had to go into Foster Care, this must be such an awful time for her. I think the key here is to find out why she is putting tights on him. If it is to hold his nappy secure she could instead put some cycle shorts under his jogging bottoms, if its because she thinks he is cold she could put the tights in his nursery bag incase he needs them & the staff could put them on. It sounds like everyone has his best interests at heart & just need to work together. I'm not a Foster carer however I have looked after unwell children in hospital where the parents were unable to visit for any reason, and I always checked with the parents what they would like the babies to wear that day etc. I think it's nice to give a bit of control and decision making to the parents & let them be involved.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:49

rainbowstardrops · 24/02/2024 09:33

I'd be wondering if it's something to do with his nappy but if that is the case, I'm not sure why FC can't just explain that. To be honest, if his mum has asked her not to then she should respect that.
Also, you said that nursery take the tights off and then put them back on him for pick up time but that doesn't make sense either! Why wouldn't nursery tell FC that they'd taken them off because he gets too hot and uncomfortable and he doesn't need them?And do this every time!

I don't know exactly what nursery do or that they've not told her that. After all she has ignored mum and the SW so not sure she'd listen to nursery.

OP posts:
Whatdoido1987 · 24/02/2024 11:50

Is BM perhaps picking at small things because she's lost control over her own child? I think this is a lot of upset over a 4 year old wearing an extra layer. It's obviously an upsetting situation and it was be hard having somebody else calling the shots but hopefully when she's well DC will be back home ASAP x

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:50

MamaDollyorJesus · 24/02/2024 09:34

My DS often wore tights his sisters hand me downs under his joggers if it was cold. My brothers (ages 41-47) wore tights under their trousers if it was cold when we were young & DGS wears them if it's cold so it's been common for a long long time in our as working class as it gets (old mining village) area.

It's currently 2° where I am so I'd be putting tights on DS if we were planning to go anywhere - except he's 16 now so not a chance in Hell I'd get tights on him these days.

Show quote history

Made me laugh 😂 I think that's the difference - it's not usual here as not cold enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:52

Onlinetherapist · 24/02/2024 09:39

@TotoroElla look at the bigger picture here..

What's that then?

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:52

@TotoroElla I am so sorry that you seem to have attracted the mumsnet bitches to your thread. They are so keen to jump on with their judgy, nasty responses that they don't bother to read past the first paragraph. They just end up making themselves look stupid though.

I really hope your sister makes a full recovery and her little boy can be back home where he belongs as soon as possible.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:53

Northernnight · 24/02/2024 09:42

Tights under trousers is so uncomfortable and restrictive. In 10°C what on earth is she thinking.

This thread seems to have become derailed by the “I love boys in tights” crew which isn’t the issue

The issue is that the boy is hot and uncomfortable due the the FC choices, and the mother who is going through a difficult time already is upset that her boy is uncomfortable and hot.

PP, it doesn’t matter that you dress your boys in tights (crack on) it doesn’t matter that this is commonplace in freezing temperatures, it matters that this is something that the mother wouldn’t do in mild weather, and that the FC is going against the mothers wishes, UNNECESSARILY

Spot on

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:56

GanninHyem · 24/02/2024 09:48

Does mum have Comms with nursery? It seems very strange you're both aware he is hot all day or they take his tights off but they're not communicating this with the FC?

I've not said they're not communicating with the FC. But if she doesn't listen to the DC's own mum and his SW, why would she listen to nursery?

OP posts:
JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 11:56

Pick your battles.

He is safe and well cared for.

Thank goodness for foster carers who are often handling difficult and complex situations. Be grateful for them.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 24/02/2024 11:56

No this is about a mother losing control of everything because she's unlucky enough to be ill and have zero back up! (No offence intended OP) Honestly this thread is making my blood boil.

I cannot imagine the absolute hell of being ill and frightened and having to hand over my non verbal child to a stranger who won't listen. His mother isn't abusive, she's not controlling, she hasn't had him taken away she's asked for help because she had ZERO choice. What other people did with their children was their choice, why isn't she still allowed to have her choices listened to just because she's unwell.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 11:57

Whatdoido1987 · 24/02/2024 11:50

Is BM perhaps picking at small things because she's lost control over her own child? I think this is a lot of upset over a 4 year old wearing an extra layer. It's obviously an upsetting situation and it was be hard having somebody else calling the shots but hopefully when she's well DC will be back home ASAP x

Press see all you can read all the ops posts and then post. It's a quick way of understanding fully the situation and doesn't make you look judgemental.

Judgement should not be given in these circumstances. The mother has cancer so she is unwell to look after him. Chemo takes a lot out of the person it weakens them.

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 11:58

@TathingScinsel It's fascinating! I'm in my 50's, when we mostly just muddled through, without assessment or diagnosis, but especially without signposting to resources. I'm used to 'just being wired a bit differently' and leaving it at that. I forget there's a whole world opening up which may be relevant to parts of me which I've seen as oddities. Home🏕️.

(I like the gentle natural stretch of pure knitted merino, all over, all the time. Even in summer, for one glorious year when I was able to spend a small fortune on gossamer light merino-silk. Absolutely no lycra or artificial stretch. Nor denim, ever. It's all very specific :D

Hard to remember the detail of how it felt as a child, becoming aware that some things made me feel good and others bad, gravitating towards the good things, trying to avoid the bad things, navigating how to express that, and it slowly crystallising into a definite accepted preference.

Sometimes I wish we could hold on to the steps of our childhood awareness forming so as to better understand as parents and carers.

PurpleBugz · 24/02/2024 11:59

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 11:56

Pick your battles.

He is safe and well cared for.

Thank goodness for foster carers who are often handling difficult and complex situations. Be grateful for them.

He's not well cared for though. He's a non verbal child being dressed in clothing that he finds uncomfortable/distressing. If he's got sensory issues which is highly comorbid with being non verbal this could feel like torture for him. Clothing is a massive issue for many SEND kids.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 12:00

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 11:56

Pick your battles.

He is safe and well cared for.

Thank goodness for foster carers who are often handling difficult and complex situations. Be grateful for them.

Let's hope and pray his mother gets the all clear after she finishes chemo. I do hope the FC isn't a narcissist.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:00

Shamalar · 24/02/2024 09:53

Are you seriously criticising another poster for buying “boys tights” when your issue is that they are for girls?!

SMH.

Show quote history

My issue is not 'they are for girls'. However said poster was very sure that tights were not only for girls but buys special 'boy tights' which just seems a contradiction to me.

OP posts:
Manopadmanaban · 24/02/2024 12:00

lovelysoap · 24/02/2024 10:08

I think mum is focusing on the tights issue to avoid the real issue. Children are only taken into foster care as a very last resort. There is a huge lack of foster care spaces and they only go to the children most at risk of immediate serious harm and when there are no other suitable family members who are even able to care for the child on a temporary basis. Things generally need to be rock bottom for a child to be in foster care and not even dad or any of dads extended family or friends can care for the child. Parental responsibility now lies with the local authority as Mum and dad and no friends or relatives can keep this child safe.

i think that it is understandable that the family will focus on a small issue about the foster carer which is easier than facing up tot he very difficult reality that they cant keep a child safe despite social workers trying to work with them to keep the child safe for a long time.

The focus needs to be the needs of the child and getting home into a proper place where he can be safe and his needs can be attended to not some red herring like tights.

My advice would be to face up to and try and engage and work with the FC and SW on the real issues that prevent this child living and thriving with his birth family.

Do people have comprehension issues on mumsnet? English lessons must have been bad at school!

SENDhelp2023 · 24/02/2024 12:03

Why don’t you look after him if mum is ill? No problem then

Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 12:04

SENDhelp2023 · 24/02/2024 12:03

Why don’t you look after him if mum is ill? No problem then

How?