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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
ilovesushi · 24/02/2024 11:07

Op, so sorry to hear about your situation. Sending good wishes to you and your family. xxx

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:12

N27 · 24/02/2024 09:11

I think you’re confusing matters.

unecessary items because it’s hot - fine. You may have a point.

going on about being dignified, being picked on, mum doesn’t like it etc is all ridiculous. They are all issues you are creating/imagining. It’s not undignified it’s a piece of clothing for gods sake. And there has been absolutely no mention of any other 4 year olds noticing let alone commenting, so the argument of him being picked on is entirely in your head.

it’s a difference in opinion, but ultimately he’s not being harmed and the foster carer os being paid to look after the child in the way she thinks best.

Only may have a point about him being uncomfortable? In what scenario is it fine for him to be uncomfortable?

Being undignified - came from the specialist SW - not something I have created or imagined
Mum doesn't like it - also not something I have created or imagined and as she has parental responsibility it is her choice to say she doesn't want him to wear tights. It is really that simple.
Being picked on - I have said I told mum that wouldn't happen so again not creating or imagining that.

The FC is being paid to care for the DC but his mum retains parental responsibility. And I do believe him being uncomfortable and miserable is harmful.

OP posts:
Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 11:12

SanctusInDistress · 24/02/2024 10:51

I put tights on my son when he was little and cold outside, and he was warm and cosy. I don’t think anybody else even noticed. He’s 15 now and has not been scarred by it.

Right, but was he hot, blotchy itchy and distressed?

Were you his foster carer who continued to make him uncomfortable like this when his mother, nursery and SW had told you to stop?

No? Then it’s not relevant is it.

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 24/02/2024 11:14

It's a complete non issue for me. Why is it upsetting?

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:14

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 09:03

It doesn't matter why he's in foster care, what matters is that he is, that's he's away from his family. Maybe he likes wearing tights, maybe they help him feel snug and secure and protected, like swaddling for a baby, or a blankie. Maybe that's what the carer has picked up on.

My point is focus on the important stuff, not stereotypical boys and girls clothing.

Show quote history

Read the OPs posts. He dosen't like them. He is too hot with them on to the point he is crying and his skin is red and blotchy with the heat,

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:15

WimbyAce · 24/02/2024 09:16

Regardless of boy or girl there is no need for tights under trousers in the current weather, perhaps if it was freezing then a good idea as an extra layer. Has foster carer said why they are doing it?

No, they haven't. I think she needs to be asked directly why she is doing it to get to the bottom of it.

OP posts:
Northernnight · 24/02/2024 11:15

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 24/02/2024 11:14

It's a complete non issue for me. Why is it upsetting?

Perhaps read the full thread or even just the OP posts and you will see the issue.

HMW1906 · 24/02/2024 11:18

Is he prone to taking his socks off? I’ve put my baby/younger toddler boy in tights under his trousers when it’s cold as he doesn’t keep his socks on, it’s either that or his has very cold feet. I’ve also put my boys tights on under trousers when it’s freezing outside, joggers aren’t all that warm so a. Extra layer helps.

The FC putting the child in tights wouldn’t be my hill to die on though, let it go, it’s nearly summer anyway so it won’t be an issue anymore.

TathingScinsel · 24/02/2024 11:19

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 11:06

@TathingScinsel 😍That website! 'compression and hug sensation'
There's official terminology for something I've always searched out but struggled to describe aloud to others without sounding batshit.

Yes! Some ND people love a tight hugging sensation and others cannot cope with it at all! Some people like it on a top half (eg sports bra) and hate it on a lower half (tights) and vice versa and some people are ok with it on Monday and feel like it’s gonna suffocate them on Tuesday.

There are lots of resources online re: clothing and sensory processing sensitivities but unfortunately the historical bias of only boys being diagnosed early and tights being an item of clothing usually worn by girls means that official literature relating directly to tights is a bit lacking. Lots of discussion on forums though (both mums of daughter and adult autistic women) and lots of official generalised info re: things like tight waist bands and toe seams.

Hopefully the FC will see sense if someone can explain that tights on a sensory sensitive person can feel like torture.
Occupational Therapists who specifically work with autistic people are absolutely brilliant on this stuff and while wait lists are long, the little chap in the OP will almost definitely benefit from OT involvement, if he doesn’t already have it.

if he does have an OT, get them to write a letter to social services re: clothing and sensory overload (which can seem like overheating, whilst being a slightly different physiologically mechanism).

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:20

Iwasafool · 24/02/2024 09:18

It isn't freezing at the moment but it isn't so hot that he's going to be too warm outside. Maybe the FM thinks layers are better, two layers outside and then one layer can come off once he is inside. After all we don't insist kids just wear one layer on top, he's probably got a vest, jumper and jacket on when he's outside but on his legs just trousers?

I used to work in a police station, lots of officers would wear tights under their trousers, it was something openly discussed and no more of an issue for the men than it was for the women.

I'd definitely be too hot outside in tights and trousers in the daytime. He would have a blanket over his legs if in the buggy or if walking would be really warm anyway and the jacket would probably be off!

Also he's just going from house to car to house so not outside, anyway.

OP posts:
Miyagi99 · 24/02/2024 11:22

The undignified bit is a red herring, if he’s too hot he doesn’t need them. However I see nursery take them off then put them back on before sometime which makes a bit more sense. Does he sometimes walk to school? Are the children not outdoors at all? That doesn’t seem good if so, all children need fresh air.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:22

GinnyWizz · 24/02/2024 09:19

OP, I think you should all be concerned about the bigger picture, given this is a small child, in care. The tights don't matter. There are big things to be thinking about and to be concerned about. Not tights.

His mother shouldn't be concerned about him being comfortable and happy? Would you not see your child being comfortable and happy as important if God forbid they went into FC?

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:23

converseandjeans · 24/02/2024 09:20

It’s normal in most of Europe to put tights on boys

But we're in the UK and it's definitely not the norm here.

OP is the foster carer from a different culture where this is considered normal?

Not as far as I know.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:25

amylou8 · 24/02/2024 10:02

With the threshold for taking a child into care being so high, I think mums energy would be best spent dealing with whatever resulted in this happening. Nit picking the FC just sounds like a deflection for her, in what I'm sure is a very upsetting and stressful time.

Maybe your enegy would have been better spent reading the OPs posts to find out why the child is in Foster care before commenting.

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:26

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:03

Absolutely!

Show quote history

Read the OP posts before judging.

wizzywig · 24/02/2024 11:28

Is there a reason why you can't look after him op?

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:28

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:02

Not to mention he's in foster care, so maybe the mother should be concerned about that rather than the poor foster parent who's obviously doing her best trying to look after her child!

It is really simple tpo filter to read the OP posts. If you did that you may have half an idea what you are talking about.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:29

Shamalar · 24/02/2024 09:21

I don’t believe that tbh. If it was a case of the boy being too hot and uncomfortable, OP would have focused on that instead of the comments about it being girls clothes and the SW allegedly saying it’s undignified. The focus on it being too hot only developed after several posters said it’s a normal thing to do.

Show quote history

I said in my OP about it being too hot.

I also talked about the mum's concern about dignity (initiated by the SW.) I've not continued to discuss this element as it is clear most do not understand the SW's point. I'm a nurse and we have a similar focus on dignity so it was a understandable point for me.

But the point is whether anyone agrees about his dignity (and most don't) it still leaves the fact he is hot. It also still leaves the point the mother has parental responsibility not the FC. Most boys are not wearing tights either full stop or in this weather definitely. It is a reasonable request for his mum to say no tights and the FC should follow her instruction.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:29

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:06

Perhaps the family needs to step up and look after the child if there are other issues as well. I've just seen the comments re the tights

Show quote history

FFS stop! read the bloody OP posts or don't comment with your nasty responses. It has been explained several times why that can't happen.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:30

I did lead with the point about his dignity as I was interested to see what people would think as it may shed light on why she is doing this.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:31

BimBimBaloo · 24/02/2024 10:03

Then 100% push for the Supervising social worker to take this up with the foster carer.

I'd there a reason why the child is with a foster carer and not with a kinship/ family and friends carer?

Show quote history

Yes there is. If you had bothered to read some of the Op posts you would know what the reason was. She explained it early on.

Italiangreyhound · 24/02/2024 11:31

Parents dressing their own kids in tights, up to you.

A foster carer going against the wishes of a parent is not right.

I'm also guessing a lot of poster may live in very cold climates. Where we live it is rarely 'that' cold and kids are rarely required to dress dir freezing temperatures. I won't ask where the OP is but I am guessing it is not freezing cold there.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:33

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 09:24

When my life was turned upside down around the same age I loved having a soft cosy layer next to my skin, it felt safe and comforting. Even as an adult, I'm wired that way - the feel of things is important. Glad most of you weren't looking after me! Far too many adult preoccupations and judgements on this thread, plus a shit load of projections. So few prioritising a child-centred view.

I agree most aren't being child centric as just thinking the FC can do as they like without considering the effect on the DC.

OP posts:
Spanglemum75 · 24/02/2024 11:35

OP you are very patient. There some people on this thread who have NO CLUE about SEN/ALN and NO CLUE about foster care.

Can you say to her 'he gets too hot with tights under his trousers,,"?

rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:35

lovelysoap · 24/02/2024 10:08

I think mum is focusing on the tights issue to avoid the real issue. Children are only taken into foster care as a very last resort. There is a huge lack of foster care spaces and they only go to the children most at risk of immediate serious harm and when there are no other suitable family members who are even able to care for the child on a temporary basis. Things generally need to be rock bottom for a child to be in foster care and not even dad or any of dads extended family or friends can care for the child. Parental responsibility now lies with the local authority as Mum and dad and no friends or relatives can keep this child safe.

i think that it is understandable that the family will focus on a small issue about the foster carer which is easier than facing up tot he very difficult reality that they cant keep a child safe despite social workers trying to work with them to keep the child safe for a long time.

The focus needs to be the needs of the child and getting home into a proper place where he can be safe and his needs can be attended to not some red herring like tights.

My advice would be to face up to and try and engage and work with the FC and SW on the real issues that prevent this child living and thriving with his birth family.

My advice to you would be to read the OPs posts. If you had bothered to do that then maybe you wouldn't have wasted so much time typing that utter shite on her thread. Nasty, biggoted response to someone trying to do their best for her family.