To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

Sorry but I think its bizarre to put boys in tights (never seen a boy in tights at my childrens pre-schools). Pre-school always ask for clothes to be as practical as possible so ideally girls wouldn’t be in tights either. Practical clothes, they can take off quickly when running to the loo. So just jogging bottoms is ideal for boys or girls.

Its also not cold at all at the moment, kids are coming out of school in tshirts this week! Not exactly extreme cold weather.

Thank you for how you have expressed that! That is spot on. I don't believe any decent parent would not worry about their DC in these circumstances!

don’t go after a selfless person who fosters other peoples children because of an item of clothing she puts them in.

I wouldn’t assume someone is a good or selfless person because they are foster carers. In my experience there were some outstanding foster carers who made me tear up when I saw how amazing they were and what an Impact they made on the children, but there were also some who clearly done it purely for the money.

I also grew up with a girl who has recently received a significant amount of compensation for the abuse she suffered in two of her foster care placements.

Again to be clear there are great foster carers also but I can’t assume they’re all selfish lovely humans who put the children’s needs first.

My little boy was an extraordinarily long, slim child (his dad is 6’7”) so I used to dress him in tights or leggings for older girls with boy’s shorts over the top. It didn’t look ‘female coded’ because the tights were always thick grey or navy and the shorts were knee length or longer in cargo/combat style, plus woolly socks at the bottom made the tights less obviously tights-looking.
This was back in the 00s when leggings for males were largely limited to adult cycle couriers but I expect there is much more commercial availability now?

Regardless of me not agreeing that tights should be limited to girls only, if the mum is unhappy and the social worker agrees with the mum then the foster carer should stop.
It’s a bit different if you have full parental responsibility for the child than if you don’t.
It’s not cold enough in the UK right now to justify via the extra layer excuse and if it gets really cold then specialised cold weather gear exists (eg salopettes).

Having standards for foster carers isn't 'going after' them. If you think there should be any kind of sacred caste working around children, you need to take another safeguarding course.

I've already said multiple times - he does not like wearing them. They make him too hot. The majority of DC would be too hot in tights and joggers in this mild weather. This little boy runs hot so he is even more uncomfortable. Mum (who has looked after him for over 4 years) has 'picked up' on that.

Yes, I find it strange people think a SW wouldn't be talking about dignity. That's the first person I would think would be talking about it.

I put tights on my son when he was little and cold outside, and he was warm and cosy. I don’t think anybody else even noticed. He’s 15 now and has not been scarred by it.

Bloody hell I don't think I've ever read a nastier thread on here! Some of you posters should be utterly ashamed of yourselves.

I just can't imagine how hard this is for you all OP, I think in your shoes I'd be focusing on the too hot issues (I still remember how sweaty and itchy wooly tights are, especially behind the knees, and I only ever wore them with dresses) But I'd also try and appeal to the compassion of the FC. Mum has so much to worry about, and is going through so much that something as simple as no tights would make a massive difference to her. She's got so little control over what's happening to him, or herself, and this is such an easy fix that any decent human being would do it unless there was an essential reason not to such as smearing etc in which case I'd send him with thin leggings for underneath to at least stop the itchiness.

Sending love to you all. The way you've kept your cool on here with such unpleasantness is exemplary. I hope things improve very soon.

I clicked on the thread title all prepared to be outraged at gender-restrictive norms (as someone who regularly puts boys that age in tights if they’re cold), then read that the boy is in foster care AND HIS SOCIAL WORKER HAS ASKED THE FOSTER CARER TO STOP.

Because I’m not a massive bellend, I reassessed my pre-judgment of the situation at that point. Didn’t even need to find out that the reason he’s in foster care is that his mother has cancer.

Sorry about all the bellends on your post OP 💐

I Agree, that particular poster has form for ill thought out responses but this is a new low even for them.

Haven't read the full thread.

Tights are not 'undifnified' at any age for either sex.

Does he wear vests, as if still in nappies maybe the FC is using the tights to hold his nappy up?

If the child is too hot nursery should be saying something to the carer.

Hope mum gets better soon, must be so hard for her.

Lots of SEN girls hate tights too. I think they are a very love or hate item for people (especially children) with sensory sensitivity, not much middle ground.

It’s such an oft-observed phenomenon that specialist products exist eg: https://sensorysmart.co.uk/collections/seamless-tights-cotton?grid_list=grid-view

Joggers are often a very acceptable clothing choice for ASD children, plus they are cheap to buy and easy to wash - seems to me they are an obvious start point for the sensory sensitive, whereas tights are an obvious avoid-unless-compulsory for school uniform item!

Seems like the FC is making everyone miserable for no good practical reason at all.

Exactly! And yes, plenty of girl's at DD's school wearing ankle socks.

It really isn't a funny thing for the focus on. She will be feeling that she has no control over her life just now. She is having treatment that is very much dictatedm when, where and how long. Her child is living with someone else and her whole life is upside down. If she can get some comfort if she knows that the FC is taking her wishes into account. The FC should be listening to what the mum is saying and not rying to override her.

I wear tights or long johns under my clothes nearly all winter. I find it odd kids (at 4 too) would know how he was wearing them at all or even knowing that they’re ‘for girls’ - which they’re not exclusively btw.

Just out of interest, where is the Foster carer from? I work in a SEN school and the child who have parents if eastern European descent almost always come in with tights/leggings on under their trousers, even on quite warm spring/autumn days.
Depending on what type if SEN he has (neurodiverse/ physical disability) parents perceive that their child with a physical disability will cold as be moving less, could that be a factor?
You say he is unable to express himself, so maybe FC worries about him not being able to say he us cold so goes for extra layers. Although same goes for being too hot. If the nursery think he is too warm, surely they can just take them off him, and put on for hometime.
FC do not have to follow parents requests if they do not feel in child's best interests, but they are supossed to follow SW guidance.
Is he still in nappies, are they being used to hold this on? Maybe some cycling shorts might be a better option for this

If family have concerns about the FC, could they look after the child instead, as a familiar person?

Don't be an arsehole if you can't even be bothered to read the OP posts. She said early on teh rea.son for the foster care

I work in infants schools.

It's getting increasingly common to find the boys wearing leggings or tights under their trousers.
In my area it's more common amongst black and eastern european communities. Does the foster family fall into either of those categories?

Here’s a 6 year old thread of autistic adult women discussing the sensory issues that tights can create.

it’s entirely probable that this poor little non-verbal boy is experiencing lots of the same uncomfortable sensations.

I’d use this sort of info as a basis to tackle the FC (via the SW):

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/sensory-issues-freaking-tights.22354/

And I would agree with the other poster, contact the SW and ask them to speak with the SSW. This is about views and wishes. The child’s views are apparent if he’s uncomfortable and mum has made hers clear with the SW’s backing. It needs raising at the next LAC review but if it’s ongoing I would email and have a written record if it needs escalating before that date. He’s likely to be eligible for a non instructed advocate if you’re really getting nowhere but with the SW backing, I can’t imagine this won’t be resolved. (I’m an advocate btw)

That is really really weird and really off. After covid when all the windows in my DC's schools were open, DS was very cold and wore thermals under his school uniform. But they were specifically thermals, the sort used by hikers etc, not girl's tights.

It sounds a weird controlling behaviour from the foster career not taking into account his needs. Does she have some agenda? Was she wanting to look after a girl? Has she swallowed some gender guff about cross dressing children?

I would be angry and concerned.

@TathingScinsel 😍That website! 'compression and hug sensation'
There's official terminology for something I've always searched out but struggled to describe aloud to others without sounding batshit.

I avoided thread initially because I thought the same but I’m absolutely shocked at some of the vile responses on here.

It’s completely derailed the thread, the OP has been so calm and patient, glad she is advocating for this child and supporting his mother.

The OP has explained this already. Don't judge if you can't be arsed reading the OP comments.