To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

I know - I would be so uncomfortable myself. She is on the older side and I wondering if she just really feels the cold or something.

I'd be wondering if it's something to do with his nappy but if that is the case, I'm not sure why FC can't just explain that. To be honest, if his mum has asked her not to then she should respect that.
Also, you said that nursery take the tights off and then put them back on him for pick up time but that doesn't make sense either! Why wouldn't nursery tell FC that they'd taken them off because he gets too hot and uncomfortable and he doesn't need them?And do this every time!

No it isn't irrelevant. Especially if it's one of those foster carers who always desperately wanted to foster a little girl, so they thought they'd start crossing boundaries by dressing someone else's son in little girls clothing in less noticeable ways. The fact she's been asked to stop doing it by both the parent AND the social worker is what's relevant here. Why is she choosing to ignore their wishes?

My DS often wore tights his sisters hand me downs under his joggers if it was cold. My brothers (ages 41-47) wore tights under their trousers if it was cold when we were young & DGS wears them if it's cold so it's been common for a long long time in our as working class as it gets (old mining village) area.

It's currently 2° where I am so I'd be putting tights on DS if we were planning to go anywhere - except he's 16 now so not a chance in Hell I'd get tights on him these days.

I think it says something you'd rather a DC be uncomfortable rather than horror of horrors take their socks off? And interesting you think boys need particular 'boy' colour tights.

Are you telling me if you were extremely ill with cancer and couldn't look after your own DC and noticed they were uncomfortable in the clothes they were put in - you'd say nothing?

My little boy used to wear tights and it was adorable.

The red flag is the FC not doing as the SW asked though. I thought the foster carer was obliged to follow the social worker’s directives 🤔

@TotoroElla look at the bigger picture here..

Tights under trousers is so uncomfortable and restrictive. In 10°C what on earth is she thinking.

This thread seems to have become derailed by the “I love boys in tights” crew which isn’t the issue

The issue is that the boy is hot and uncomfortable due the the FC choices, and the mother who is going through a difficult time already is upset that her boy is uncomfortable and hot.

PP, it doesn’t matter that you dress your boys in tights (crack on) it doesn’t matter that this is commonplace in freezing temperatures, it matters that this is something that the mother wouldn’t do in mild weather, and that the FC is going against the mothers wishes, UNNECESSARILY

You mean the picture of a FC not being aware of a child’s needs, and ignoring the wishes of his mother, the advice of the nursery and the directions from his SW?

I don't think they're only for girls, as I said I have some northern European friends who used them. Mum doesn't think they are only for girls, necessarily but certainly only girls would be wearing them in this weather. Our concern was his comfort. On discussing it with the SW she spoke about his dignity - in that he shouldn't be 'different'. He should be dressed like his peers. Mum was then worried about a DC saying something at nursery which is possible but I reassured her noone would tease him.

Indeed.

I am the owner of a long haired, sparkle loving, tight wearing small boy.

That’s fucking irrelevant though- the FC should be able to see she is not meeting the child’s needs, but given that she can’t she should follow the instructions from the mother and the SW.

Does mum have Comms with nursery? It seems very strange you're both aware he is hot all day or they take his tights off but they're not communicating this with the FC?

I agree. But it was the SW that brought up the point about his dignity not us.

Perhaps she is.

Are you seriously criticising another poster for buying “boys tights” when your issue is that they are for girls?!

SMH.

Why would she pick up on that when the child wasn’t wearing tights when he went to her. This is not his norm! She has deliberately bought him tights and put them on him. Why?

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Boys tights for sale in UK they go up to 6-8 years

Well, you can believe that all you like. And actually I've not said the SW agrees, I've said the SW was the one that raised the point about his dignity. And as I'm looking for advice I'd hardly make something up as then the advice would be useless!

But believe me some toddlers do think anything pink is for girls, princess cartoons are for girls, toy buggies are for girls. As I've already mentioned there was a boy that used to bother my DS like that. I won't mention my boy's beautiful long ringletted hair, then as it might interfere with your idea of us being sexist for wanting the best for the little boy.

And I'd love to know how you think this is going to turn into an anti-trans thread! You have given us a laugh this morning so thank you! 😂

I would really really resist the narrative that female coded clothes are "undignified". Just because something is traditionally worn by women doesn't make it lesser. My 4 year old boy wears tights under trousers when it's cold, we call them thermals or leggings. There isn't anything undignified about it.

That said, if he's too warm he shouldn't be in them.

I think there isn't enough information to go on here. You need to find out why your family member is doing this, or it's all just speculation.

Exactly, the social worker has asked the FC to stop as well so they really should. No excuse for unnecessarily upsetting the bio parents.

OP, i used to work in social services and the only thing I’d advise them to do is go back to the supervising social worker about this. It may not be the end of the world in itself, but if it’s indicative of a wider pattern it suggests the FC is a bit into pushing boundaries and overstepping.

Are you seriously more interested in it being ok for boys to wear tights in principle than you are in the fact a distressed, disabled, vulnerable child is being made hot, uncomfortable and itchy because a FC thinks that they are above the directive from the mother, the sw and the advice from the nursery?!

I would think any mum would want to know there child was comfortable and not upset in these circumstances.

If there was someone he wouldn't be in FC. As I have said there's just me and I have 2 SEN DC already plus no space.

Honestly if anyone thinks a four year old needs to conform to a stereotype of boy and girl they have serious issues they need to address. There is nothing wrong with a boy wearing tights ffs.

Agree with both of you.

What???

what's 'not appropriate' about it because he's 4?? Plenty of adults wear a base layer in the winter, when it's cold.

The ONLY problem here is that he's indoors & not out in the cold. He's too bloody hot & he's uncomfortable.