To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

[TotoroElla]

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

Was he uncomfortable in them?

Massive diversion here, OK.🙄 You must be in politics 😂

It has been explained the the poor little boy is uncomfortable and hot, and that is the OP, the mother’s and the SW concern.

It has been explained that the FC is ignoring mother’s and SW concerns

This issue at a time when mother is going through cancer diagnosis and treatment is going to stress her out, which isn’t going to help.

And he doesn’t like wearing them. Stop projecting

I think you’re confusing matters.

unecessary items because it’s hot - fine. You may have a point.

going on about being dignified, being picked on, mum doesn’t like it etc is all ridiculous. They are all issues you are creating/imagining. It’s not undignified it’s a piece of clothing for gods sake. And there has been absolutely no mention of any other 4 year olds noticing let alone commenting, so the argument of him being picked on is entirely in your head.

it’s a difference in opinion, but ultimately he’s not being harmed and the foster carer os being paid to look after the child in the way she thinks best.

I'm not sure about the nappy leaking as he wears massive ones to stop leaking. But we can check that, thanks.

That poster is indicating that she is so clever and has worked out that you are making it all up. Not clever enough though to know she should report if she thinks that.

Nice try. We all know what you meant.

No, the FC is being paid to look after the child in partnership with the mother and social services, within the guidelines of fostering.

The most important of which is that the FC doesn’t have any PR and should be listening to the professionals involved and the mother.

Making him hot, uncomfortable and irritable is harming him. Not being guided by him and the people who know him is harming him.

YANBU as first of all it would be really restricting & hot to have tights under trousers. Secondly they are a girls item of clothing. DS was bothered about what he wore from quite a young age & there's no way he would have agreed to wear tights at the age of 4!

You're getting some bizarre responses here.

Regardless of boy or girl there is no need for tights under trousers in the current weather, perhaps if it was freezing then a good idea as an extra layer. Has foster carer said why they are doing it?

10 degrees is not cold! But he's inside most of the time at nursery.

And he is making it known he doesn't want to wear the tights.

I get most people don't understand the SW's point, but nevertheless I do think there is some merit to it. But I think the fact most people don't understand it probably means the FC doesn't either so better to focus on him being uncomfortable in the tights.

Advocating for a child is not 'moaning'.

It isn't freezing at the moment but it isn't so hot that he's going to be too warm outside. Maybe the FM thinks layers are better, two layers outside and then one layer can come off once he is inside. After all we don't insist kids just wear one layer on top, he's probably got a vest, jumper and jacket on when he's outside but on his legs just trousers?

I used to work in a police station, lots of officers would wear tights under their trousers, it was something openly discussed and no more of an issue for the men than it was for the women.

OP, I think you should all be concerned about the bigger picture, given this is a small child, in care. The tights don't matter. There are big things to be thinking about and to be concerned about. Not tights.

He has a waterproof suit to wear outside if needed. And yes, I wish FC would just respect mum's wishes.

It’s normal in most of Europe to put tights on boys

But we're in the UK and it's definitely not the norm here.

OP is the foster carer from a different culture where this is considered normal?

I don’t believe that tbh. If it was a case of the boy being too hot and uncomfortable, OP would have focused on that instead of the comments about it being girls clothes and the SW allegedly saying it’s undignified. The focus on it being too hot only developed after several posters said it’s a normal thing to do.

So you would have no problem keeping a DC you were looking after uncomfortable? I think that says a lot about you.

I've said nothing about being offended. I don't need to grow up, thank you.

When my life was turned upside down around the same age I loved having a soft cosy layer next to my skin, it felt safe and comforting. Even as an adult, I'm wired that way - the feel of things is important. Glad most of you weren't looking after me! Far too many adult preoccupations and judgements on this thread, plus a shit load of projections. So few prioritising a child-centred view.

10 degrees is quite cold if you are out in it for a while.

I'm disabled and I use a wheelchair.
I get pretty cold when out and about as I'm essentially being pushed and not moving much.

I have a lot of thermal layers.

Can you clarify when you have seen the child hot and bothered by the layers?

You've said that he comes to nursery in tights and trousers and then nursery take them off while he is there and put them back in at home time.

So presumably the FC is putting them on him for the buggy ride to nursery?

And you say that you or the mum pick up and take them off at the end of the day?

Disagree

The foster carer will have their own supervising social worker. If asking the FC directly hasn't changed anything, the child's social worker needs to go to the FC's supervising social and explain the problem and ask them to raise it.

When is his next LAC review?

I do wonder if it’s something to do with containing or hiding the nappy. 4 year olds are way more likely to say something about another 4 year old wearing a nappy than wearing tights.

I think all you can do is reiterate that he is too hot in the tights, you can tell this by xyz (blotchy face etc). Mum could maybe provide cycling shorts to go over the nappy if that is the issue? Weather is getting warmer so hopefully this will be a temporary issue anyway as nobody is going to put kids in a double bottom layer once it’s March.

I would drop the “girl’s clothes” point personally as that is a matter of opinion.

Right, so what are these big issues? And in what way do they mean it’s ok for a disabled child to be hot and uncomfortable? @GinnyWizz

The trousers FC puts him in are thick jogging bottoms. They only go out for 20 min playtime at nursery. It is too warm here for a double layer.

Also, he is usually coming straight to his mum's house. So from one house to another.

Cool.

Good idea. Could also try the IRO- they might be persuaded to wade in.