Decision time-final embryo

[Rainlovers]

Feeling very emotional today.
I need to make a decision about what to do with my last frozen embryo, I wouldn’t hesitate with the decision if I was younger, but I’m 46
I started trying to conceive just before my 31st birthday, cue years of miscarriages, emergency ectopic, tube removal, rounds of ivf. Finally conceived Dd (5,5) at age 39. She’s the love of our life and hands down the best thing that’s ever happened to us
We have one frozen embryo from age 39 left. The clinic have called me to come in in four weeks, I need to decide what to do
If I decide not to try with this embryo, I have to decide whether to allow the embryo to be given to others struggling for a child or be given to science, both options make me feel sick to my stomach.
Dh is 46 too.
There’s no gaurantee it would work
What would you do?
If I was 10, even 5 years younger, I wouldn’t give it a second thought

Oh wow, what a conundrum.

I think in your position I would try to use it myself. If you feel you are too old or don’t want the stress of this, then maybe donate it to a couple who are having difficulties. That would be a lovely thing to do, but of course you will always wonder if ‘your’ child is in existence.

Recently there was a program about people born from donor sperm, one young woman was born from a donor embryo and she met her bio mother, brother and half brother. It was an amazing and emotional encounter.

Me personally I could not deal with my child out there without me. I would try myself and let it happen or not.

Huge hugs either way OP.

If you didn’t have the embryo to think about, would you want another baby, now? If the answer is that you probably wouldn’t, then that’s some direction.

I’ve donated eggs in the past and know that two children were born to two couples. I don’t feel any connection to those children whatsoever - I don’t even think about them unless this sort of thread reminds me. Worrying about “your child” out there somewhere if you donate isn’t an inevitability.

Hi op, I’m in a similar (but different) situation. We have a 5yo DD from ivf and swore we wouldn’t try again despite having 2 more in the freezer. Plucked up the courage to do another cycle last year which ended in a devastating miscarriage. Again, swore we wouldn’t do it again, but am now prepping for one more cycle with our last one. We’re slightly younger than you though.

Is there a reason you’ve not ttc again with that embryo before now since having your DD? Are those reasons still in place now? Can you afford it?

I ultimately couldn’t face giving away or discarding our frozen embryos so it’s given me a bit of comfort and closure that even though we might not get another child, they’ve at least ‘gone back’ to the place they were made to go, iyswim?

It’s a very expensive type of closure though 😖. It might help to have some counselling to make your decision. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

@ComtesseDeSpair I would love to have a baby if I was younger

If they can see you're not completely sure about adoption they won't let you put it up for adoption. Do the transfer yourself, it's the age of the embryo that's important for abnormalities, not so much your age now, although the pregnancy would be harder. We've got one left on ice too and I just can't give it away, wish I was more selfless

YANBU, we have a similar decision to make soon, we have 6 embryos so of course can’t keep them all but it feels like a loss deciding to just get rid of them all so I fully understand how hard this decision is for you.

Do you want another child, that really is the only question you need to ask. Also have the clinic said donation is an option? As mine for example won’t use left over embryos for donation if the lady was over 35 for example at collection time.

we are leaning to a managed implantation, which is when they’re implanted when you’re not at a point in your cycle to conceive, so become part of you but never stick if that makes sense

I'd use it, there's plenty of older mums out there, though you'll need the sort of husband who steps up. And does the housework

@warmbutteredtoast Yes, I just can’t bear to give it away, equally I don’t want it to be used for science (what does this exactly mean?-destroyed?)

Egg donation is a whole other ball game to embryo donation though. Most egg donors don’t think about it.

@Rainlovers Yes it wouldn't survive if it was used for science. Such a tough decision. Like someone else said, worth finding out if you can donate

@warmbutteredtoast To another couple?

What a tough decision. I wouldn't donate mine to another couple I don't think, although it is an incredibly selfless thing to do for someone desperate for a child like yourselves have been in the past. I would probably donate to science though, hoping it further improves fertility treatment for others in the future. I'd ask if the managed implantation is also an option like a previous poster has mentioned, that sounds really lovely. That they are back with you even if they don't become a child.

We had two children, and a couple of embryos in the freezer.

I remember the feeling so well signing the bit of paper for the embryos to go to scientific research. I knew we couldn’t afford any more children, I knew we didn’t have room to house them. I knew I never wanted more than 2. But it still felt weird signing that form.

Once done, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders - but that was me.

so tldr - you have to do what is right for you. And I feel for you making that decision!

I can't tell from your timeline if you've continued to try since your DD was born i.e. in the last five years. I could understand using it yourself earlier than this, but I wouldn't use it at 46. If the discarding/destroying upsets you too much, investigate the other avenues, but I'd let it go personally and not give it another thought it at all possible. Focus on enjoying your DD and not starting the primary school years all over again in your 50s.

@Rainlovers Yes, I meant finding out if you even CAN donate as my clinic also said 35 was the max age for a women to donate her embryos

@warmbutteredtoast Ahh ok, I think we can but it’s not something I could do anyway I don’t think

@Pinkdelight3 The plan was to try earlier and I so wished I had. Dd was 1,5 and covid hit, the clinic was closed for so long, I had long covid and was coping with just that and a toddler. I’m honestly not sure why I didn’t a bit later, I kept going to email the clinic but life just took over and being busy with and enjoying Dd, time just seems to have flown by
So I’m too old now do you think?

We did ivf but no blastocycsts.
i think youve waited too long. 5-6 year age gap. 46+ parents.
If you were that keen this conversation would have been woth a 12m age gap etc.
we were back at the clinic for round 2 with 12m dd1.
also its only one go so you couldnt get too onvested as you cant have that high a chance even woth it being a blast as you were 39. And presumably used the higher rated one first.

overally it os an issue many who dod ivf will have some frozen.
just be glad of the choice as there will be many catholic countries who wont let them be wasted so could be a long term cost.

@Rainlovers Totally understand when it's been such a tough journey for you ❤️

What were your thoughts about it when you started the process. Does that help?

I can't entirely help with your dilemma OP but we donated our remaining embryos for adoption and the clinic seemed... Confused? It's not common in this country so just worth bearing in mind if you do settle on that decision the embryo still might not get used (ours haven't and it's been over a year now)

It is tough. I donated mine and focused on the feeling I had during the horrible years of trying to conceive. If it helps one other person not have to go through that, it makes me feel less awful about it.

Personally speaking, I’d be happy to donate it to science. I imagine it would be used for research purposes and would help other people become parents.

I couldn’t donate it to another woman - that baby would be your child’s sibling, and 100% genetically yours. Imagine knowing that that child is out there somewhere. Also, you’d have no say in who uses the embryo, I’d hate to think that it was an unsuitable couple or person.

Fwiw, assuming all is well with you health wise
, I don’t think you’re too old for pregnancy at all, if that’s what you want to do.