Decision time-final embryo

[Rainlovers]

Feeling very emotional today.
I need to make a decision about what to do with my last frozen embryo, I wouldn’t hesitate with the decision if I was younger, but I’m 46
I started trying to conceive just before my 31st birthday, cue years of miscarriages, emergency ectopic, tube removal, rounds of ivf. Finally conceived Dd (5,5) at age 39. She’s the love of our life and hands down the best thing that’s ever happened to us
We have one frozen embryo from age 39 left. The clinic have called me to come in in four weeks, I need to decide what to do
If I decide not to try with this embryo, I have to decide whether to allow the embryo to be given to others struggling for a child or be given to science, both options make me feel sick to my stomach.
Dh is 46 too.
There’s no gaurantee it would work
What would you do?
If I was 10, even 5 years younger, I wouldn’t give it a second thought

In all fairness dd has not been a toddler for 3 years, she is in full time school now ?

Life cannot have been that busy that you didn't manage to send an email.

You went through a lot to have dd, why not give the gift of life to another woman to allow her to become a mother.

I would not donate to science.

Do you feel too old to be pregnant, or to be a parent? Apologies for the clumsy question, imo I don't think you're too old to be a parent, you'd 'only' be 58 ish when your child turned 18, that seems fine to me tbh, as long as you feel healthy and can be active, and you really want to I personally cant see a problem.

I'd use the embryo.

Our clinic destroyed my remaining embryo's without contacting me (even though they had email and phone number) and it crushed me like nothing else.

@PoppingCandles Covid hit when she was one and a half, in the March, our plan was to try that summer. Covid changed it all

But you’re right, it likely wouldn’t work anyway

I don't know if you are aware but you might have been told old when your embryo was created to donate to another couple. There is an age limit.

@lateatwork I’m so so sorry 😔 is that even legal, shouldn’t be allowed

How come you didn't try after the clinics were open again?

I'd use the embryo, then I could feel I was leaving the decison to fate. Chances are it won't be successful, if it is, you will know it was meant to be. But that is how my mind works - you have to do what is right for you.

Too*

I wouldn't worry about the gap. There's 4.5 between mine, because life is complicated. My sister has six years between her youngest two, pregnant at 44. Her older ones are 21 and 23 years older than the baby. Because life.

But, it is worth considering the twin risk, your general health, your finances.

Is a general failure worse than a donation / science? Would that feel more natural or would you prefer the egg to have a "better chance" of being used?

How does your DH feel?

@WithACatLikeTread Sorry, I wrote it all above

I'm 41 and have one in the freezer with a 4 month old baby and a 7 year old. I am absolutely shit at pregnancy and the first couple of months after birth were incredibly hard too. I just don't think I have it in me to do it again. Also, for us we can't really afford another child without moving to a cheaper house/area. I've been giving away/selling my baby stuff so I think that shows I must have decided. However, can see myself still paying for the embryo storage forever, or until they tell me they won't store it any longer. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I really feel for you, what a difficult decision.

I have two IVF babies. I am grateful that I never had to take a similar decision, as the second pregnancy came after implanting the last 2 embryos, so there were no more in the freezer.

I have often thought about what I would have done had we had embryos left after completing our family. Personally I could not cope with the possibility of having a child in the world without being there to protect them and ensure they are well looked after and loved. (Of course children born from donor eggs are very much wanted, but that is no guarantee). I would have gone for a managed implantation, as I would have wanted the embryos to be back with me rather than being destroyed or going for research.

I’m 44 and personally cannot imagine having another child now. I think the fact you have not been more proactive says a lot. I think you just have to try to decide how you would feel if you were to find out you were pregnant tomorrow - would you be overjoyed or anxious?

@Rainlovers really tough decision for you. I've heard some clinics will do "compassionate transfers" at a point in your cycle when your lining is unlikely to support implantation if couples can't bear the thought of either donating the embryo, having it used for science or destroyed. This doesn't particularly help you though when you're not sure if you want to try or not, but thought I'd mention it just in case.

Others won't think so, but personally I'd feel too old for it at 46, and given your update here, I'd think the fact that you didn't try earlier means you'll be fine not doing now. It's just having to make this decision that feels difficult, which it is because it's not a normal thing for us to do and only very recently possible, but it's not a reason to have another baby at 46 just because it's there to try. It's like you'd finished your meals for the day but then remember there's another in the fridge at 11pm and you feel like you should eat it anyway, even though you were ready to go to bed. Shallow analogy and not minimising your agonising over this, but hopefully you see what I mean. MN is full of people saying 'my friend had a baby at 50 and is fitter than an Olympian' but it's you and your DC that have to actually deal with this day to day, if you go ahead.

It sounds like you did want to try again.... whilst I completely understand the age factor, it could be worth another try. You have obviously been through so much and this is another difficult decision to have to make. And with a time limit applied.
Is there any way you can get some counselling to try and work things through?
Good luck whatever you decide to do and you will make the right decision, whatever that may be

Recently there was a program about people born from donor sperm, one young woman was born from a donor embryo and she met her bio mother, brother and half brother. It was an amazing and emotional encounter.

I saw this and it was very moving, and, if I was in your position, it would definitely sway me to donate. OTOH, if you want to use it yourself, you could try. There are others older than you who have gone this path.

@PietariKontio you have the ages wrong, OP would be 65 with an 18yo, the embryo was created when OP was 39

Oh, I'm sorry, poor reading after no sleep...

46 plus 18 is 64.

If I were you, I'd probably give it a go. I'm not sure if that's helpful though.

I’ve just looked at my sent emails over the years to the clinic, three not replied to in October 2020, clinic likely closed, but there are around ten sent since then and no reply until the recent one. It’s strange as the Will was obviously there and I remember thinking I must call, I need to call them to book a consultation, life just seems to pass by, it’s strange. I wish I’d really pushed back then

I've thankfully never had to make this decision but I think in your situation, taking everything you've said into account, I'd try.
You don't really want to donate to another couple or to science, and you'd like another baby, so really the consideration is your age. Your age might decide it for you in the sense of contributing to it 'failing' (I apologise if I'm using insensitive language, I'm trying to word it sensitively but it's tricky). On the other hand it could work and yes you'd be knackered but women DO have babies at your age and have actually done so throughout history. Any older it gets much harder to see it as a good thing, but 46? I'd say take the chance.
Very best wishes and good luck OP. I can totally relate to the anguish if not the particular situation. 💐

That's some dilemma OP. If it were me I'd chance it. Rather than planning for the eventuality of a child I'd just cross the bridge when you come to it. If it works then you can consider sleep routines and maternity leave, if it doesn't then its a non issue. I think if you weigh it up a bit too seriously you could decide to have a child and feel terribly disappointed if it fails, which it is very likely to do.

FWIW if it were me I would donate if I decide not to use it myself. I really can't get why people have this idea of it being upsetting that someone is out there genetically connected to them, so what? I would feel really proud of helping another couple. But I get that's a personal choice and probably more a gut reaction kind of thing than logical.

I think if you want to try, try. Don’t feel you’re too old or that you ‘should’ donate. All the best with your decision.