Decision time-final embryo

[Rainlovers]

Feeling very emotional today.
I need to make a decision about what to do with my last frozen embryo, I wouldn’t hesitate with the decision if I was younger, but I’m 46
I started trying to conceive just before my 31st birthday, cue years of miscarriages, emergency ectopic, tube removal, rounds of ivf. Finally conceived Dd (5,5) at age 39. She’s the love of our life and hands down the best thing that’s ever happened to us
We have one frozen embryo from age 39 left. The clinic have called me to come in in four weeks, I need to decide what to do
If I decide not to try with this embryo, I have to decide whether to allow the embryo to be given to others struggling for a child or be given to science, both options make me feel sick to my stomach.
Dh is 46 too.
There’s no gaurantee it would work
What would you do?
If I was 10, even 5 years younger, I wouldn’t give it a second thought

It s similar position OP, we have 5 frozen and we are coming up to 10 years which I believe was the limit they gave us when they were frozen.

Dd is 8, I'm nearly 40 and the thought of another baby is terrifying to me! But the thought of destroying them is heartbreaking.

I would want lots of questions answered so I could make a more informed decision.
Donate to a woman/couple - what are implications of being the biological parents. Even if you waver all parental rights, what happens when a child reaches adulthood?

Donate to science - find out what this means exactly.

Then of course you need to ask yourself about how you'd enjoy being older parents. What are your retirements plans? Will you need to continue working longer in order to support another child. The gap will be quite large, which in itself isn't a problem (I have 10 years between mine), but it does draw out the years of child rearing. I've been raising children for nearly 25 years; the youngest is nearly 15 and I am 53. I think if I was pushing 60 at this stage I'd be even more grumpy than I already am.

It's a very hard decision OP and I wish you all the best.

I think the likely outcome of having this embryo implanted is another IVF failure / pregnancy loss. So I would base the decision on which would be more painful - the loss, or the what if?

I think if the embryo actually resulted in a successful pregnancy you wouldn't regret it.

If you decide that going through it all again to (most likely) lose another pregnancy isn't worth the pain, I'd personally choose research. But the choice is yours. I'd counsel against donating to another couple unless this was something you really wanted to do. How could you cope with the thought of your embryo being out there as a child when what you actually so desperately wanted (at least at a time) was for them to be your child? The only advantage would be if the other couple didn't succeed with your embryo it would be gone, no what if. But do you even get informed of stuff like that? Generous though it would be, I don't think you should do that to yourselves. Certainly not out of obligation.

If you don't like the idea of research, it isn't wrong simply destroy the embryo. Don't feel any guilt if that's your decision.

Sorry you are facing such a difficult decision x

I don't think you're too old and I think you may regret it if you don't go for it yourself (just my opinion of course!).

My DSIS conceived via IVF at 40 and had my nephew at 41. She had other embryos frozen and was desperate for a second when DN was 2 or 3, so nearly the same age as you - very tragically though her fiancé had passed away in that time and when the clinic were informed of that she was told the embryos had to be destroyed as he could no longer consent (although he obviously had at the time). It was truly gutting. So I'm probably projecting but I do think you may regret not at least giving it a shot, 46 isn't that old these days assuming you're in good health etc, DSIS is fitter and more active than me and I'm ten years younger! Good luck whatwver you decide x

I think I would go for it. Your age is older than I would like to be but the embryo is obviously from when you were younger. If it fails at least you tried. We are going to use our last one next year. I am not sure if we can really afford it but want to give it a chance. We can't actually donate if we wanted to die the age DH was when we had our treatment.

Why "most likely to lose it" it? The embryo was taken from when she was 39. Yes there is a chance of miscarriage but no different from when OP was in her thirties.

Ok let's approach this from a different angle. What if you found out tomorrow you'd somehow naturally conceived? Would you continue with the pregnancy? Do you get a flutter at the thought of it?

If all you get is dread then that's your answer. If you have a glimmer of excitement I'd say to go for it and leave it upto fate.

Oh wow what a decision ! I have absolutely no idea what I’d do. I don’t think I’d want to give it to another couple though. I don’t know why I just worry about years from now will the child think they weren’t wanted by you. And I’d be forever worrying that the child had ended up somewhere awful.

After a dc at 43 2 I ttc again when dc was a year old. 3 chemicals and a mmc at 8 weeks old.. I gave up. Would have regretted not ttc again though. My mate had 3 dc via ivf and 1 frozen embryo left. She had a holiday to ponder her decision. She had a dd at 42...she also said she had to at least try.. Doubt you would regret giving that last one a try...
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I'm finding this situation the hardest part of IVF as it's the only bit you are given control over.

We've got 4 embryos left over from our last cycle, our daughter was cycle 3 transfer 5 - I'd live another but equally I'm not sure I can go through the heart break of potentially have 4 transfers and for each one to fail.

It's such a hard decision, but my dh and I have decided if we still are undecided when I hit the menopause, we'll let them go for research - if they help others feel the joy of successful IVF than I'll be happy.

I did initially think I'd donate them, but I'm not sure that they vet the couples like they do for an adoption so it makes me worried that my child could end up in a really crap situation and it would have been my fault.

I've been where you are now, OP. After 10.5 years ttc, we had DD when I was almost 43. I had severe pre-eclampsia and DD was born two months early and spent two months in SCBU. We had three frozen embryos left over and had the same choices as you. I was so scared of getting pre-eclampsia again that I put off and put off making a decision but, in reality, I knew that destroying the embryoes or donating them for research was not right for me. I ended up have a transfer of all three embryos the day before my 46th birthday (last possible date), not expecting it to work but feeling that I needed to give them a chance. The result was my DS, now 13, and I am still overjoyed to have this second child I never thought I would have.

There are things to weigh up but I honestly don't think your age is the most important of them.

@Redbushteaforme Oh wow 😊what a lovely story
What do you think are the other things to weigh up that aren’t as important as my age? I literally feel this is the only thing putting me off. I accept that I’ll be knackered, but I have been before and friends 10 years younger with babies are too. I accept it will be hard, but lots of things I’ve been through in life have been. My issue is the possibility of leaving the potential child too early in life 😔

I say this kindly, but that last part is also still an issue for your existing child. If it’s just age holding you back then I’d chance a transfer

@Antiguadreams It seems quite a difference being pregnant at 39 as opposed to 46 though

But in reality it’s not. You were an older mum anyway, if your fear is passing away when your children still need you thats surely also a concern for your existing child who still has older parents?

Id get it put in. It most likely won't take, or won't stick if it does, but at least you won't have the weight of "what if" after.

@Antiguadreams I know, but it just feels a little different. I can just about be onboard with me being 58 and Dd being 18 and off to uni or us (god willing) passing in our 80’s and her being (best case scenario) late 40’s. But to be 62/63 when she’s 18, I don’t know
The age I was having Dd was a little older yes, but definitely didn’t really make me think much at the time as I see many around me a similar age as I was back then
God, life is so unfair, if only it could have all happened for us ten years ago

And regarding if you died, I'd be more worried about leaving your daughter as an only child without you than leaving this child young with a sibling, at least by trying you've given an attempt at her having a sibling in that situation

@PillowRest Yes, giving her a sibling is also a big reason for me too

I think I’d have to give it a try, I couldn’t donate either way I don’t think without it emotionally affecting me.

I also think I’d have to use it and see.

The only problem I would have is that if it didn’t work I think it would make me want to start IVF all over again because the seed of wanting another baby would be planted and I’d find that very, very hard to move past. At least now while it’s a what if you can move on.

That depends if you would feel like though op, you might be a lot more pragmatic than I am!

I couldn’t live with the thought if someone else with my baby so donation would not be for me, but it’s not my choice to make.
Dont feel pressured to use it, only you can decide.

I’d have a try with it yourself. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If it’s not, at least you gave it a chance to work out. It would also sit easier with me if I were in that position and already had one child from IVF.

Whoever above said something like “of course, the pregnancy will be harder” was wrong. A friend had her last baby at 48. The pregnancy was the easiest, she said, and she certainly looked (and was) well and carried on working fulltime with no time off sick due to the pregnancy. Obviously, any pregnancy can be hard but being in your 40s doesn’t mean it has to be hard.

I’m currently pregnant with an ivf pregnancy (3rd cycle) - we have a couple of embryos in the freezer. Provided all goes well with this pregnancy I don’t think we’ll do it again. I don’t think I could emotionally or physically deal with another transfer (let alone having to look after a toddler at the same time). I’m also not having the easiest pregnancy in terms of nausea. We’ve agreed that we’ll probably give it until I’m 37 (so roughly 5 years from now) to change our minds and then we’ll donate to science. The IVF wouldn’t have been possible without scientific research (and embryos are also useful for research into genetic diseases). We’re both doctors/have a scientific background. It feels like the best option for us to make sure they don’t ‘go to waste’ and to give something back. It’s a very personal decision though so what works for us isn’t necessarily applicable for you (and we may well change our minds and go for another round).

Are you able to access some counselling? I saw a fertility counsellor throughout the IVF attempts (and into pregnancy) and it strikes me as a really good resource to bounce ideas off/just talk things through. I’m also a fan of a good pros and cons list to help clarify my thought process. I think decisions like this are so difficult as they’re so unpredictable - its not a choice between baby number 2 or no baby, it’s a choice between no baby or trying for baby number 2 and all that entails (the physical side, the emotional side if it fails, you have a miscarriage etc). It’s something we have no control over the outcome which makes it so hard to rationalise.

What does your gut feeling say? As somebody else said, if you found out you were unexpectedly pregnant tomorrow, how would you feel? If you’d be pleased I’d be inclined towards trying but I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here.

I can understand why people think of them as a child and struggle with letting it go, but it’s really not. Despite what they’re saying in America…

I’d let it go, due to age, and focus on your daughter.