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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Decision time-final embryo

108 replies

Rainlovers · 23/02/2024 11:36

Feeling very emotional today.
I need to make a decision about what to do with my last frozen embryo, I wouldn’t hesitate with the decision if I was younger, but I’m 46
I started trying to conceive just before my 31st birthday, cue years of miscarriages, emergency ectopic, tube removal, rounds of ivf. Finally conceived Dd (5,5) at age 39. She’s the love of our life and hands down the best thing that’s ever happened to us
We have one frozen embryo from age 39 left. The clinic have called me to come in in four weeks, I need to decide what to do
If I decide not to try with this embryo, I have to decide whether to allow the embryo to be given to others struggling for a child or be given to science, both options make me feel sick to my stomach.
Dh is 46 too.
There’s no gaurantee it would work
What would you do?
If I was 10, even 5 years younger, I wouldn’t give it a second thought

OP posts:
Tipsylizard · 23/02/2024 16:37

We have two children born by egg donation. I had my first child at 45 after a fresh cycle, with 2 going into the freezer and after 9 months we used the last two embryos because I couldn't get my head round my potential children being frozen (I am aware this is not logical at all!).

One implanted and I had my second child at 47... they are 9 and 7 now. Clearly I wasn't in the first flush of youth but honestly it's been great for us...but only you know if you feel too old? I was very fit and healthy, we had space and good income to provide for them and obviously will be providing for them for a long time to come.

Good luck with what you decide to do. It's a tough one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2024 17:49

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 23/02/2024 13:03

That's some dilemma OP. If it were me I'd chance it. Rather than planning for the eventuality of a child I'd just cross the bridge when you come to it. If it works then you can consider sleep routines and maternity leave, if it doesn't then its a non issue. I think if you weigh it up a bit too seriously you could decide to have a child and feel terribly disappointed if it fails, which it is very likely to do.

FWIW if it were me I would donate if I decide not to use it myself. I really can't get why people have this idea of it being upsetting that someone is out there genetically connected to them, so what? I would feel really proud of helping another couple. But I get that's a personal choice and probably more a gut reaction kind of thing than logical.

Did you do ivf? No way was I donating my unused embryos.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 23/02/2024 17:55

@Mummyoflittledragon yes sadly and it was an awful time but I was lucky and was successful, no embryos to spare so thankfully I have never been in OPs position.

I just don't get the genetic thing, the way i see it its not your child, it's the child of the person who gives birth to them. I get not everyone thinks that way though. Its possibly because I'm adopted and never had shared DNA with anyone anyway.

Frosty1000 · 23/02/2024 18:05

I've never had to be in this position as we didn't have any left over to freeze.

I'm 46 now and there's no way I'd like to be pregnant now but you may not feel the same way. I'd not like to look back and say I didn't try so if you wouldn't mind another then maybe it's worth the try.

However I appreciate covid got in the way but once that was over then I'd seriously ask myself why as soon as I could didn't I try then. That may be your answer.

Personally I wouldn't donate to science or anyone else.

Pianolin · 23/02/2024 18:21

@Rainlovers I am the eldest of 3 girls. My younger sister is 6.5years younger and born when my Mum was 43. If you want another baby but covid derailed that don’t worry about your age or the age gap. Give it a go. If it’s not meant to be you will have closure from trying. You sound like you know what you want but are worrying :)

MuggleMe · 23/02/2024 18:31

Surely they can't force you to donate if you don't want it?! They'd need your permission so you can destroy it if you want.

Queijo · 23/02/2024 18:39

MuggleMe · 23/02/2024 18:31

Surely they can't force you to donate if you don't want it?! They'd need your permission so you can destroy it if you want.

No they definitely can’t force donation or ‘for science’ but when you’ve struggled with fertility and been through IVF it’s the thought of the 5 day old embryo being destroyed that is very, very difficult to come to terms with.

Even though it’s basically cells when you’ve spent a long time suffering through infertility it isn’t just cells, it’s a potential baby. And for some people (myself included) it isn’t as easy as oh just let them destroy it. To me it’s like I’m accepting the fact they’re going to get rid of one of my children.

Not everyone feels that way of course, but for some it’s incredibly emotional and painful to make that decision.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 23/02/2024 18:57

I think I'd want it implanted in me and then see what happened, I'd be completely against it being used for scientific purposes or going to another person.

I appreciate that's probably unreasonable but that's how I'd feel.

SeaMeadow · 23/02/2024 19:06

If it was me I'd give it a try for a successful pregnancy and whatever happens is meant to be. I would always wonder what could have been otherwise. I don't think you're too old to be a mum to a baby. I don't think there's any wrong answer either whether you decide to implant, donate or destroy the embryo that's all ok.

Antiguadreams · 23/02/2024 19:07

Suchagroovyguy · 23/02/2024 15:50

I can understand why people think of them as a child and struggle with letting it go, but it’s really not. Despite what they’re saying in America…

I’d let it go, due to age, and focus on your daughter.

It has nothing to do with the debate around when does life begin.

Unless you’ve been through having your body go through the egg collection process, sat waiting to find out how many of your precious eggs were able to harvested, how many fertilized, made it to day 3 and then made it to blast - you can’t have any idea how much that impacts your view.

For me they’re potential children, children I spent years yearning for, saving up for and yes spent £30k getting in the freezer, so it’s not just easy to let them go.

libbylane · 23/02/2024 19:18

I don't think you are too old.

I have a friend who had another baby at 47 (IVF - two embryos were put in) followed by a surprise success with their last embryo (not great quality one) at 48. Friend has no regrets.

I do not judge anyone's decisions. It is deeply personal. There is no right or wrong. Personally I couldn't donate as I'd never cope with thinking maybe a child of mine is out there/a sibling of dc's was out there - for others that isn't an issue and many families are made through these generous people. I also couldn't donate to science - but I so deeply appreciate those that do. If it were me I'd try again - if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't. It's one final embryo. I really don't think you are too old if it is only that that is holding you back...

My last arrived when I was over 40 - I love it. It has been so lovely to see my older children be absolutely besotted with a baby in the house. A very unexpected and wonderful addition.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 23/02/2024 19:21

I personally think 46 is too old

Is there a reason why you waited so long - 5 years since you had your first?

You can't just donate your embryo to another couple that's not how it works in the U.K. I don't think - the options are donate to science or destroy them - there isn't a box on the forms I have to donate. Not that I would anyway as I think it's morally wrong to give away effectively a full sibling to your existing child

Sufac · 23/02/2024 19:25

Is it because you feel tired and unfit? You’re only 46, so you can definitely get fitter and healthier.

Is because you think you’ll be too old when they are an adult? in my friendship group three have lost both parents (not through age) and are only in their 40s, one has lost one.

Is it affordability and quality of life for you and your current child? That I probably would struggle with.

stemmedroses · 23/02/2024 19:31

Are those the only two options?

Our clinic would have let us do a natural transfer so no meds and at a time in my cycle that I wouldn't get pregnant. We didn't need that option because we didn't have any spare embryos but I thought it was a good option.

LittleMissSleepyUK · 23/02/2024 19:46

I think I’d have to go for it. Leave it to fate to see what happens. I just couldn’t be left wondering “what if”

Original poster
Rainlovers · 23/02/2024 21:13

@stemmedroses im not sure, I have to speak to them at the appointment, there may be that option

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainlovers · 23/02/2024 21:15

@Queijo @Antiguadreams I feel the same as you both, there’s no way I could give it to another couple. I just think of it as being like the other frozen embryo from the same cycle…that was my Dd. The thought of having destroyed or given the embryo that was her/became her 🥲

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainlovers · 23/02/2024 21:16

@Sufac The second point, being older as they’re growing up/potentially leaving them
too soon

OP posts:
Galeforcewindatmywindow · 23/02/2024 21:25

I am 52 now with a 9yo.. I had dc in my teen's, 20's, 30's and 40's.. Pros and cons of all stages of my life and having dc . And I could have been hit by a bus at any age!!

Babyboomtastic · 23/02/2024 21:35

I think the 'leaving them too soon' worry is a bit of a red herring tbh. For two reasons:

  1. you were happy with that 'risk ' with being say 2 years younger than you are now. Yes, statistically you will die when they are 2 years younger than if you did it then, but that's just based on averages and it's a pretty small number tbh.

  2. having a sibling, so you've got more family, and someone to support you when the inevitable happens is doing to be really helpful.

What I would suggest though is that if you have any other having, especially ones with kids, that you try to stay very close to them, so that if you both were to become ill or did when they still needed support, the family support is there.

Hoolahooploop · 23/02/2024 21:45

Personally I would donate it to science. It’s the same as having it destroyed but first it gets to be useful to a cause close to your heart, infertility.

I can understand not wanting to give it to another couple, I would find that hard

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2024 21:48

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 23/02/2024 17:55

@Mummyoflittledragon yes sadly and it was an awful time but I was lucky and was successful, no embryos to spare so thankfully I have never been in OPs position.

I just don't get the genetic thing, the way i see it its not your child, it's the child of the person who gives birth to them. I get not everyone thinks that way though. Its possibly because I'm adopted and never had shared DNA with anyone anyway.

I’m glad yours was successful, as was mine on implantation no 3. I really wanted more children but my first pregnancy was too hard on my body to be able to withstand a second. It would have broken my heart to know there was possibly a child that I desperately wanted living with another family. I contemplated adoption but my health wasn’t good enough for that either so dd is an only child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2024 21:50

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 23/02/2024 19:21

I personally think 46 is too old

Is there a reason why you waited so long - 5 years since you had your first?

You can't just donate your embryo to another couple that's not how it works in the U.K. I don't think - the options are donate to science or destroy them - there isn't a box on the forms I have to donate. Not that I would anyway as I think it's morally wrong to give away effectively a full sibling to your existing child

Maybe the embryos aren’t in the uk. Mine weren’t and we were presented with the 3 options, also after 5 years.

adriftinadenofvipers · 23/02/2024 22:02

It's probably not ideal to have a baby at 46 but women do it! I remember my obstetrician telling me he'd delivered the baby of a 46 year old woman whose first child was in her 20s! I was 40 when I had my youngest.

I'm fortunate that, although I had fertility issues, and we struggled for years to conceive, I didn't need IVF in the end.

I don't think I could give up on that frozen embryo... I'd have to try, but with realistic expectations.

Original poster
Rainlovers · 23/02/2024 22:13

@anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled Not in the U.K.

OP posts: