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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can anyone give some ideas to say to a 12 year old boy who is refusing to go into school?

116 replies

Louise000000 · 23/02/2024 07:50

Some ideas that I may not have thought of, refusing school because it’s boring, he doesn’t care if he gets a job he just wants to play video games and stream all day.

not my ds but a good friends ds and i said id help as i have a career advisor background and he also has a good relationship with me. She’s at the end of her tether with him.

I know as an adult why he needs to go into school and why it’s important but any ideas that would translate to a 12 year old?
thanks

OP posts:
LaPalmaLlama · 23/02/2024 07:52

Well firstly why is she letting him play video games if he doesn’t go to school. Surely that’s her best negotiating point?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 23/02/2024 07:53

I would sell all the gaming consoles and change passwords to the WiFi.
School is not a choosing activity - you have to do it.

She needs to come down on this like a ton of bricks.

Soontobe60 · 23/02/2024 07:54

She needs to remove all his access to gaming, the internet and any other devices. Then let him stay at home bored out of his mind. He’ll soon get fed up!

MerryTraveller · 23/02/2024 07:54

Switch off the WiFi for starters.

Hellocatshome · 23/02/2024 07:57

Well not going to school to play video games is not an option. If you are home from school, all consoles/phones/computers/TV etc are banned and the WiFi is turned off.

He can read a book or go to school.

If he still doesn't go that would say to me the problem isn't just being bored but something else and I would try to investigate what that is.

Velvetbee · 23/02/2024 07:59

’What are you afraid of sweetie?’

CactusTheOnlyPricksWorthDealingWith · 23/02/2024 07:59

Going to school equals time on gaming devices. This is the age my child started school refusal. Were currently under camhs for possible asd. There might be more to this. Theres a fab group on Facebook “not fine in school….” Get her to join that for advice

Pashazade · 23/02/2024 08:01

I'd be honest, yes you find school boring and if you're smart it probably is. However if you don't achieve some exams you'll find it much harder to get a basic job, because unless you're really good at something you won't just get employed and then you wont be able to afford all the gaming kit and tech that you love because going forward nothing is going to be upgraded.
The problem is school as it is, probably does seem pointless to him especially if he's aware of people who earn big bucks streaming or gaming.
I'm sure it seems utterly irrelevant. It kinda is unless you know your career path and at 12 knowing you want to be a doctor/lawyer/architect who will need specific qualifications is pretty rare.

DorothyZ · 23/02/2024 08:02

This isn't about finding things to say. You need to get to the cause. Don't tell him why he should go to school. Ask him why he isn't. His 'it's boring' isn't the answer.

Createausername1970 · 23/02/2024 08:04

Agree this is not acceptable, but I would dig a bit deeper. Is there an underlying reason that he can't bring himself to say - being bullied, struggling with the environment at secondary school, can't do the work, in with the wrong crowd and getting into mischief and can't extract himself?

Start putting his WiFi access on a timer. We did this for our son as soon as he started playing games. It went off half an hour before bedtime and didn't come back on until he was due back from school the following day. We could override it if we wanted to. So no WiFi for his devices during the day was normal for him.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/02/2024 08:06

Velvetbee · 23/02/2024 07:59

’What are you afraid of sweetie?’

This would be a good starting point then work with the school.

Roselilly36 · 23/02/2024 08:06

Why doesn’t her child want to go to school? Explore that. The gaming maybe a comfort to him, but it may not the reason why he doesn’t want to go to school. Is he being bullied, dyslexic?, finding it hard to keep up with the work, has he made friends. Speak to Teacher/head of year and get to the bottom of it. Perhaps a reduced timetable to get him back into school? Rewards for attendance etc. both of my DS have difficulty with school around that age, for different reasons. Good luck.

roundcork · 23/02/2024 08:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the user.

iLovee · 23/02/2024 08:10

That's really hard. As others echoed I would not allow gaming / access to wifi.

Could you try a change of tact? Just say to him - "okay, Monday and Tuesday you will not go to school". Knowing he doesn't have a battle might make him more amenable to opening up about the problem.

Whilst at home, I would get some CGP books and explain that "x" number of pages need to be completed - at least this way he is doing some learning?

Are mum and the school working together? I was bullied horribly during secondary school for about 6 months. The school were involved but didn't do much. One morning I just could not face it and refused to go. Mum rang the school, and long story short the headteacher came out - things got better for me after that. This wasn't a "good" school either

soupfiend · 23/02/2024 08:13

It depends on whether its likely if there is an underlying reason. There might not be but he might switch on to the anxiety in the mother asking what is underlying his refusal and clutch at things that sound reasonble to refuse school, he'll say he is scared or whatever

Home is not for gaming all day, so those items need to be removed, wifi off in the day.

Daylightsavingscrime · 23/02/2024 08:17

I dunno. He has to go to school doesn’t he? I don’t think many children would go if they didn’t think they had to.

Has he given any explanation beyond being bored?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 23/02/2024 08:19

he just wants to play video games and stream all day.

well I would be stopping this for a start.

Icedlatteplease · 23/02/2024 08:22

Change the WIFI. Remove gaming consoles, phone, maybe TV, ideally out the house. Do not tell ds where.

To DS- "If is normal to have a job to pay for things like WiFi. It is normal to get basic qualifications to get a job for pay for the things you need like housing electronics and WIFI. It is normal for parents to prepare their children for adulthood. Atm you are aiming at an adulthood that does not have these things therefore you won't have them now."

Repeat grey rock style

Even if he is unhappy at school the above is still true.

But yes also check out the reasons for school refusal. If you can facilitate alternative education arrangements (home schooling, EOTAS) look into to those and talk to school. Have all these on hand when you have these conversations.

Needmorelego · 23/02/2024 08:28

He's 12. Is there any 14+ schools (UTCs) or college schemes near where they live?
They tend to be STEM based. Going on the streaming idea (which will probably fizzle out but if he is interested in tech a STEM based education might be better in general) tell him he needs to know filming and editing skills etc.
If he has the incentive of being able to go to a specialist 14+ school he might be more keen on getting through the next couple of years of "boring" school to get there.
He could also join gaming clubs where playing the games is more monitored and done in a safe way.
I believe in embracing interests where possible.
(Or..... there's something more going on at school and he needs to be listened too)

Tiggermom · 23/02/2024 08:28

My DGS was bored on holiday but I think it's becuase he is usually super driven by playing online games all day everyday.
It changes their brain to expect constant excitement and thrills - no wonder school is 'boring'.

Icedlatteplease · 23/02/2024 08:29

Be cautious about stuff like reduced timetables. Whilst they have a place, every bit of learning you child misses makes it harder for them to engage and be in the classroom the next day as they simply do not know what happened previously, they don't have the knowledge to build on.

If he has had time out the classroom he absolutely will need catch up. If you have a school who posts work online that is immeasurably helpful. Otherwise start by working through the CGP guide, consider returning to school at a start of a topic not midway through

UnlimitedCake · 23/02/2024 08:41

Could he be neurodivergent? Is there anything else going on at school that he’s not saying? Career wise - as he’s interested in gaming and IT could you chat to him about jobs in the video game industry such as game designer, video game developer, coding jobs etc? Then talk about what steps would need to be taken to achieve this.

LakieLady · 23/02/2024 08:42

What to say depends on why he's refusing, so that's what needs to be explored.

Is he being bullied, or picked on by a particular teacher? Excluded by peers? Really struggling with a particular subject?

I assume this is his first or 2nd year at secondary. Is he school refusing because he finds the environment of a big, noisy school difficult? It can be a culture shock for some kids, especially if they've been to a small primary. (Friend's son couldn't handle secondary school, the noise and busyiness completely overwhelmed him. He was finally diagnosed autistic at 16). Is he generally anxious?

Once bullying, MH or additional needs are discounted, then it's time to turn off internet access during school hours and get tough.

My DB had a school refusing phase at secondary. DM told him that parents get sent to prison if their kids don't go to school, and then he'd have to go into care, as our DF was working overseas! Not advocating that for a second, but it worked.

Comedycook · 23/02/2024 08:44

If they don't go to school, I'd cut off all screens. No phone, no games console.

Icedlatteplease · 23/02/2024 08:44

Tiggermom · 23/02/2024 08:28

My DGS was bored on holiday but I think it's becuase he is usually super driven by playing online games all day everyday.
It changes their brain to expect constant excitement and thrills - no wonder school is 'boring'.

Yes this is spot on. ALSO...

Chances are all the computer games your child is playing are designed to make you feel strong, powerful and successful. Particularly the violent and console ones. If you fail you go back to a past save and all is fine. The female NPC will fall at your feet etc etc

(The Games that will beat you mercilessly and repeatedly are few and far between and somewhat old fashioned now)

School repeatedly tells you the opposite, especially if you don't find learning easy. You need to work harder, you need to do better, you are not the best, you need to behave better, you'll won't succeed if you don't....

Whilst in the long run this is much better for your child in the short time the first makes your child feel far better.

It's a double whammy, not only is the game providing constant excitement, it is consistently blowing smoke up your child's arse.