Page 5 | Can anyone give some ideas to say to a 12 year old boy who is refusing to go into school?

Louise000000 · 2024-02-23T07:50:44+00:00

Some ideas that I may not have thought of, refusing school because it’s boring, he doesn’t care if he gets a job he just wants to play video games and stream all day. not my ds but a good friends ds and i said id help as i have a career advisor background and he also has a good relationship with me. She’s at the end of her tether with him. I know as an adult why he needs to go into school and why it’s important but any ideas that would translate to a 12 year old? thanks

RaininSummer · 23/02/2024 18:21

If you can't take away the gaming them 1 hour of maths and English gets 1 hour of gaming. Also point out that if he doesn't do school now, he will effectively be doing it as an adult or spend his time in the job centre living on 300 quid a month.

lateatwork · 23/02/2024 18:25

OutOfTheHouse · 23/02/2024 18:15

The two aren’t comparable. Online gaming is designed to be addictive.

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I say it's about balance.

LaPalmaLlama · 23/02/2024 18:38

lateatwork · 23/02/2024 18:17

I'm sure kids refused school even before gaming was around. So banning it won't solve the refusal problem

A comparison would be “would I let my child not go to school to practice football all day on the slim chance he might become a premiership footballer?” HARD NO. And in fact the football clubs are doing more than ever to encourage kids to finish school because they know that most kids don’t make it.

EskSmith · 23/02/2024 18:57

Whilst school refusal is a complicated issue I can categorically say that if my dd2 even suspected that I would let her stay off school and game instead then she wouldn't go. She knows that there is no gaming during school time, even if she is ill there is no gaming.

These 2 issues need to be separated. If he is still unwilling to go to school when it is boring at home - ie No gaming/WiFi/streaming then the reason he doesn't want to go needs to be investigated more deeply & with understanding.

OutOfTheHouse · 23/02/2024 19:10

LaPalmaLlama · 23/02/2024 18:38

A comparison would be “would I let my child not go to school to practice football all day on the slim chance he might become a premiership footballer?” HARD NO. And in fact the football clubs are doing more than ever to encourage kids to finish school because they know that most kids don’t make it.

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An even more fair comparison would be the child staying off school to practice football while the coach bribes him with scratch cards.

fruitypancake · 23/02/2024 19:26

Boring does not mean boring when you are 12- there is something going on here , your friend needs to get to the bottom of what that is

Notimeforaname · 23/02/2024 19:34

I dont understand what she hasn't taken the technology away??

Maray1967 · 23/02/2024 19:37

Louise000000 · 23/02/2024 13:27

Some great advice here I’m going to read it all through later on!!
yes to those who said I’m coming in as more a friend for him to open up to and I want to help make going to school better for him.

the school are involved and have sent staff round for him etc he will eventually go in then maybe have a good spell then it starts again.
there is definitely gaming allowed till late so this would explain tiredness in the morning and no motivation and that’s something his mum will have to change at home.

ive tried to angle about his interests with the idea that say if he was into outdoor activities or a sport, I could find a young role model type person to chat with him and tell him he could be doing this as a job if he gets his school done and dusted, but unfortunately his only interest is gaming which is totally out of my expertise.

I liked the approach of the school in London where the HT collected the x box etc and locked them away until attendance and grades improved. These were kids whose mums had lost control of them and were often out working - no good hiding the stuff in the house as the kid will find it. So the HT offered to deal with it for them.

This was not done to kids who were genuinely struggling with school, but to lazy arsed kids who think they’ll be able to game for a living.

The best thing you can do to help is take all his kit and lock it away. She needs to restrict his phone internet access. Time to get tough. School or no fun. No way would mine have been allowed to stay off because they’d rather game all day.

Maray1967 · 23/02/2024 19:39

EskSmith · 23/02/2024 18:57

Whilst school refusal is a complicated issue I can categorically say that if my dd2 even suspected that I would let her stay off school and game instead then she wouldn't go. She knows that there is no gaming during school time, even if she is ill there is no gaming.

These 2 issues need to be separated. If he is still unwilling to go to school when it is boring at home - ie No gaming/WiFi/streaming then the reason he doesn't want to go needs to be investigated more deeply & with understanding.

This. Start first with the removal of the tech - most likely he’ll realise what needs to happen. If he’s willing to stay home with nothing to do then other issues are involved.

And I agree with the football analogy - it’s the same thing.

Maray1967 · 23/02/2024 19:43

In fact I’ve just remembered that mine told me he would be a champion gamer - when he was about 12.

Now (16) he wants to be an engineer …

There’s no need to start with an assumption that something deep is at play here - he’s a 12 year old who fancies gaming all day. Both of mine would have loved that.

KillerTomato7 · 23/02/2024 20:01

Hellocatshome · 23/02/2024 07:57

Well not going to school to play video games is not an option. If you are home from school, all consoles/phones/computers/TV etc are banned and the WiFi is turned off.

He can read a book or go to school.

If he still doesn't go that would say to me the problem isn't just being bored but something else and I would try to investigate what that is.

Exactly this. I wouldn’t be surprised if something’s going on at school that he doesn’t want to tell his mother about.

motherofbantams · 23/02/2024 20:36

Spoke to a friend who did her masters on school refusal. They are either running from something (bulling for example), or to something (video games, easy life at home). Or a mix. So assuming is the latter - you have to take away the thing they run to - take away the video games. Good Luck!

Murdoch1949 · 24/02/2024 03:53

If there is no bullying involved this boy needs firm parenting, which he's currently not getting. To be gaming until late at night is inappropriate on school nights. The parenting could involve a bargaining tool - attend school, complete homework, and you can game for 2 hours a night. This school refusing needs to be tackled quickly.

DorothyZ · 24/02/2024 08:27

motherofbantams · 23/02/2024 20:36

Spoke to a friend who did her masters on school refusal. They are either running from something (bulling for example), or to something (video games, easy life at home). Or a mix. So assuming is the latter - you have to take away the thing they run to - take away the video games. Good Luck!

Your friend did a masters and those 2 were the best she could come up with?

It's a lot more complex than 'it's either A or B'

witmum · 24/02/2024 08:32

Helping Our Teens on BBC iPlayer is excellent.

This article is interesting as well www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/articles/zdkn3qt

If she is getting you involved from a careers perspective explain the maths income he needs and the opportunities out there.

motherofbantams · 24/02/2024 09:07

@DorothyZ HaHa yes it is more complex. Is how she summarised for me - 10,000 words so I am sure is more complex and also personal. My stepdaughter had these issues and she was very useful to help with that.