Can anyone give some ideas to say to a 12 year old boy who is refusing to go into school?

[Louise000000]

Some ideas that I may not have thought of, refusing school because it’s boring, he doesn’t care if he gets a job he just wants to play video games and stream all day.

not my ds but a good friends ds and i said id help as i have a career advisor background and he also has a good relationship with me. She’s at the end of her tether with him.

I know as an adult why he needs to go into school and why it’s important but any ideas that would translate to a 12 year old?
thanks

No, you don't get it by allowing gaming all day, which is why I'm not suggesting it.
It's a sad state of affairs if most parents don't have the time, capacity or ability to facilitate education at home. Time is a factor, but there are lots of ways around that. If most are lacking in capacity or ability, what does that say about the school system they themselves have been through? That they don't have the ability to facilitate the education of a 12 year old? It's not the best argument for why all kids should be forced into school.
We need to change this mindset that the current school system is fit for purpose. It wasn't designed for modern times.

It’s absolutely diabolical and yes, terrifyingly outdated.

I am painfully aware of this and yet I’m not in the position financially (single parent) and in other ways (don’t drive so couldn’t access a lot of the enrichment activities, have an only child and not many socialising opportunities, etc)

Tragically home schooling is the preserve of the comfortable middle class, or alternative people with family money. That’s just the truth of it. Private and alternative schooling is out of reach for most - yes a sad state of affairs, but it’s not us parents doing!

Your comment does nothing but double down on my despair and guilt to be honest.

My grandson did this. He refused point blank to go to school. His mother phoned the school and told them what was going on. The head teacher came and got him.

I'm sorry that my comments have made you feel that way.
As a home educator, I can assure you that it is not solely for the middle class or people with money. Our groups are full of people from every socio-economic class. We have working, single parents. We have families on benefits, working and not. We also have rich people and everyone in between.
From the outside looking in, I'd like to see radical changes in the school system. That's not going to happen though, if parents and other adults keep repeating the same mantras. That school is the best place for kids. It needs to change.

And how did that work out in the end?

@Fionaville he went to school. He tried it again a few days later with the same result. He goes to school now without protest because he knows the outcome if he refused. School is not an option.

School not being an option is definitely what he needs to learn. Society gives children so much more choice and control than they used to have that they assume it applies to all situations. Most of us over 45 would never have openly questioned what our parents told us to do. We got up and did as we were told until allowed to escape out to play with friends. And we all knew we wouldn't be allowed out if we hadn't done as we were told!

The current school obsession with results and zero tolerance is wrong but learning to work within a system is also a life skill. Unless there is a massive change in government and ethos we are stuck with it and will have to manage within it.

Unless the op can get to the bottom of the issue of why he really doesn't want to go, there is no "right" response. All the "kick up the arse" commentators might like to pop onto a couple of the EBSA threads going at the moment to educate themselves. There are other options than mainstream school. Education is necessary, school may not be. But until they know why this lad isn't going (almost certainly not just preferring gaming ..when everyone else is at school it's pretty dull and lonely) , there's no way to know what approach is right.

Look at the ebsa support thread?

@Fionaville well thanks, but I’d love to know how single parents who need to work during the day are managing to homeschool DC effectively? And also it IS the educated classes home educating… as clearly those with a very bad education can’t often then offer their DC better than what they know? Sounds like you are in a bit of a bubble… nice area etc. Where I am is one of the most socio-economically deprived areas in the SE and to imagine the majority of people who are uneducated themselves and on benefits to then have the capacity to somehow home school is laughable. Sadly. Also DA and DV against children would increase if they were at home all the time. Sorry but that’s the reality.

Still, my heart is absolutely breaking with all these comments about forcing children to go to school, giving them no voice etc - essentially the equivalent of sending them to an institution the equivalent of prison for many IMO.

I don’t know what the answer is for those who aren’t privileged - educationally or financially, locationally, emotionally etc. But would like to find one for my DC soon

Ok so he is either completely taking the piss or there is something much more serious going on.

I would start by limiting gaming to two hours per day at the weekend only.

Then go from there, I have a school refuser so I know how hard it is but sometimes kids just can’t be arsed and that’s not acceptable. You need to work out which type of refuser he is!

He is addicted to computer games and this needs to be treated.

Try some activities at home that require greater concentration / stamina e.g. Lego, cooking, DIY, and also get him outdoors, maybe sign him up for a sport club.

Perhaps he could do some 'work experience' to understand that careers are interesting and require academic studies.

He is only 12; it's not too late to change these bad habits.

Been there. What's worked for us:

Recognise gaming is a sport. It can be social and positive. Talk to the child and be interested in what they are playing - in the same way you would be if they were into a traditional sport like football or gymnastics.

Just like anything other sport. Getting that top seat is rare. Explain what traditional pro sport is like - cut throat and that everyone has a plan B.

School has to be part of plan B.

Draw parallels between school and gaming. Eg sometimes you don't do so well. Sometimes you find your opponent annoying. Sometimes you find the game boring.

Sleep hygiene is essential and impacts on gaming performance. (Also benefits school performance but we emphasize positives to gaming)

Get Out card. They have one of these per semester. No questions asked, don't have to go to school. But only if attendance was 100% to that point. Gives some control back. Makes them think when it should be used.

My child is on pathway for ASD- have seen improvement in mood and school engagement since switching to non adversarial approach.

Agreed. No games no wifi . If he's allowed to spend his days missing school playing video games all day why would he want to go to school. Your friend needs to not pander to this and parent this kid

I'm afraid that your opinion about home educating being full of privileged, middle class people is misinformed and outdated.
Roughly half of home educators now are doing so because their SEN child's needs are not being met in mainstream school. A large proportion of children are also being home educated because they've have been badly bullied and/or traumatised in school. Do you honestly think that all of those people are well off?
We are in the North West of England. Our network compromises of some of the most deprived areas in the country, which are also counted as some of the most thriving home ed communities. I've never known a more diverse bunch of people, who all have the same goal.
It works for lots of working parents. Again, you are misinformed. Home education is not a parent standing in front of their children all day teaching them algebra, like a school teacher. Parents facilitate learning and give their children the tools to learn and develop their passions. Not to replicate the whole national curriculum. It isn't laughable that a parent who scraped through school, can home ed their own children. We are living in a time when thousands of resources are available to us. It's outdated to think that children can only learn if an adult talks at them all day.
I will defend home education because I am properly informed on it and know many parents from all socio-economic situations, who are doing it successfully.

I have a child who has been out of education for a very long time, been very ill CAHMS and all sort. Now returning to "school" through an EOTAS package, there's no TV until the "schoolwork" is done for the day and theres no access to computers for the time being. I'm not coming from a place of inexperience.

Yes you need to build in support. But no kid is going back into education, whatever form that Education takes, until you have put the gaming back in the box.

You need both approaches running concurrently.

This is true. School is not optional. We knew that growing up. Unless there’s a very good reason (and it sounds like he just wants to stay at home and game). Then she makes him go.

My parents used to tell me if I ever skipped school they would get sent to jail! Not sure that is the usual tactic but I guess it made me realise it was not optional.

The not gaming and the no WiFi seems so obvious that surely she is not allowing him to stay at home all day and game?

Thanks for this patronising reply. I am fully aware of what home schooling is, who is doing it in my area and the myriad reasons why I am unable to and many others in my less fortunate circumstance aren’t. There IS an element of privilege, given many would desperately wish to yet can’t which you seem keen to deny. Also you seem keen to hammer home your superior understanding of HS. Of course I know it’s not teaching them algebra all day in front of a blackboard. So. Patronising. But even if it’s an hour or two a day, what’s the single mum who’s a cleaner out in jobs meant to do with DC the rest of the day?

Given we are essentially on the “same side” re school, I actually despair at your “if you really wanted to and really cared about your child, you’d find a way”
attitude.

The long-term answer isn’t pulling all the kids out BTW, it’s reform of the mainstream which how exactly are you contributing to?

I'd probably approach the situation very carefully and gently by saying something along the lines of "Get to school you lazy little sod" and taking away his games consoles.

Most likely there is something going on at school which he is not telling them about.

Flabbergasted at PP suggesting a parent “grey rocks” a young boy. Wtf is wrong with you?

@Beryls I'm envious of you being so secure in your knowledge that your child (or the OPs) is an NT, popular, confident lad with friends and sporting / musical / drama talent that means school is not really a challenge or scary and he's genuinely only not going because he can't be arsed. Thank goodness you don't have to consider mental health concerns that can and do lead at best to autistic burnout and worst to self harm and suicide attempts. You may be right, maybe he does just need a stern talking to and tough love but, as has been suggested elsewhere, maybe just consider there might be other issues going on?

All these posts about resilience and real life etc..real life as an adult, or even a 16+ now can include studying and working from home in a secure and controllable environment or in a workplace that has a legal requirement to make reasonable adjustments. At no other point than 5-16 do we insist that people MUST come to a specific place, do specific things in specific ways and ONLY that way and we can criminally prosecute their parents if they don't / can't. I'm a teacher and a parent of ND children with EBSA in various forms. I am education's biggest fan and until about three years ago was much more on the "tough love" bus. Then I learned what EBSA was and what it can do to a child. Again, not saying that IS the case here, but the flippant "obvious" replies are depressing in the current climate of what I thought was growing understanding.

He is probably struggling socially and/or anxious about academics/school life. You have to work out the cause and then attempt to solve it. Schools aren’t very easy places to be in. They are noisy, crowded, lots of demands on children, regular feedback about how to improve, lots of rules, poor behaviour, quite a few mean kids, stressed adults… it is amazing how many children do agree to go in!