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Original poster

Can anyone give some ideas to say to a 12 year old boy who is refusing to go into school?

116 replies

Louise000000 · 23/02/2024 07:50

Some ideas that I may not have thought of, refusing school because it’s boring, he doesn’t care if he gets a job he just wants to play video games and stream all day.

not my ds but a good friends ds and i said id help as i have a career advisor background and he also has a good relationship with me. She’s at the end of her tether with him.

I know as an adult why he needs to go into school and why it’s important but any ideas that would translate to a 12 year old?
thanks

OP posts:
Comedycook · 23/02/2024 08:45

A lot of these kids are actually addicts...they're addicted to screens and gaming. They don't want to go to school because it takes them away from them.

Tiggermom · 23/02/2024 08:47

The other thing about games is that they play with their friends - so lots of fun at home - when I was at school 60s/70s you only socialised at school (country area) so to be with your pals having a laugh you had to be at school. Nothing at home then tv limited and no online.

Lumiodes · 23/02/2024 08:51

You need to find out why he doesn’t want to go. I doubt it’s because it’s boring. There’s probably a deeper issue here. Bullying, struggling with work, learning difficulties, anxiety, etc. Also game time needs to be rationed and even stopped entirely if he isn’t going to school.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/02/2024 08:51

If it’s just that it’s boring, we all have to do things that are boring, getting an education gives you choices later on about how you spend your time and how much you get paid for it. I’d be making time at home boring too - no games, to or WiFi access.

I’d also be explaining that spending your days on a screen isn’t acceptable, introducing chores in exchange for screen time and start making the link between responsibilities and things we want to do.

If there’s a wider reason eg feeling overwhelmed, not coping in class etc he needs to explain what that is so the parents can work with the school to address this.

NeedAnUpgrade · 23/02/2024 08:52

Like other PP have said, if you have a good relationship with him then try to find out if there’s more going on other than he’s just bored.

If it is just that then there’s far more work that goes into online streaming than just playing games. Ask him how he intends to make money, what’s going to make him successful over the thousands of other teenagers that want to do exactly the same thing. There’s probably some value to find in some of the subjects he does at school which will put him ahead of others wanting to do exactly the same.

tomago · 23/02/2024 08:53

Ask why he doesn't like going?

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/02/2024 08:55

I doubt it’s because it’s boring.

Why would you doubt that? Many young people find school boring, formal education is often not that exciting and early high school is very different to primary school, learning that you need to buckle down and do the work can come as quite a shock.

There may well be other issues at play, no one here can possibly know that, but a 12 year old boy finding school boring is hardly unusual.

Kitkatfiend31 · 23/02/2024 09:10

Because you have to go to some education by law. Everyone is bored at times, that's normal life!
As everyone has said gaming needs to be drastically reduced. Look into gaming addiction. Maybe find a doctor who will talk to him about it. Certainly no WiFi in the day if not at school. And after that it needs to be limited.
She needs to work with him on creating a healthier lifestyle with more activities than just gaming. Sports of some kind and social interaction that isn't on line.
My son loved his gaming but also played table tennis, had climbing lessons and went to scouts.
Gaming is a worry for a parent and needs to be monitored.

Fionaville · 23/02/2024 09:10

It's interesting that the general consensus is to find a way to force him into school, when he is telling his parent that the education he's receiving there isn't sufficient or engaging him. Is the point of education not to inspire? If his love of learning has been squashed, it needs to be reignited. That can't be done by force or control.
Does forcing an unengaged child into school result in X amount of GCSEs at a good grade and put them onto a career path that will be both fulfilling and lucrative? Looking at the majority of the population, I'd say not.
Lecturing a child about what they need to do now, for the benefit of their adult self, rarely ignites passion for learning. Why would they make themselves unhappy now, for the sake of an unknown future?
I would investigate his passions now and taylor his education accordingly.

OutOfTheHouse · 23/02/2024 09:11

I think a lot of people don’t understand how addictive games can be. They are cleverly designed to give tiny little wins every few minutes to keep you playing. They can be as addictive as gambling. He’s not going to be getting this constant thrill at school, so no wonder he finds it boring, he’s addicted to this constant thrill.

Ask any teacher, they are battling against this all day.

Kitkatfiend31 · 23/02/2024 09:13

Fionaville · 23/02/2024 09:10

It's interesting that the general consensus is to find a way to force him into school, when he is telling his parent that the education he's receiving there isn't sufficient or engaging him. Is the point of education not to inspire? If his love of learning has been squashed, it needs to be reignited. That can't be done by force or control.
Does forcing an unengaged child into school result in X amount of GCSEs at a good grade and put them onto a career path that will be both fulfilling and lucrative? Looking at the majority of the population, I'd say not.
Lecturing a child about what they need to do now, for the benefit of their adult self, rarely ignites passion for learning. Why would they make themselves unhappy now, for the sake of an unknown future?
I would investigate his passions now and taylor his education accordingly.

Most people don't have the luxury of being able to devote their time to this or have the resources. Most parents have to work, as will this lad, to pay bills. Boring but realistic.

Bluevelvetsofa · 23/02/2024 09:19

I doubt that it’s because it’s boring too. That’s what children often say, when they’re hiding the real reason. Even if it is boring, they go for the social side, meeting up with friends etc.

Perhaps there’s something else going on then. Is the work difficult? Does he have friends? Is he being bullied? Neurodiverse?

It’s important to find out what the root cause is. Gaming is masking the reasons, because it takes his mind off things.

He may well just be opting out, but he may be using this refusal to mask something else going on.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/02/2024 09:23

It's interesting that the general consensus is to find a way to force him into school, when he is telling his parent that the education he's receiving there isn't sufficient or engaging him

What he’s actually saying is staying home and gaming is more fun, which it is.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/02/2024 09:24

It's interesting that the general consensus is to find a way to force him into school, when he is telling his parent that the education he's receiving there isn't sufficient or engaging him

What he’s actually saying is staying home and gaming is more fun, which it is.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 23/02/2024 09:25

"Get your arse up and move it, now!"

orangesareblue · 23/02/2024 09:26

I work with children and teens who have EBSA (emotionally based school
avoidance) and about 95 percent of them
have ASD/ADHD/both.

Fionaville · 23/02/2024 09:26

Kitkatfiend31 · 23/02/2024 09:13

Most people don't have the luxury of being able to devote their time to this or have the resources. Most parents have to work, as will this lad, to pay bills. Boring but realistic.

Show quote history

The resources have never been more readily available. The education of a 12 year old, shouldn't be approached with future bill paying in mind. The creative thinkers and self starters of the world are what drives it. That's what the work force needs now and will need even more of in the changing world. You don't get them by forcing unengaged children into an education system that kills creativity.

Fionaville · 23/02/2024 09:29

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/02/2024 09:23

It's interesting that the general consensus is to find a way to force him into school, when he is telling his parent that the education he's receiving there isn't sufficient or engaging him

What he’s actually saying is staying home and gaming is more fun, which it is.

Sitting at home alone on a game, shouldn't be more fun though, especially not for a 12 year old. So the school system is failing to inspire.

SpeedyDrama · 23/02/2024 09:29

OutOfTheHouse · 23/02/2024 09:11

I think a lot of people don’t understand how addictive games can be. They are cleverly designed to give tiny little wins every few minutes to keep you playing. They can be as addictive as gambling. He’s not going to be getting this constant thrill at school, so no wonder he finds it boring, he’s addicted to this constant thrill.

Ask any teacher, they are battling against this all day.

There’s another side to it as well. I’m not internet diagnosing the child, but finding school boring and video games stimulating could be a flag for ADHD at least. Gaming requires a lot of brain power, problem solving skills, working mechanics. Sitting in a classroom being understimulated and not concentrating can have very harmful effects on academic achievement. It’s not about being ‘addicted’, it’s finding the best stimulation that schools simply don’t provide post primary. School as an entire system needs to change, this ‘one method suits all’ way of educating is failing children and they get blamed for not being able to partake in school.

TeaGlouriousTea · 23/02/2024 09:31

What game does he play? If I was that parent I would be seeking therapy for gaming addiction which is now classed as a MH disorder in the DSM 5. It’s a growing issue.

Hardly anyone makes it as a streamer. Funnily enough I do know a relatively successful streamer and this is a gaming household. My DS was offered sponsorship to be in an E sports team but I pointed out it’s a short career. By the time they hit mid twenties their twitch reflexes are much slower. So they have to be a very engaging person.

Littlemisscapable · 23/02/2024 09:31

Fionaville · 23/02/2024 09:10

It's interesting that the general consensus is to find a way to force him into school, when he is telling his parent that the education he's receiving there isn't sufficient or engaging him. Is the point of education not to inspire? If his love of learning has been squashed, it needs to be reignited. That can't be done by force or control.
Does forcing an unengaged child into school result in X amount of GCSEs at a good grade and put them onto a career path that will be both fulfilling and lucrative? Looking at the majority of the population, I'd say not.
Lecturing a child about what they need to do now, for the benefit of their adult self, rarely ignites passion for learning. Why would they make themselves unhappy now, for the sake of an unknown future?
I would investigate his passions now and taylor his education accordingly.

While this is an nice ideal how does this relate to most people's real world...assuming the parents work and aren't loaded their child has to go to school. Post covid there is definitely a change of mindset that school is optional and parents wfh also confuses the issue (to a child). The education system will take decades to become more flexible so I don't think this advice is helpful. Instead stop the gaming except at weekends in exchange for school attendance...meet with school and express concerns and ask for support and see if there are any other issues.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/02/2024 09:31

You also don’t get it by allowing your 12 year old to sit at home gaming all day. The school system doesn’t suit most kids but most parents don’t have the time, capacity or ability to fully home educate to a high standard.

RosieAway · 23/02/2024 09:37

So hard and so common. Because he’s right, school is boring! Even though I’m sure there’s many other reasons he suddenly won’t go but doesn’t feel he can say it maybe it’s hard for him to voice.

Frankly the whole system is f@cked and outdated and needs reform to stop treating kids like automatons. Anyway a different argument and not helpful here.

Sounds like you could be a friend to him here, someone who isn’t his mum whom he may feel freer to talk to honestly to get to the bottom of what he’s really not liking.

Additionally think gaming changes how the brain functions and focuses… making school feel harder maybe. But equally, if that’s what brings him comfort… a tricky one.

Advice400 · 23/02/2024 09:40

My son who was a early riser started lying in and being tired for school. We identified that he was playing games...quietly...until the early.hours.

My husband found the WiFi settings for the hub ...some sort of online account I think....and got it to turn off every night at 9.

Bit annoying for me but it did the trick.

Spendonsend · 23/02/2024 09:43

There is lots to unpick here to get the right advice.

My son says 'boring' to mean something is too difficult and he cant keep up.

What would happen if there was a no gaming during school hours rule - would he find a different reason to avoid school or would he decide he might as well go to school.