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Original poster

Announce husbands cheating in WhatsApp group (other woman is in it and l will name her)

855 replies

TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 08:47

I found out my husband cheated on me before we got married, invited the woman he cheated with to our wedding and she came to our wedding. He’s not especially contrite about it all, is unable (l think it’s unwilling but anyway) why he invited her and why she attended. He claims l suggested he invite her so he did! In reality she’s a friend of his and we invited all of our friends.

To put the boot in she got blind drunk at the wedding, was a total mess, l was pregnant when we got married and then the next day hassled us a lot to return the items she had left at our venue. My husband, the woman he cheated with and myself are all in a WhatsApp group together and lm contemplating announcing we are splitting up and why including naming her. Probably not very dignified but lm guessing quite satisfying. I’m pretty sure some people in the group know about the cheating as they were there when it happened but not everyone does

OP posts:
InnocentAndDeranged · 22/02/2024 11:24

TheFrendo · 22/02/2024 10:43

I would do it, leaves no wriggle room.

Also ask 'Who knew?'

😂😂😂

Lampzade · 22/02/2024 11:31

Fargo79 · 22/02/2024 11:10

People want the perfect victim. In my experience, people are less interested in morals and values than they are in judging women's reactions. They only want to see dignified silence and "holding your head high". Invariably, showing your (completely justified) rage and speaking about the injustice of the situation is considered worse behaviour than shagging another woman/being the other woman.

I can totally understand the desire to say your bit, have the last word, expose the pair of them etc. But I think unfortunately this is not "perfect victim" behaviour and so what is likely to happen is that people will initially love the drama, some might privately reach out to express sympathy or try and get more gossip, but eventually at some point your "outburst" will be painted as proof of the narrative that you're crazy/argumentative/dramatic and that you are ultimately to blame. It is likely to feel fleetingly satisfying but probably cause you much longer term grief.

This
I wouldn’t bother putting this on the WhatsApp group, but If people asked why I was divorcing I would tell you them .
It will get out anyway.
This way you get to expose these two scoundrels without having to get your hands dirty.

Newpancake92 · 22/02/2024 11:34

OP I'm sorry it seems some posters are giving you hard time (e.g. blaming it on you for knowing and marrying while you NEVER said in the original post you knew before getting married).
I don't know what's becoming of Mumsnet but it seems people are just attacking OPs on every thread.

So sorry this happened to you, this is horrible and I hope you'll find a nice man who will treat you much much better.

plantlover34 · 22/02/2024 11:34

A few thoughts on this

  • once you send the message, you can't unsend it, you can't take it back. You can always take a day or so to weigh it up
  • do you know for sure the situation around what happened? The OW sounds like she could have an alcohol problem, he may have taken advantage. If he isn't giving you the facts, why not approach her, completely calmly, and ask what happened? And why on earth she came to the wedding? At the very least it will make you look calm and collected and make her feel 2 inches tall.
  • why not make him squirm for a bit, tell him you are still deciding how to tell all your friends and family about what has happened, especially his parents. They are going to be disgusted with him, and that will show him the error of his ways more than an angry message in a group chat

Also I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP, you deserve so much better and must be really hard to deal with while pregnant. Good idea to be getting legal advice, and thinking about living situation etc.

VampireWeekday · 22/02/2024 11:38

I wouldn't. But I would exit the group.

namechangealerttt · 22/02/2024 11:39

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/02/2024 09:27

I'd prime one friend in advance and get her to take screenshots then I'd announce it and leave the group. I'd make sure I'd left the house by then though.

This is such a good idea.

I really despise people keeping a "dignified silence" but I am neurodivergent. Silence is compliance and allows arseholes to get away with terrible things.

The caveat is you have to expect to lose all the friends in this whattsapp group, but everyone else on here is right, others in that group will already know and have been happy to stay silent so they are not your friends anyway.

The thing is humans like comfort, and part of remaining comfortable, is being in homeostasis, on an even keel, or at peace. Whatever disturbs one's homeostasis, is likely to be the target of vitriol and attack, whether it is logically valid or not.

You didn't do anything wrong, but if you are the one that drops the bomb in the whattsapp group, you are the one disturbing other people's peace, so people will come for you, even though it's your husband that's the arsehole.

Original poster
TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 11:40

BarrelOfOtters · 22/02/2024 11:10

Yes I think it kind of is your job, you and your soon to be ex husband’s primary job to look after your kids and their relationships with other people.

I’ve seen the fall out of this kind of public outing of affairs on kids. It’s not pretty. Screenshots sent around schools….

Show quote history

Not my job. When people do shitty things then they need to be prepared for the possibility that other people will find out. I don’t want to be his wife anymore and won’t clean up his messes. Children can’t read at this age and don’t go to school so it feels unlikely…

OP posts:
Original poster
TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 11:41

namechangealerttt · 22/02/2024 11:39

This is such a good idea.

I really despise people keeping a "dignified silence" but I am neurodivergent. Silence is compliance and allows arseholes to get away with terrible things.

The caveat is you have to expect to lose all the friends in this whattsapp group, but everyone else on here is right, others in that group will already know and have been happy to stay silent so they are not your friends anyway.

The thing is humans like comfort, and part of remaining comfortable, is being in homeostasis, on an even keel, or at peace. Whatever disturbs one's homeostasis, is likely to be the target of vitriol and attack, whether it is logically valid or not.

You didn't do anything wrong, but if you are the one that drops the bomb in the whattsapp group, you are the one disturbing other people's peace, so people will come for you, even though it's your husband that's the arsehole.

Show quote history

All very true. People like the status quo and rarely like the boat to be rocked for whatever reason

OP posts:
Isthisreasonable · 22/02/2024 11:42

If you are divorcing perhaps a simple "I am in the process of divorcing DH. This is entirely due to his affair with OW. I will not be discussing it any further"

BeyondMyWits · 22/02/2024 11:42

So sorry OP...

As a pp says, you can't unsend it once it is done. And anything you put online (even in a private WhatsApp group) can be screenshot and shared.
Would mention it when taking legal advice as I'm sure you'd be surprised how far a seemingly innocent post can travel, and how copies kept can be used against you. Be careful not to supply the ammunition if things get messy.

Original poster
TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 11:43

Newpancake92 · 22/02/2024 11:34

OP I'm sorry it seems some posters are giving you hard time (e.g. blaming it on you for knowing and marrying while you NEVER said in the original post you knew before getting married).
I don't know what's becoming of Mumsnet but it seems people are just attacking OPs on every thread.

So sorry this happened to you, this is horrible and I hope you'll find a nice man who will treat you much much better.

People do seem very attacking these days. As l already said l wouldn’t have married him if l had known and he knows this

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 22/02/2024 11:43

I would do it in a heartbeat and I would detail all their shitty behaviour.

SerialLurker997 · 22/02/2024 11:43

JamesPringle · 22/02/2024 08:56

I don't know about all this dignity business really. Why is it dignified to not address directly the people that caused you harm? Why does dignity so often mean the silence of women?

THIS

Why has Mumsnet become so judgemental, rude and bitchy? People should be ashamed of the way that they respond to some posts from people who are clearly having a tough time of it. Invariably results in OP having to defend themselves from the masses for no reason.

So sorry OP, you must be heartbroken. Absolutely call them out if you think it will make you feel better. That's the No. 1 aim here.

wibdib · 22/02/2024 11:44

OP you’re going to do this, just make sure that you have everything lined up ready to get divorced before you kick this off. So things like copies of his pay slips, back accounts, anything that you might need as financial evidence - and keep it out of the house with a trusted friend, parent, in a bank box or storage locker etc - as once this all ones out you might find it difficult to get the info again!

MzHz · 22/02/2024 11:45

Lifestooshort71 · 22/02/2024 08:51

No, not at all dignified

Edited

not that I necessarily disagree - but it just occurred to me that is Being Dignified a bit like Being Kind? that thing that we wimmin are all told to be all the time, never to ruffle feathers or raise our voices.

I think we need to give some serious thought to how being told to be dignified might actually be another way to keep women quiet and in their places

Midwinter91 · 22/02/2024 11:47

Yes do it, and post any evidence

BetsyBobbins · 22/02/2024 11:48

wibdib · 22/02/2024 11:44

OP you’re going to do this, just make sure that you have everything lined up ready to get divorced before you kick this off. So things like copies of his pay slips, back accounts, anything that you might need as financial evidence - and keep it out of the house with a trusted friend, parent, in a bank box or storage locker etc - as once this all ones out you might find it difficult to get the info again!

Excellent advice.
Prepare first, shoot later.

Midwinter91 · 22/02/2024 11:50

People are saying seek legal advice but honestly he’s not going to try to sue you for telling your friends about his affair is he. It’s not going to harm him professionally. Also it’s only slander if you’re making false statements.

ImANameChanger01 · 22/02/2024 11:50

OP. I’ve always been the keep the moral
high ground type, but as I’ve got older, I’ve realised it does nothing but 1. allow people to continue shitty actions because they know that no one talks so their dirty little secrets stay hidden, and 2. staying silent keeps the pain within the person who has been wronged.

So as a few posters have said, I would most definitely put it on the group in a short and factual way and say that you’re not expecting a response to the message but that it’s out there so everyone is aware why you won’t be socialising with that pair within the group (or words to the same effect).

Good luck.

coldcallerbaiter · 22/02/2024 11:50

Why isn’t he remorseful, is it because you were not married yet?Would you stay if he was remorseful? How did you find out? Did he tell you?

Is talk of leaving him just bravado and anger? If so, do not blow up the group. Do not give the bitch the satisfaction of knowing you are upset. You have a child, you may opt to stay. Not saying you should stay but think about your next steps.

I personally think differently to other people. If I thought he wouldn’t do it again, I would be furious but consider the marriage void until I wished to resume it. So I would check out my dating options, maybe have an affair, see how he likes it. But I am spiteful and always have been, an eye for an eye.

curious though, was it an affair or a one off and at what point was it eg. When dating or when living together?

Zucker · 22/02/2024 11:51

MzHz · 22/02/2024 11:45

not that I necessarily disagree - but it just occurred to me that is Being Dignified a bit like Being Kind? that thing that we wimmin are all told to be all the time, never to ruffle feathers or raise our voices.

I think we need to give some serious thought to how being told to be dignified might actually be another way to keep women quiet and in their places

Show quote history

That's exactly what it is. Tell them all if that's what you want to do!

A lot of people have this idea of the wronged party being dignified like a fictional character. In real life saying nothing in a case like this means the 2 fuckers can swan off into the sunset with not a glance back. Make it messy for the 2 of them OP!

SoreAndTired1 · 22/02/2024 11:51

So when are you going to do it?

Flopsy145 · 22/02/2024 11:53

I would happily tell people why and who, if he didn't want it out there he shouldn't have done it.
But co parenting is your focus, will that be amicable if you do?

shearwater2 · 22/02/2024 11:53

I wouldn't put it in a text which can be forwarded to whoever, copied, examined, misconstrued etc but would speak to whomever I needed to from the group and let them know exactly what happened.

Fionaville · 22/02/2024 11:53

I'd do whatever will make you feel better about the situation. Dignified doesn't have to mean silent. If it'll give you some satisfaction, then do it. If you think you'll cringe after a year has past, then don't.