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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Announce husbands cheating in WhatsApp group (other woman is in it and l will name her)

855 replies

TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 08:47

I found out my husband cheated on me before we got married, invited the woman he cheated with to our wedding and she came to our wedding. He’s not especially contrite about it all, is unable (l think it’s unwilling but anyway) why he invited her and why she attended. He claims l suggested he invite her so he did! In reality she’s a friend of his and we invited all of our friends.

To put the boot in she got blind drunk at the wedding, was a total mess, l was pregnant when we got married and then the next day hassled us a lot to return the items she had left at our venue. My husband, the woman he cheated with and myself are all in a WhatsApp group together and lm contemplating announcing we are splitting up and why including naming her. Probably not very dignified but lm guessing quite satisfying. I’m pretty sure some people in the group know about the cheating as they were there when it happened but not everyone does

OP posts:
debbs77 · 22/02/2024 19:58

Yes definitely do it! Have your ducks in a row first perhaps though?

Please update us when you do. X

NonPlayerCharacter · 22/02/2024 19:58

I’m not talking about street fights, or slanging matches, I’m talking about a healthy dose of revenge

Why isn't revenge healthy in street fights or slanging matches?

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/02/2024 20:03

This b*tch pwned yet ?

PepperyTaste · 22/02/2024 20:07

There are so many unpleasant vengeful immature posts on here it’s shocking.😮

It would be completely ludicrous to do this on a WhatsApp thingie. It’s the sort of thing a teenager might do, but even most teenagers would have more sense.

You weren’t even married. It’s in the past. I know you might feel incredibly hurt but best to find a way to deal with it in other ways.

mathanxiety · 22/02/2024 20:08

Isthisexpected · 22/02/2024 09:21

There's nothing undignified about the truth.

A simple I have found about X and Y's affair and we are divorcing.

Then leave the group. The only people who contact you again will be those who didn't know. You're about to find out who your friends are I think.

There's a big part of me that agrees with this.

However, I personally prefer the idea of just speaking privately with members of the group, in person.

I think you'd come across as more hurt and genuine, and less vengeful and catty, if you share the news with people face to face.

If you lob the news into the WhatsApp group, you're essentially inviting people to grab their popcorn and pull up a seat. You're turning something quite sad and serious into entertainment.

PepperyTaste · 22/02/2024 20:08

That 70% vote think this is a normal and appropriate thing to do says a lot about Mumsnet and who it attracts.

TitaniasAss · 22/02/2024 20:09

You weren’t even married. It’s in the past. I know you might feel incredibly hurt but best to find a way to deal with it in other ways.

It's ok OP, PepperyTaste says it's in the past and you weren't even married. So I guess you should just move on eh?

Fucks sake ...

Jook · 22/02/2024 20:11

QueefofSheena · 22/02/2024 19:38

Why does it matter why he told her, how close to the wedding it was or whether OP was pregnant at the time? OP has answered most of these questions but there is only one thing that matters, he cheated. He and OW deserve any shaming they get.

Not the first question.

I like to make sense of the context and at the moment I’m not there.

taybert · 22/02/2024 20:22

I don’t think you’re dragging anyone else in to your drama. Why wouldn’t you tell people what had happened? If they didn’t want people to know then they shouldn’t have done it, there was always a risk it would get out. I wouldn’t put it on Facebook but a closed group of mutual friends, what’s the difference to sending them all the same message separately? It’s completely possible to impart this information in a calm and dignified manner without loss of composure or resorting to sharing photos of him in the act or saying he’s got a tiny penis. Why should the OP slope off as if it’s her who has something to hide and be ashamed of? If people ghost her for calmly telling the truth or say she’s a mad bitch then they’re going to do that however they find out.

I think there’s a lot to be said for controlling the narrative here.

Original poster
TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 20:23

PepperyTaste · 22/02/2024 20:07

There are so many unpleasant vengeful immature posts on here it’s shocking.😮

It would be completely ludicrous to do this on a WhatsApp thingie. It’s the sort of thing a teenager might do, but even most teenagers would have more sense.

You weren’t even married. It’s in the past. I know you might feel incredibly hurt but best to find a way to deal with it in other ways.

I prefer the “unpleasant vengeful immature posts”. Compared to your pathetic and martyr like one. Are you as much as a wet blanket in real life? Bet you are. Lots of “these things happen”, “boys will be boys”, “it didn’t mean anything”. “Why are you making a big deal out of it!”. “Well, he married you didn’t he”.

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 22/02/2024 20:24

YABU just for trying to drag the rest of the group into your drama. How on earth do you expect them to respond to that?

If you want to confront the OW directly, do it. If your friends ask about the end of your marriage and you want to be honest, do it. But don't force other people to be involved.

Original poster
TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 20:26

TitaniasAss · 22/02/2024 20:09

You weren’t even married. It’s in the past. I know you might feel incredibly hurt but best to find a way to deal with it in other ways.

It's ok OP, PepperyTaste says it's in the past and you weren't even married. So I guess you should just move on eh?

Fucks sake ...

Yep, sucking up cheating and lack of respect is going to work out really well. Maybe l could arrange a three way with the OW (actually l have already had some STI tests and dont want to have anymore). Or maybe l need to change my hair, lose some weight, book a holiday etc 🙄.

OP posts:
WhatsMyUsername89 · 22/02/2024 20:27

Do it! Do it!

if you’ve done it has anyone responded???.

also did he randomly get a random prang of guilt and tell you? What a prick. Tell the WhatsApp chat. Whoooo cares if it upsets any of them!

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 22/02/2024 20:28

23 pages later has she posted it to the WhatsApp group or still seeking validation on here.

manipulatrice · 22/02/2024 20:30

PepperyTaste · 22/02/2024 20:08

That 70% vote think this is a normal and appropriate thing to do says a lot about Mumsnet and who it attracts.

What type is that then?

Women who are prepared to stick up for themselves and not be "dignified and silent" over the appalling behaviour of a man? To spare who exactly? The man's feelings?

It's about bloody time we recognised people for who they are and the wrongs they do. 2 fingers to keeping it private. Let the world know exactly what others are like so maybe someone will hold them accountable for their shitty actions, as they sure as hell don't seem to do it themselves.

Give over.

Whattheflipflap · 22/02/2024 20:30

I’d definitely do it. More power to you girl. Sorry you married a dickhead.

thepastinsidethepresent · 22/02/2024 20:34

All this 'you weren't even married' is batshit. Cheating is cheating. Do people really believe fidelity only matters between married people?

OP, in your shoes I don't think I'd be able to resist naming and shaming. The way you're thinking of putting it isn't undignified imo, and even if it was, you don't owe anyone dignity after how you've been treated.

WandaWonder · 22/02/2024 20:34

manipulatrice · 22/02/2024 20:30

What type is that then?

Women who are prepared to stick up for themselves and not be "dignified and silent" over the appalling behaviour of a man? To spare who exactly? The man's feelings?

It's about bloody time we recognised people for who they are and the wrongs they do. 2 fingers to keeping it private. Let the world know exactly what others are like so maybe someone will hold them accountable for their shitty actions, as they sure as hell don't seem to do it themselves.

Give over.

Show quote history

If I was on a group chat or whatever and some put on 'my husband and this person cheated on me' I would ask 'ok what do you want me to do about it?' What is the appropriate response?

Get the tar and feathers out? Purse my lips at them?

SoreAndTired1 · 22/02/2024 20:35

TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 20:26

Yep, sucking up cheating and lack of respect is going to work out really well. Maybe l could arrange a three way with the OW (actually l have already had some STI tests and dont want to have anymore). Or maybe l need to change my hair, lose some weight, book a holiday etc 🙄.

Show quote history

Look OP, are you actually going to DO something, or are you just talking about it on this thread. FFS, DO IT! Go and DO IT! Then report back any responses.

Sherr33 · 22/02/2024 20:36

Well a fair warning is needed. This woman has basically had sex with a man she knows is in a relationship and has had thr nerve to actually accept the invite and come to the wedding? Are you kidding me? I guess all the women in that group need to know who to be wary of

thepastinsidethepresent · 22/02/2024 20:36

User1789 · 22/02/2024 13:43

I find the idea that women should react to lying, cheating behaviour by people close to them with silence in order to be considered 'dignified' or to hold the 'moral high ground', so dripping in misogyny it is almost upsetting.

OP, our society is simply not set up to allow 'the woman scorned' to take hold of the narrative. That is why your idea to simply state that you are leaving a friendship group as your husband and a mutual friend have been unfaithful together is so terrifying for some.

It is not 'your truth' or a 'version of events', it is cold, hard, facts, and the people who are so threatened by that need to reflect on why.

Amen. So well put.

FizzyWizzyBubbles · 22/02/2024 20:36

Without a doubt I'd do it.

Lilysienna1 · 22/02/2024 20:37

Did someone really just say ‘you weren’t even married.’ Sorry…. What 😭😭 so a long term relationship, engagement, fertility treatment leading to an actual baby- as long as they haven’t walked down the aisle yet, then the man is absolutely fine to cheat? Ok then. Lovely.

Lilysienna1 · 22/02/2024 20:39

Oh and yes I bloody would shame her and I’m not even the confrontational type. I would just state the facts, take the emotion out and go with ‘just to give you a heads up, me and H are splitting due to the affair he had with OW. Take care’ and leave the chat

YoungCuriousAndLookingForAnswers · 22/02/2024 20:39

TruthorDie · 22/02/2024 16:56

Further info that people have asked about
-it was more than a snog. They have no previous romantic or sexual history l am aware of
-she was single at the time l think? We weren’t “on a break” or any of that nonsense
-l wasn’t pregnant when it happened but we were actively having fertility treatments. Very obviously and clearly pregnant on the wedding day e.g. had to wear a maternity wedding dress

-it was more than a snog. They have no previous romantic or sexual history l am aware of

Op, I may have misunderstood completely but are you suggesting he got handsy with her but they didn’t sleep with each other?
I’m definitely not suggesting this is ok (it’s not) and even a snog would be considered cheating for most people so don’t want to minimise this. But I am trying to clarify as I think outing a snog on WhatsApp is vastly different to outing her as long term affair partner (which I’m aware she also is not). I think most people in the group would understand you wanting to make it known and would sympathise with you had it been sexual as this is a major betrayal. But now I’m wondering if it was just ‘heavy petting’, in which case you have a right to feel hurt but think outing them would only backfire on you.