Announce husbands cheating in WhatsApp group (other woman is in it and l will name her)

[TruthorDie]

I found out my husband cheated on me before we got married, invited the woman he cheated with to our wedding and she came to our wedding. He’s not especially contrite about it all, is unable (l think it’s unwilling but anyway) why he invited her and why she attended. He claims l suggested he invite her so he did! In reality she’s a friend of his and we invited all of our friends.

To put the boot in she got blind drunk at the wedding, was a total mess, l was pregnant when we got married and then the next day hassled us a lot to return the items she had left at our venue. My husband, the woman he cheated with and myself are all in a WhatsApp group together and lm contemplating announcing we are splitting up and why including naming her. Probably not very dignified but lm guessing quite satisfying. I’m pretty sure some people in the group know about the cheating as they were there when it happened but not everyone does

In this case I'd say do it - with a simple, factual unemotional statement as PPs have suggested.

You have nothing to lose - anyone in the group who drops contact with you afterwards wasn't worth having anyway.

Cheaters often try to create a narrative that shows them in a better light, and this nips that in the bud.

Personally I would drop that bomb straight in the whatsapp. Fuck them, standing up for yourself is dignified, walking away without saying something is weak.

I can see why it’s tempting, and of course you are furious but honestly long term you have to co-parent with this arsehole. And yes, think about the impact on your children.

Also the opinions of others in this WhatsApp group don't matter. It doesn't matter if they see the OP as a fool or a cow or a hero. Worrying what people might think is what holds so many of us women back.

You're standing up for yourself OP. Good on you.

I absolutely would do this, don't understand this dignified silence thing, you haven't done anything wrong so why should you be ashamed?! Especially as you don't necessarily want to see everyone in the group again and some of them may already know.

BTW the suggestion that OP announce her husband shagged 'somebody in the WhatsApp group' is also a deeply misogynistic attempt to frame the 'real' perpetrator as the other woman (rather than her husband) and sow division among women who are innocent here.

I would be supportive of a friend dealing with this shit, but I would be beyond fucked off with a woman who implicated me in an affair with her husband, when I had done nothing of the sort. In fact I might let her know there were few things I could be less arsed with bothering to do than shag her cheating bloke...

Probably not very dignified but lm guessing quite satisfying.

Depends what you want to achieve. IME people care less about cheating than someone hurt by cheating thinks.

Look at like - say your best friend in the world who you love dearly was cheating. and someone told you. you might not approve of her behaviour but are you really going to now abandon your friendship? a few pious types might but most would just treat it like any flaw in a friendship. Same with your boss or your more distant acquaintances - are you really going to care? probably not. it won't make you not speak to them or ostracise them. At most it will be a bit of interesting gossip to chat about.

So I'd think about what you are hoping to acheive and why.

I see what you're saying and I do think that's sensible, but it really galls me that it's always the woman told to think about these things, when it's the cheating man who gave not one single thought to his family when he was getting his oats.

Personally I couldn't bear to give her the satisfaction. Even if you do decide to end your marriage because of this affair I wouldn't want her to know she was that important or was the influencing factor.

Are we talking snog in a bar or full blown sneaky "love affair". You feel as you do but I wouldn't give up on my marriage immediately for one mistake. A "love affair" would be much harder to get over.

You sound (understandably) absolutely fuming so I wouldn't do anything immediately - at least take a few days to mull over how you want to handle it.

To make sure her friends make effort to see her and consider excluding the other woman from future meet ups.

If OP is done, there is no reason to exclude OW from the group. And would you want to g on a girls weekend in a years time with the other woman talking about how happy they are?

Do it. I would, and have. I was cheated on in my first marriage and I made sure everyone knew exactly what he did, and I also told the OW's partner and family straight away, too.

The worst thing about betrayal like that is that it can leave you feeling stupid and pathetic and somehow not good enough, but taking back the power in this way really helped me get over it all and feel strong about moving forward.

Outing them both to the people whose opinions they cared about most was extremely gratifying. Instant karma.

this must be hard.

id do it, don’t just say “mutual friend” name her, it’s unfair to start rumours about the other women.

some in the group wil take his side and not see you, but then eventually they would “drift” from you anyway. Best rip the plaster off and stop them having the opportunity to rewrite history /get together later and pretend to their mutual friends it was entirely started after the split.

(BTW - don’t assume all your friends already know, there’s bound to be a few oblivious types. You might find there’s others who’ve been on the receiving end of cheating and would never have kept it from you.)

All those saying "but think of the children!" He didn't, did he 🤷‍♀️

No he didn't but that doesn't mean that no one should.

I’d channel Moira Stewart rather than Kat Slater when announcing the facts to the group, keeping it factual rather than emotional, but the idea that the OP would be undignified in taking this course of action is such nonsense.

I would get everything I needed lined up ready for the divorce first- sort finances, think about who will be living where, make sure you have full childcare coverage for your working hours.

I actually think there’s dignity to be gained from a short, clear, factual announcement. If you don’t say something, you can bet your bottom dollar that H and OW will be dripping lies about you into everyone else’s ears.

What difference will it make to the kids whether she posts on the WhatsApp group or not? He'll be pissed off and it'll affect their co-parenting relationship? I think he ruined any chance of having a nice co-parenting relationship when he stuck his dick in someone else then invited her to his wedding.

100%! Have been in a similar boat and gave my best friend approval to post a similar message in our female group (I couldn't think straight to do it myself). Possibly not dignified but 7 years later it is still one tiny bit of joy in an awful time that felt like it gave me a tiny bit of power back. Right or wrong I'm glad the OW was outed in our friend group.

I would OP. She had the neck to show up at your wedding and behave badly.

you have nothing to lose. Just keep it short, sweet and don’t explain. State the fact and enjoy the aftermath.

You get out of life what you put into it, burn both of them.

The object of,your ire should be the DH Skank, not the woman. He was making vows to you, not this woman

I don't think it's "the bomb" that you expect it to be, OP.

I'd actually feel weird as a friend of yours, to be dragged into the ins/outs of where your husband's dick has been in an anticipation of me being some baying spectator in the crowd.
It really ain't THAT interesting.
Having said that, it would eek out a two minute topic in front of my TV dinner...

The child is roughly 1 year old, right? So, how is telling everyone what happened on WhatsApp impacting the child anyway? 🤷‍♀️ all op is doing is publicly stating the truth, instead of everyone gossiping about it behind her back or hearing only his side of things. This way she controls the narrative and shuts down speculation.

I know alot of people have said not to do it but i would and have done the same. I knew he would gaslight everyone in the group and tell them we had drifted or it was a mutual split.

I would because I’m like that. I’d tell them and then leave the group.

I doubt she'd want you as a friend anyway, if you think a friend's marriage ending "ain't that interesting"