DH thinks I ask him to do things I can just do myself! AIBU?

[LetsStartWithAir]

Today, one of our DC has D&V. I spent the day cleaning up the aftermath and when DH arrived home, there were two nappy bags at the front door I hadn’t taken out to the bins yet. He walked into the house and I asked if he wouldn’t mind putting them in the bin outside. The reason I asked is that I was in my dressing gown and I don’t like going out the front unless I’m dressed. Not judgemental of others that do go out in dressing gowns. I’m just very self conscious and don’t want to be seen by neighbours because of my own insecurities.

Anyway, this somehow triggered DH into a big rant about why I always leave jobs like that to him.

This made me really upset. I don’t want to be too graphic, but let’s just say that clearing up the D&V was far more offensive than placing 2 nappy bags in a bin. In the end, I put the bags in the bin (dressing gown and all), as they needed to go out asap.

DH has since apologised but said that he is fed up of me asking him to do things that I could do myself. For instance, I don’t like going out to our garage once it’s dark outside. There is a bat that flies right by our back door and I’m petrified. Another example he gave is when I’ll ask him if he’ll go to the shops to pick something up in the evening. This might be on an occasion when I’m in my pyjamas. I have issues going out without having makeup on etc so once I take that off, I would have to re-do it to pop to the shops. This isn’t really frequent. Maybe once or twice in a month that I might ask him if he could go in the evening for that kind of reason.

I also want to caveat this by saying I have struggled with eating disorders and anxiety for many years due to being emotionally and verbally abused by my mum when I was a child. Although I’ve been to counselling because of this, I still struggle with having to look my best in public. I’m not trying to impress anyone. It’s just because on some level, I’m afraid for people to see me without this “mask”.

I said to my husband that I will try not to lean on him so much, but that I didn’t really feel sorry. I explained that he literally got so upset with me when I simply asked him a favour and that even though he has now apologised, he’s using my issues as the reason and I don’t think that’s really fair. I know I’m not perfect, and if he had come to me and told me how he felt, I’d have understood. But after the day I’ve had, a drama over something so small was really the last thing I needed. He’s upset by this and said that he can’t believe I won’t apologise for my role in it all.

Im finding it hard to figure out if I’m the one who’s just being stubborn here and would really appreciate honest replies, even if it’s deemed to be me that’s the problem.

So AIBU?

YABU - just say sorry for asking him favours.
YANBU - he shouldn’t have got mad at you and then should have apologised without passing the blame to you.

Also adding that DH does do a lot around the house, does supermarket trips other times etc. He is not like many men who are moaned about on here for not pulling their weight.

I could do pretty much all the jobs in our house, but I try to get DH to do half. Why wouldn't he do his fair share?

YANBU

Pathetic and ridiculous on his part. Why is it so difficult to help you? Even if you didn't have insecurities, if your home and settled in the evening and he is on his way home from work why is it so hard to nip somewhere? Much easier than you having to pack the kids into the car.

But why are those things favours to you? All your examples are general household chores which you should both be doing 50/50 of. So, if you'd put the bags out, or went to the store - are you doing him a favour then?

Dh is completely in the wrong op, his house and kids too. I know you say he does things but you were hardly sat on your arse doing nothing if d and v is in your house!!!!

My DH does stuff that I don't like doing because he wants me to be happy, and actually likes to do things for me. In the same way that I do things for him. We are married and both consider that we are there to support each other.
There's a lot of stuff I wish he'd be more proactive about, but things like taking the rubbish out at night or doing a corner shop run are ways he can make my life easier with very little effort, and he recognises that.
I'd be wondering why your DH doesn't want to be nice to you, you're not asking for a lot.

I think he was being unreasonable over the D&V thing tonight, but he possibly has a point more generally if he’s orherwise pulling his weight around the house.

What kind of things are you asking him to go to the shop for, and is it on his way home or are you expecting him to go out again when he’s “in” for the night? And do either of you actually need to go to the garage much after dark, or could it wait until the next day? It does sound a bit like you expect him to do everything when he’s home rather than splitting the evening tasks between you.

I think this is not a YABU/YANBU issue - time for couples' counseling.

Individual requests for him to contribute to household tasks are entirely reasonable, so none of the individual examples of things you've asked him to do are unreasonable.

But if the two of you are equally contributing to the shared household then I can see where he'd get sick of being expected to pick up the tasks you don't want to do. No one likes feeling like an unpaid personal assistant, and MN would lambast a man who tried to send his wife to the store after they've both had a long day because he's put on his pajamas and doesn't want to get dressed again.

Go work on the underlying issues and patterns together. Blowing up about individual instances instead of addressing the larger pattern just makes things worse.

Does he have arms and hands? Can he sort his own laundry and ironing out? I suspect you do his laundry, so why not leave it to him as he is perfectly capable of doing it himself.

I can see his point if you're sending him outdoors because you don't like the dark (use a torch!) or you don't have your hair and makeup done. What would you do if he was away or if you were on your own? You would just have to cope!

Surely loving someone means wanting to help them without keeping score. He sounds awful.

We do that all the time - if someone is getting up to go to the loo we might ask them to grab something from the fridge on the way back, and like you if someone has just come in from outside and has outside shoes on etc it's completely normal to say 'while you've got your shoes on would you mind just...' for whatever outside task. That makes so much more sense than one person taking shoes and coat off while the other person puts them on! Also assisting in a completely minor way looking after his own kids isn't doing stuff for you. Lastly it's normal in our house to just leave stuff like that by the door and whoever is going in our out takes it to the bins / posts the parcel / drops off something at the neighbours. So that's him completely over reacting and I would be less than impressed after the awful day that you've just had, that he wouldn't actually just do this automatically rather than just walk past them.

It's interesting that he is focusing on the one thing that you haven't had chance to do, and interpreting it as 'leaving something for him' and resenting it, rather than thinking of all the things you have done all day, which I bet include some things specifically for him (washing etc). He could probably do with exploring why he does this because in a healthy relationship you both do things for each other and try and split the load equally, without asking.

However saying all that, maybe it's your reasons for asking him for things that have got to him. For example if I was going out and someone asked me to pop into a shop I was passing, no issue. But if we are both at home and someone asked me to go to to shops, because they didn't want to because they felt like they needed a load of product on their skin to do so, then to be honest I wouldn't be so keen. And also it's hard to know from your post how often you do this, make his life harder because of illogical hang ups.

So although he did over react today, I guess it might be due to a build up of frustration over a long time and ita hard to know how evenly chores and errands are split between you (in most couples the man over estimates and the woman under estimates thier own contribution so might be worth reminding him of all you do)

YANBU
I ask my OH to do these things all the time.
Sometimes it's maybe just a bit old fashioned. Sometimes it's because it's something that would.be really hard for me (scared of spiders for example).Sometimes it's just cos it's easier...the person who just walked in and has their shoes on pops back out.

Your husband is a dumb arsehole, I can't believe his audacity quite frankly

Your wording here makes it very clear that you want folks to vote in your favour, even the pa little I shouldn’t ask him favours.

i think the nappy bag wa fine, but I’d be pissed if my husband was among me to go to the shops in the evening. I suspect the nappy bags are as he is fed up of it.

i really would focus on your anxieties, but urge you not to get into your pyjamas and take your make up off until bed time. Or accept when you do so, the shops are out of the question

He shouldn't have got cross about the nappy bags but the other examples you gave must be really annoying. I'd have no patience with being asked to go to the shops after I got back from work because my partner had already taken her makeup off. Just no.

It sounds like he's struggling because of the pressure added to him because of your insecurities. He's not wrong. Sounds like today was the final straw. You not nipping out to the bin for needing a full face of make up, that's so limiting and I can understand why it would drive him mad. Obviously as a single issue without the back story then he is being unreasonable, but with the story, I get it.

You won’t apologise for your “role” in all this? What role?! You asked him to put the nappy bags in the bin FGS, it was hardly a big ask.
YANBU OP. You have nothing to apologise for.

Do you things, 'favours' for him too?

I do things for my DH that he could do himself, he does things for me. That's a normal relationship.

I can't vote as per your instructions, as of course you shouldn't apologise for asking a favour, but OTOH

This might be on an occasion when I’m in my pyjamas. I have issues going out without having makeup on etc so once I take that off, I would have to re-do it to pop to the shops.
If it is really an issue for you to nip out without being smartly dressed and made up, then why do you get into your PJs and take your make up off so early ? I wouldn't be impressed if my dh decided he couldn't go out anywhere unless dressed for work, (for whatever reason) if he changed out of his work clothes early in the evening. You can't really have it both ways.

The nappy bags incident sounds like you both had a really bad day. Logically of course he should have done them, but I kind of get the "have a bad day at work / bad commute then being given a job before you've even shut the front door" annoyance much as I also see from your perspective you'd had an awful day too - although presumably he didn't know that at the time, same as you didn't know anything about his day at the time.
He has apologised for that though, but you think you have a 'right' to make him go out whenever it is needed that one of you needs to. In that, I think YABU.

The nappy thing YANBU but it may be that to him it’s not really about that, it’s about all the other things.

It’s not exactly fair on your husband that he has to trek back out of the house when he’s tired and wants to sit down because you’ve decided to put your pjs on early. If you’ve put them on at a reasonable pj hour (10pm) then it’s pretty shoddy of you to ask him to go out then.

Maybe you should think about whether you need to go out again before you settle down for the night, rather than relying on your husband to go out in the cold.

To be honest it sounds like the thing with the nappy bag was part of a bigger issue, of course he should have just put the nappies in the bin seeing as you had been coping with a sick child all day. But the other things sound like your issues that you need to work on and by the sounds of it you know that, not going to the garage in the dark because of a bat? Really???

I would really like to know how many times per week you ask him to do something like make you drinks, make snacks, or run to the shop of an evening. How much running around is he doing after work outside of sharing the household load?

It would drive me barmy if I had to run around after my partner constantly when I've earned some evening time.

I'm not saying that's the case here, but is there the possibility that it's all one-sided and he's annoyed with that in general?

I'm a SAHM. My DH works full time. I would think nothing of asking him to run the shop or doing anything else that needed doing. No way I'd go out to the garage of a night or in my dressing gown to put something in the bin. Your DH was prepared to walk past the nappy bags! It wasn't like you got him out of bed to put them out. He's being ridiculous and very unhelpful and I'd tell him as much. You've had a bad day too. Partners are supposed to look after each other.

The once or twice a month when you're in your pjs and ask him to go to the shop: is he already home? Is it for family things (key ingredient for evening meal) or is it a snack you've suddenly fancied?

Can't you plan things better so you don't suddenly need things in the evening twice a month?

Nappy bag = fair enough he should do it. But it sounds like its the straw that broke the camel's back.