DH thinks I ask him to do things I can just do myself! AIBU?

[LetsStartWithAir]

Today, one of our DC has D&V. I spent the day cleaning up the aftermath and when DH arrived home, there were two nappy bags at the front door I hadn’t taken out to the bins yet. He walked into the house and I asked if he wouldn’t mind putting them in the bin outside. The reason I asked is that I was in my dressing gown and I don’t like going out the front unless I’m dressed. Not judgemental of others that do go out in dressing gowns. I’m just very self conscious and don’t want to be seen by neighbours because of my own insecurities.

Anyway, this somehow triggered DH into a big rant about why I always leave jobs like that to him.

This made me really upset. I don’t want to be too graphic, but let’s just say that clearing up the D&V was far more offensive than placing 2 nappy bags in a bin. In the end, I put the bags in the bin (dressing gown and all), as they needed to go out asap.

DH has since apologised but said that he is fed up of me asking him to do things that I could do myself. For instance, I don’t like going out to our garage once it’s dark outside. There is a bat that flies right by our back door and I’m petrified. Another example he gave is when I’ll ask him if he’ll go to the shops to pick something up in the evening. This might be on an occasion when I’m in my pyjamas. I have issues going out without having makeup on etc so once I take that off, I would have to re-do it to pop to the shops. This isn’t really frequent. Maybe once or twice in a month that I might ask him if he could go in the evening for that kind of reason.

I also want to caveat this by saying I have struggled with eating disorders and anxiety for many years due to being emotionally and verbally abused by my mum when I was a child. Although I’ve been to counselling because of this, I still struggle with having to look my best in public. I’m not trying to impress anyone. It’s just because on some level, I’m afraid for people to see me without this “mask”.

I said to my husband that I will try not to lean on him so much, but that I didn’t really feel sorry. I explained that he literally got so upset with me when I simply asked him a favour and that even though he has now apologised, he’s using my issues as the reason and I don’t think that’s really fair. I know I’m not perfect, and if he had come to me and told me how he felt, I’d have understood. But after the day I’ve had, a drama over something so small was really the last thing I needed. He’s upset by this and said that he can’t believe I won’t apologise for my role in it all.

Im finding it hard to figure out if I’m the one who’s just being stubborn here and would really appreciate honest replies, even if it’s deemed to be me that’s the problem.

So AIBU?

YABU - just say sorry for asking him favours.
YANBU - he shouldn’t have got mad at you and then should have apologised without passing the blame to you.

Sorry you were widowed so young 💐.

I'm a lone parent with many anxieties, I just need to get on with it myself too. I can see how it would annoy him.

Sounds like there’s a bigger issue than a couple nappy bags to be honest and you guys clearly need to sit down and talk about that. He really chose the wrong time to pick this battle however, considering the day you must have had.
There are ways around your anxieties if you cannot cope with going out in the dark/ in dressing gown/without make up however, so if that’s a big problem for him I’d make sure all chores are done in the daylight, before changing and removing make up for the day.
I hope your husband sees all the good things you do for him and the family as you clearly appreciate everything he does for you.

Of course he should have taken the nappy bags out.

The rest sounds like you’re being a bit wet, sorry.

I think on the nappy bag thing in particular he is totally unreasonable. Totally normal in our house for bags to be left by door for the person who has their shoes on coming through door to deal with occasionally, if the other person has been busy with kids / cooking whatever and not got round to it yet. It's a tiny thing, it's towards caring for the house / kids so both of your job anyway, and if it kids have D&V its all hands to the pump in our house as thats hard work! You must have had a much worse day than him, so I'd be furious he picked a fight over that. Also in most marriages I think there are things that become one person's 'job' as they are better at it, don't mind doing it etc, and as long as it's evenly split that's fine.

However, I can see his irritation with the other things, so perhaps this is just last straw. I understand your anxieties, but if you can't overcome them you need to stay dressed / made up later in the evening I'd say. If it's twice a month to the shops, and you can't go out to the bin, it's not just a once in a blue moon emergency, so it seems a bit bizarre you basically deliberately put yourself in a situation where you can't leave the house and your DH has to do any errands every evening. Different if you are just asking him to pick stuff up when passing, but it's a bigger ask to go out to shops especially. I'd be irritated if someone voluntarily put their pyjamas on and then started saying 'well I can't go I've got my PJ's on, so you'll have to do it'.

Don't get me wrong, I love a pyjama evening, but I am totally unbothered about seeing people without make up on, and would only have to pull on a hoody to feel I could go to the bin, or probably hoody and jeans to the shop, so it wouldn't be a big deal. If I did feel my activities would be restricted, I'd just stay dressed and made up until bed.

So on the whole he is being unreasonable about a little thing like taking bags to the bin, but maybe talk to him at a calmer time about which things he really thinks are unreasonable or you leaning too much on him, and whether you are both doing equal.

Having said all that I hope you didn't some time listing every single gory detail of what your day had entailed with the ill children to make your point!

You're not being unreasonable about the nappy bags - he could just have popped them out before taking his shoes off, but expecting him to get up and do stuff for you just because you've taken your make-up off or are wearing your dressing down is taking the piss imo.

Barring an emergency, if my DH asked me to go to the shops because he was already in his comfies, I'd tell him to piss off quite frankly. I also wouldn't be traipsing out to the bins for him because he'd decided he wasn't looking presentable enough.

I thought she was asking him to go out especially to the shops, not stop when passing, which is different (still not necessarily unreasonable if it for something they both / kids need, and she is busy doing something else useful, but if he has to do it EVERY TIME because of her insecurities and habits that would start to grate eventually.)

@Simplelobsterhat she was, I corrected it and then had a different view. Sorry for the misinterpretation.

This might be on an occasion when I’m in my pyjamas. I have issues going out without having makeup on etc so once I take that off, I would have to re-do it to pop to the shops.

I think if this is how you are then that's fine, but you shouldn't get into your pyjamas before bedtime. Especially as your child had D&V and it was obvious that you might need to pop out to take a bag to the bin.

Your OH shouldn't have got so upset being asked to do a small thing, but it might be that all these small things are piling up because you refuse to go out of the house after a certain time.

He should be sympathetic to your anxiety which it sounds like you have tried hard to resolve. But you should also try to minimise the impact. Just don't get changed so early so you can still go out if you need to.

Sounds like the things you ask are all part and parcel of being a team and in a relationship.

Next time he asks for his tea, a cuppa, snack tell him to stop asking you to do things he can do for himself

Normally I’m team kick your lazy man up the ass but I wonder if his frustration is not about doing jobs in general, but specifically around tasks where he feels your insecurity and anxiety are impacting you? If so it may be that he’s actually trying to communicate he would like you to try and address those things, such as being able to nip out without makeup on.

If you are dealing with the kids more in the day then it makes more sense for you to be doing evening chores and runs to the shop and him the bedtime routine.

I’m with your DH on this one.

It would really annoy me if in the evening my DH asked me to go shop for him.

Or if he asked me to go to into the garage because he didn’t want to for whatever reason.

I would be more than happy to do it if it was something that needed to be done but I’d feel he was taking the piss by asking me to do things that he can do himself or that weren’t a necessity.
Especially in the evenings when I would like some down time too.

Your DH could have easily put the nappy sacks in the bin without question but it sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back.

I completely agree.

It would really annoy me if in the evening my DH asked me to go shop for him.

Yes, the normal thing would be for the person who wants something to go to the shop and ask if anyone else needs anything while they are there.

I really like to hear the other side of the story before I slag anyone off. So many posters on aibu are very quick to judge and they aren't even present.

I agree that the nappy bags were no big deal and he should have done it but repeatedly asking him to go to the shops because you'd taken your make up off would really annoy me!!
Also why do you need all these evening trips to the shop?! I can't think of a single occasion where I need to go out at night to buy something. Just buy what you need in the day!

I agree.

It sounds like you get him to do annoying unpleasant jobs because of your anxieties. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, most people would find this irritating.

I realise you can’t do much about your anxieties but you could delay the nightwear until you are actually going to bed. Or you can just carry on as you are as you aren’t being particularly unreasonable.

It sounds to me that the frustration with the nappies was that he was jumped on the second he walked through the door. It would irritate me but it's one of my pet peeves. No "Hi, Hunter!" just "Do this, Hunter!"

I would also be pissed off if I lived with someone who kept putting their pyjamas on early knowing they won't do anything once they have their pyjamas on. I'd have just started putting my pyjamas on early myself though.

Thanks for the replies.

A number of posters have mentioned me getting changed into pyjamas early. This is not something I do unless I’m unwell, or for another valid reason like yesterday - when I had to get changed due to the nature of the stuff I had been cleaning up. I just wanted to clear that up. I am not someone who comes home from work at 5pm and changes. Actually, I’m usually out at clubs with the kids in the evenings. Like I said, it’s an odd occasion when I would ask DH.

You are both being unreasonable. You need to get dressed rather than still being in a dressing gown st the end of the day. You also need to get a grip on dressing up to go to the bin or the corner shop.

Your husband needs to do basic tasks like take nappies out and muck in cheerfully without complaint.

Your extra descriptions are annoying as I might have voted YABU but I don't think myou need to apologise.

@ZenNudist - did you actually read my posts? Where does it say I don’t get dressed? 🤣

What were the items you desperately needed from the shops?

How many threads on this board have both sides of the story on them? You must find it a struggle here!