DH thinks I ask him to do things I can just do myself! AIBU?

[LetsStartWithAir]

Today, one of our DC has D&V. I spent the day cleaning up the aftermath and when DH arrived home, there were two nappy bags at the front door I hadn’t taken out to the bins yet. He walked into the house and I asked if he wouldn’t mind putting them in the bin outside. The reason I asked is that I was in my dressing gown and I don’t like going out the front unless I’m dressed. Not judgemental of others that do go out in dressing gowns. I’m just very self conscious and don’t want to be seen by neighbours because of my own insecurities.

Anyway, this somehow triggered DH into a big rant about why I always leave jobs like that to him.

This made me really upset. I don’t want to be too graphic, but let’s just say that clearing up the D&V was far more offensive than placing 2 nappy bags in a bin. In the end, I put the bags in the bin (dressing gown and all), as they needed to go out asap.

DH has since apologised but said that he is fed up of me asking him to do things that I could do myself. For instance, I don’t like going out to our garage once it’s dark outside. There is a bat that flies right by our back door and I’m petrified. Another example he gave is when I’ll ask him if he’ll go to the shops to pick something up in the evening. This might be on an occasion when I’m in my pyjamas. I have issues going out without having makeup on etc so once I take that off, I would have to re-do it to pop to the shops. This isn’t really frequent. Maybe once or twice in a month that I might ask him if he could go in the evening for that kind of reason.

I also want to caveat this by saying I have struggled with eating disorders and anxiety for many years due to being emotionally and verbally abused by my mum when I was a child. Although I’ve been to counselling because of this, I still struggle with having to look my best in public. I’m not trying to impress anyone. It’s just because on some level, I’m afraid for people to see me without this “mask”.

I said to my husband that I will try not to lean on him so much, but that I didn’t really feel sorry. I explained that he literally got so upset with me when I simply asked him a favour and that even though he has now apologised, he’s using my issues as the reason and I don’t think that’s really fair. I know I’m not perfect, and if he had come to me and told me how he felt, I’d have understood. But after the day I’ve had, a drama over something so small was really the last thing I needed. He’s upset by this and said that he can’t believe I won’t apologise for my role in it all.

Im finding it hard to figure out if I’m the one who’s just being stubborn here and would really appreciate honest replies, even if it’s deemed to be me that’s the problem.

So AIBU?

YABU - just say sorry for asking him favours.
YANBU - he shouldn’t have got mad at you and then should have apologised without passing the blame to you.

In your shoes I would stop asking him to go to the shop, I know it’s not often but... it’s clearly pissing him off.

But I would also stop doing things for him! ‘Can you let me know how long is left on the timer?’ ‘Can you please check X?’ My answer every time would be ‘No, you’re capable of doing it yourself.’ Yes it’s petty and probably not recommended but it would show him that he’s being a bit of a dick.

You cleared up shit & sick and he can’t be arsed to put a couple of nappy bags out because he thinks it’s doing you a favour?! So what if it is! Don’t people in relationships do each other favours? My husband would just go to the shop if I asked him to because he knows I would and do reciprocate.

You don’t have time for anxiety? Wow! Anxiety doesn’t choose to impact you depending on your situation. Having been through what you have you’d think you’d have more sympathy, she was abused, and her husband obviously knew her issues before having children, asking someone to go to the shop or take a bag out isn’t a big deal

That's correct. I don't indulge it

Feeling anxious is not the same thing as having a medical condition of anxiety

Thats as ridiculous as saying because you are a widow you dont indulge diabetes or a broken leg or asthma

I’m genuinely shocked by some of these responses. My husband always goes to the shop for me simply because I don’t particularly like going. He very rarely complains and I think I’ve gone for him twice in four years. People would really tell their partner to piss off if they asked this?

In my marriage we always do each other favours and help each other out. My husband does all the outside jobs and I can’t think of a single time he’s asked me to go outside at night, he’d just do it for me. In return I pick up the bulk of the cleaning/laundry as I’m at home some days in the week. It’s give and take but the vast majority of the time we both have a willing attitude to helping each other out.

So, unexpected things happen. What if he were to walk out on you or drop down dead (I’ve had 2 friends, one has suddenly died in their 40s, one’s DH suddenly died in his 40s and both have kids). How would you manage to do these things? You need to come up with strategies that don’t involve relying on him to do them for you. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

I grew up in a home of severe mental illness - severe OCD from one parent that meant the rest of us couldn’t live a normal life and had to do all those things he said he silent do. Well guess what, the parents split up, the kids moved out and he had to manage on his own and learn to do all the things he wouldn’t never have done if he had remained part of a couple/family.

I have an autistic child. They have routines and patterns similar to ocd and also phobias however I need to try and get them to become independent before they leave home. I’m also a single parent so can’t just send someone oh to the shops. I did however recently pay for an over delivery of some things I needed from Sainsbury’s because I was still in my pyjamas and didn’t want to get dressed just to go to the shops at 5pm as I’d been doing housework most of the day and was generally knackered.

Can you move your outside bin so it’s nearer your door so you can reach it without having to go outside properly?? Could you pop a long coat on? I must admit I’m someone who hangs washing out whilst still in my PJs when my back yard is on a main road and people are walking/driving by. My neighbour popped over on his dressing down to help me with something I couldn’t reach that needed fixing. Think I might have been in mine too. I’m not saying snap out of if and just get on, as that’s not helpful to anyone with mental health issues. However if it is effecting your life and relationships then you (no th possibly) need to seek counselling or CBT to try and help things move forward before you’re forced to d so as a single parent.

Well it all comes down to the 'would your partner peel an orange for you' question

Different opinion, but you sound rather tiresome. I’m guessing your husband is also tired with having a young kid and is getting sick of you constantly asking for things too. I’m just not like that and am the kind of person that doesn’t anything and everything for myself. I do get annoyed when my husband asks me to do something when he’s just being lazy though, for example to go and get him a drink because I’m going to the toilet or asks me to pass him something he could get himself. It’s annoying so I understand, sometimes people are just overstimulated and when asked to do something by someone who is more than capable it’s the straw that broke the camels back. Your both tired and overworked propbably so just pull your weight more, clearly he doesn’t hunk you are.

Op says he does his fair share. She is talking about him having to carry the burden of her mental health problems. This would get exhausting. If everyone is pulling their weight but one person gets to bunk out because they don't like going out without makeup or find bugs scary or don't like getting wet or some other random thing it would piss me off too I'm afraid. He's just as loaded up as the OP is but is expected to carry the burden of her issues as well. We all get to breaking point

You should really educate yourself on mental health and illness

YANBU, it's his child too, so it's both of your jobs to throw out nappies etc. It is not solely your job and therefore he is not doing you a favour. I had an ex like this, we didn't have kids, but he was constantly keeping score of who did what and got angry if he god forbid went to the shop twice in a row. Dumping him was a relief.

yanbu about taking the nappy bags out.

yabu about expecting your partner to go to the shop just because you’ve taken your make up off. Surely you would have known you needed something prior to makeup removal/pjs (would be different if he was already going to the shop anyway)

So you work outside the home as well?

It really sounds like he's annoyed at being asked to do things because he sees the housework as your job and that he only wants to do housework on his terms.

Do you ever leave the kids with him?

Some of it is fair enough, the nappy bag thing I get but honestly some of what you say is ridiculous and you’ve very much slanted your post to get the responses you want. If you take the going to the shop one…you’ve got changed and then suddenly decide you need something from the shops and your husband has to go because you don’t want to get changed. Honestly, the garage thing I just laughed at.

I’m genuinely shocked by some of these responses. My husband always goes to the shop for me simply because I don’t particularly like going. He very rarely complains and I think I’ve gone for him twice in four years. People would really tell their partner to piss off if they asked this?

If it was just because he couldn't be arsed or was already in his pyjamas then yes, absolutely I would. If he was genuinely unwell or busy with work then that would be different.

There's a difference between doing someone a favour and just dutifully doing as you're told.

Very good 👍