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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I ask him to do things I can just do myself! AIBU?

116 replies

LetsStartWithAir · 21/02/2024 20:38

Today, one of our DC has D&V. I spent the day cleaning up the aftermath and when DH arrived home, there were two nappy bags at the front door I hadn’t taken out to the bins yet. He walked into the house and I asked if he wouldn’t mind putting them in the bin outside. The reason I asked is that I was in my dressing gown and I don’t like going out the front unless I’m dressed. Not judgemental of others that do go out in dressing gowns. I’m just very self conscious and don’t want to be seen by neighbours because of my own insecurities.

Anyway, this somehow triggered DH into a big rant about why I always leave jobs like that to him.

This made me really upset. I don’t want to be too graphic, but let’s just say that clearing up the D&V was far more offensive than placing 2 nappy bags in a bin. In the end, I put the bags in the bin (dressing gown and all), as they needed to go out asap.

DH has since apologised but said that he is fed up of me asking him to do things that I could do myself. For instance, I don’t like going out to our garage once it’s dark outside. There is a bat that flies right by our back door and I’m petrified. Another example he gave is when I’ll ask him if he’ll go to the shops to pick something up in the evening. This might be on an occasion when I’m in my pyjamas. I have issues going out without having makeup on etc so once I take that off, I would have to re-do it to pop to the shops. This isn’t really frequent. Maybe once or twice in a month that I might ask him if he could go in the evening for that kind of reason.

I also want to caveat this by saying I have struggled with eating disorders and anxiety for many years due to being emotionally and verbally abused by my mum when I was a child. Although I’ve been to counselling because of this, I still struggle with having to look my best in public. I’m not trying to impress anyone. It’s just because on some level, I’m afraid for people to see me without this “mask”.

I said to my husband that I will try not to lean on him so much, but that I didn’t really feel sorry. I explained that he literally got so upset with me when I simply asked him a favour and that even though he has now apologised, he’s using my issues as the reason and I don’t think that’s really fair. I know I’m not perfect, and if he had come to me and told me how he felt, I’d have understood. But after the day I’ve had, a drama over something so small was really the last thing I needed. He’s upset by this and said that he can’t believe I won’t apologise for my role in it all.

Im finding it hard to figure out if I’m the one who’s just being stubborn here and would really appreciate honest replies, even if it’s deemed to be me that’s the problem.

So AIBU?

YABU - just say sorry for asking him favours.
YANBU - he shouldn’t have got mad at you and then should have apologised without passing the blame to you.

OP posts:
Lampslights · 21/02/2024 22:01

MiltonNorthern · 21/02/2024 21:23

He shouldn't have got cross about the nappy bags but the other examples you gave must be really annoying. I'd have no patience with being asked to go to the shops after I got back from work because my partner had already taken her makeup off. Just no.

If my husband said to me, I’ve got my pjs on can you go to the shops for me, in the evening, regularly, I’d tell him to jog on. Or if he sent me regularly to thr garage as he was scared of the dark or bats. Or told me he can’t go out In public without looking a certain way then deliberately got changed and then asked me to go do it for him, I’d consider kicking him in the nuts.

Jingleballs2 · 21/02/2024 22:07

I agree I think today has been the straw that broke the camels back, and it's not about not wanting to help put out the nappy bags. Of course he should help after the day you've had, but the other things just sound ridiculous tbh and I'm not surprised it's annoying for him.

Ilovelurchers · 21/02/2024 22:08

I think if I was in your husband's position, while I would be willing to help, I would want to feel you were working on the issues (the make-up ones and the fear of the dark preventing you from accessing parts of your own property in the evening). Both of these are dehibilitatiing phobias for an adult to have - admittedly not totally ruining your life, but preventing you from doing things most adults can happily do. Plus they are impacting on him too on a small way.

I think you need to address them for your own sake and his, and going forwards for your kids too - what if they need you to take them out at night to a firework display or to fetch a toy in they have left out in the garden when your husband is away or... I don't know, countless examples.....

You can get help with phobias - they can be tackled. It's a loving act to do so. Good luck.

PuppyMonkey · 21/02/2024 22:15

This bloke occasionally “helps” doing stuff that needs doing. He’s a bloody hero, no question. Hmm

Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/02/2024 22:25

I think when you have an anxiety disorder it is really hard to understand how it impacts the people around you. Almost everyone I have met like this either does not understand it at all or doesnt understand the magnitude of the impact it has on their loved ones. Are you working on not needing him to prop you up like this? If you did those things yourself sometimes, or he could see you were working on not letting your anxiety run your life, he may be less fed up with you at other times.

Comtesse · 21/02/2024 22:33

Both me and my husband go to the shop in the evening to buy milk etc. It’s not ridiculous to ask him to go once every 2-4 weeks, that’s pretty normal.

Pretty stupid of him to make a huge fuss about the nappy bags.

Not going out without makeup? Mate, this is quite extreme.

honeylulu · 21/02/2024 22:48

I thought he sounded unreasonable about the nappy bags but after hearing the rest it sounds like he snapped following a long history of you expecting him to baby you.

I know someone like that and her husband willingly babies her. She seems to have become more incapable as a result.

Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone will do you good. Get some comfy lounge wear for the evenings and don't put on pyjamas or flannel off your make up until you go to bed.

BookishFran · 21/02/2024 22:59

Perhaps my long term partner (10 years) panders to me but if I mention something I am fancying he will often then offer to go to the shop and get it for me. It's a nice thing to do for someone you're in a relationship with... (and as I now work with a long commute and he is fully WFH he does many of the daily chores like laundry, dishes and hoovering. I grocery shop and cook and then we tackle other bits at the weekend so we are firmly in the equal share/arguably he does more camp).

I think if you ask and he says no, then the matter is left, that's fine. Obviously hassling him when you could expend the energy getting ready and then going is a different matter but that didn't seem the case from your post.

I think the nappy bags were probably a case of feeling put upon immediately through the door. When my partner worked outside the home and I was freelance I'd let him come in, change and get sorted before trying to then discuss things like dinner or weekend plans so it wasn't a barrage of information.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2024 23:00

YANBU.

Where does kindness figure in his response to you?

This is not a kind man.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2024 23:02

There's a part of me that hopes he catches the D&V bug and you can demonstrate to him what smallness and pettiness feel like when he's on the receiving end.

JCLV · 21/02/2024 23:06

He sounds immature and childish.

Mnetcurious · 21/02/2024 23:09

I’m assuming you do him little favours that he’s perfectly capable of doing himself, from time to time? Marriage is about give and take, helping each other out, not keeping score. He sounds very petty and I don’t think it was unreasonable of you.

Fourecks · 21/02/2024 23:17

I voted YABU in regards to the general situation - he should have taken out the nappy bags. It's interesting though that he was willing to apologise for that but you aren't prepared to reflect on your own behaviour.

Yes, a good partner should want to do things for each other. But when those favours are just expected then it does become frustrating.

My husband does this - will change into his pyjamas ridiculously early, then expect me to answer the door or go to the shops.

In essence, he makes a decision without consulting me that then results in more work for me. If he said something like, 'Hey, I'm really tired and I've had a big week but we need something from the shops so I'd really appreciate if you went', then that would be different.

That's where your husband's frustration is coming from. You are making a decision to get into your dressing gown and take off your makeup and just expecting he will pick up anything that needs to be done.

JaneLawrence · 21/02/2024 23:19

I do things for DH that he can do himself, just as he does things for me that I can do myself.
That’s pretty normal in a relationship IMO.

Although the bit about not wanting to go outside if you’ve took your makeup off or you’re wearing pyjamas / dressing gown seems extreme.

pizzaHeart · 21/02/2024 23:21

DelphiniumBlue · 21/02/2024 20:52

My DH does stuff that I don't like doing because he wants me to be happy, and actually likes to do things for me. In the same way that I do things for him. We are married and both consider that we are there to support each other.
There's a lot of stuff I wish he'd be more proactive about, but things like taking the rubbish out at night or doing a corner shop run are ways he can make my life easier with very little effort, and he recognises that.
I'd be wondering why your DH doesn't want to be nice to you, you're not asking for a lot.

This ^
And I don’t think he apologised sincerely. He didn’t understand that he was in the wrong. I’m sure you do a lot for him which he could have done himself. He is on a very dangerous territory with this approach.
His strop was pure nonsense. It was much more efficient for him to take the bag out as he was in the outdoor clothes rather than for you to make a specific trip.

stayathomer · 21/02/2024 23:22

The only thing is it only once or twice a month for everything? See if dh decided something should go out to the shed and I was in the house, or it’s raining and I’m the one who’s been asked to go out, or it’s early in the morning etc etc, it would kind of get a bit annoying. If it really only is the odd time he’s being ridiculous or just had a bad day. Hope the d and v goes quickly

TheHorneSection · 21/02/2024 23:25

YABU for some of it.

The nappy bag is fine, he should have just taken it.

But not being able to leave the house in the dressing gown, or because a bat might be flying around, or because you don’t have a full face of make up on? YABU.

DH has a habit of asking me for quick “favours”. I reckon he’d say they aren’t often. They bloody are, and sometimes it feels like he can’t complete one job without asking me to assist with part of it. Drives me up the wall.

Some of it is fine. But some of it is frankly ridiculous and I don’t blame him for losing it.

Commonwasher · 21/02/2024 23:37

Putting your (shared) child’s nappies in the bin isn’t a personal favour. Neither of you wants them to pile up indoors so you each take them out intervals — on this occasion it sounds you had been kept more than busy with a poorly child, so it’s not not unreasonable for him to put them in the bin… it’s quite unreasonable that you actually had to ask him to! Another person, upon returning to the family home & finding child has D&V and partner has been mopping up both ends all day would automatically take the nappies out, then see what else needed doing…

dimllaishebiaith · 21/02/2024 23:37

The nappy bag thing was ridiculous, he was right there by the door and it only would have taken him a moment

The rest though Im less sure of. On the surface it seems fairly reasonable but Ive lived with someone with anxiety and they always downplayed the impact of their anxiety on those around them but the reality was it had a massive impact on our lives. I wonder if you are not actually fully facing up to the impact its having on him

Its also interesting that you are refusing to feel sorry because he didnt time the conversation appropriately amd had he done it in the way that suited you best not him then would have understood. That doesn't work. You either understand or you dont.

Now dont get me wrong I full well get why after the day you had you weren't in the mood for the conversation and he absolutely could have timed it better. But to say that you would understand if he had said it "right" but because he said the same thing "wrong" you are refusing to be sorry sounds either passive aggressive or manipulative. You either understand or you dont.

Frozenasarock · 21/02/2024 23:48

The nappy thing is reasonable to ask him on this particular occasion.

The every other week expecting him to go out in the evening to the shop because you’ve effectively beaten him to the “pjs, comfy and can’t possibly leave the house” stage is not fair. Be more organised during the daytime or get yourself ready for bed later. Seems like most of these problems with bins, shops etc could be avoided if you remained dressed, made up etc until it was actually bedtime if those are your conditions for leaving the front door.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/02/2024 23:53

Yanbu.
I bet if you stopped doing all chores and favours for him he'd notice pretty quickly

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/02/2024 23:54

GinForBreakfast · 21/02/2024 21:02

I can see his point if you're sending him outdoors because you don't like the dark (use a torch!) or you don't have your hair and makeup done. What would you do if he was away or if you were on your own? You would just have to cope!

Yeah but she DOES have a partner so she shouldn't have to cope and struggle as though she doesn't . I'm sure DH gets a lot of wife work and benefits from her.

Boymum2104 · 21/02/2024 23:59

Sounds like a true gent 😂

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2024 00:29

Ask him why he thought that having a go at you, that ended up in a long argument/discussion, was a better use of his time than spending less than 30 seconds putting something in the bin.

Ask him why he thinks that he doesnt need to be an active participant in family life.

Ask him what makes him so important that he doesnt have to deal with any (literal) shit.

Ask him if he wanted a wife or a maid. If he wants a wife then you deserve a husband who is an equal partner in the bad stuff as well as the good. If he wants a maid then he gets no sex and you get paid.

Mirabai · 22/02/2024 00:58

It’s difficult to say as there’s right and wrong on both sides.

I wokld find it super annoying to live with someone who couldn’t go to the garage at night or go outside without makeup. There are likely to be other neuroses too.

My general rule in life is to do the things I’m terrified of. The fear subsides quite quickly I find.

Equally, I used not to go out of the house without getting ready - not necessarily makeup but some sort of jujing. I wasn’t scared in this case, just vain. Now I can’t remember why. I just made a decision one day to stop so I did. I learnt that the world doesn’t end if you don’t have your hair perfectly coiffed.