DH thinks I ask him to do things I can just do myself! AIBU?

[LetsStartWithAir]

Today, one of our DC has D&V. I spent the day cleaning up the aftermath and when DH arrived home, there were two nappy bags at the front door I hadn’t taken out to the bins yet. He walked into the house and I asked if he wouldn’t mind putting them in the bin outside. The reason I asked is that I was in my dressing gown and I don’t like going out the front unless I’m dressed. Not judgemental of others that do go out in dressing gowns. I’m just very self conscious and don’t want to be seen by neighbours because of my own insecurities.

Anyway, this somehow triggered DH into a big rant about why I always leave jobs like that to him.

This made me really upset. I don’t want to be too graphic, but let’s just say that clearing up the D&V was far more offensive than placing 2 nappy bags in a bin. In the end, I put the bags in the bin (dressing gown and all), as they needed to go out asap.

DH has since apologised but said that he is fed up of me asking him to do things that I could do myself. For instance, I don’t like going out to our garage once it’s dark outside. There is a bat that flies right by our back door and I’m petrified. Another example he gave is when I’ll ask him if he’ll go to the shops to pick something up in the evening. This might be on an occasion when I’m in my pyjamas. I have issues going out without having makeup on etc so once I take that off, I would have to re-do it to pop to the shops. This isn’t really frequent. Maybe once or twice in a month that I might ask him if he could go in the evening for that kind of reason.

I also want to caveat this by saying I have struggled with eating disorders and anxiety for many years due to being emotionally and verbally abused by my mum when I was a child. Although I’ve been to counselling because of this, I still struggle with having to look my best in public. I’m not trying to impress anyone. It’s just because on some level, I’m afraid for people to see me without this “mask”.

I said to my husband that I will try not to lean on him so much, but that I didn’t really feel sorry. I explained that he literally got so upset with me when I simply asked him a favour and that even though he has now apologised, he’s using my issues as the reason and I don’t think that’s really fair. I know I’m not perfect, and if he had come to me and told me how he felt, I’d have understood. But after the day I’ve had, a drama over something so small was really the last thing I needed. He’s upset by this and said that he can’t believe I won’t apologise for my role in it all.

Im finding it hard to figure out if I’m the one who’s just being stubborn here and would really appreciate honest replies, even if it’s deemed to be me that’s the problem.

So AIBU?

YABU - just say sorry for asking him favours.
YANBU - he shouldn’t have got mad at you and then should have apologised without passing the blame to you.

If everything is divided quite fairly then most reasonable people wouldn’t mind doing things for their partner purely because the other person doesn’t like doing it. For whatever reason my DH does not like putting air in his car tyres. I don’t understand why and sometimes I want to roll my eyes over it. But then I remind myself that he will get up out of a sound sleep and remove a spider from the bathroom for me (and we live in Australia for context). So I drive his car to the petrol station and put air in the tyres!

Maybe your DH feels like it’s one way traffic with these ‘favours’. Have a conversation with him and keep an open mind about whether you’re being reasonable. Also it’s an easy fix if you don’t like being seen in your pjs - don’t wear them around the house. Put some ‘leisure wear’ on, tie your hair up and you’ll be perfectly respectable for a trip to the bins.

Baffling. You had spent your time soothing a sick child, clearing up D&V and his first thought was to complain?
Not ask how he can help with his family?

What man wants his wife feeling unsafe in the dark? Some women are fine with your situation, but some feel unsafe. We all have our hang-ups. You're allowed to have some too and if he can't manage adding to the shopping list when he's on route it would seem you have a dh problem.

He doesn't sound like he's able to regulate his emotions. Was he hangry?

I think you are being disingenuous and I think you know it too. The taking out the nappy rubbish is indicative of a pattern of avoidant behaviours dictated by your anxieties. This is where your H’s frustrations stem from.

There’s a big difference between not having the time to take out the rubbish to not wanting to and deliberately leaving the job to your H because you didn’t want to.

Congratulation's, you overcame a fear of going outside in your dressing gown by going out in your dressing gown, you should be proud of yourself.

How early are you changing into your pyjamas? Are you changing into your pjs early to avoid having to leave the house after dark?

The issues aren’t the ‘favours’ it’s the anxiety led patterns of behaviour behind the ‘favours’.

Im sorry that you had a difficult relationship with your mother but you do need to continue working on your anxieties because an anxious parent will impact your child negatively and soon you will be expecting your child to modify their behaviour to accommodate your anxieties. I can’t imagine it’s much fun being anxious and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that for your children either.

This isn’t about your H being a lazy arsehole, it’s about a H frustrated by his wife’s anxieties leading to avoidant behaviour.

Chivalry is dead

It has the whiff of dressing gown of doom over this story - though he overreacted to putting the nappies out.
i’d be triggered if I lived with someone who decides to put on their PJs before I’m home to signal that they can no longer go outside but expect me to do so on their behalf.

For someone who won't go outside without being fully dressed with make up on, you spend a lot of time in pajamas and I can see how that would get tedious for him

Nappies are OK to ask

All the rest about going to the shops....no. I think the make up, bats, dark and everything else is an excuse.

I’m on the fence here because I technically think you’re being a bit unreasonable (esp re the makeup thing) but I also kind of think what do women keep husbands around shortening our life spans for if they’re not even going to go to the bin with nappy bags…my husband cheerfully does the latter fortunately for him but in your position I’d struggle not to say something harsh about other things you let him do for you that you could almost certainly do much more effectively yourself

If he thinks he shouldn’t do anything you can do yourself, that leaves him with absolutely nothing to do.

Because you are capable of doing anything that’s needed to raise children and run a home. Many, many women do just that without a man in their home making them miserable.

Tell him if he insists on only doing what you can’t then he is obsolete

Tbf, "kindness" for people with anxiety can get really exhausting. One of my family members also cannot go out without makeup, which is exhausting for the rest of us who have do things for her.

I guess from her perspective it's only x time every x weeks, but actually, repeat that over years and years, and after a long day at work or doing our bit of house chores, it can get very grating to come home to obey those demands – demands bc we have NO choice at all – based on what is objectively a silly reason.

When OP says "after the day I’ve had, a drama over something so small was really the last thing I needed" actually summarises my feelings about those demands we have had to obey for years, no matter how tired or busy we are, or face being accused of being unsympathetic and unkind, etc etc. Definitely I sympathise with both parties on this occasion though, especially given how OP cleared the D&V.

However, I know I would say this, but I would say my family are all patient and empathetic. But we are also allowed to have feelings and limits. OP's DP has apologised for snapping, but he's upset that OP won't apologise, which I think is fair on his part. I definitely don't expect OP to beat herself up over her issues, but "he’s using my issues" (and framing these regular ad hoc demands as "favours") sounds a bit manipulative and selfish of OP IMO, like he can't even mention them or get a bit frustrated after years. It sounds like something they should be working on together rather than DP continuing to enable her.

I think he is frustrated, rightly or wrongly, dealing with all your anxieties and insecurities. There are so many anxious and overthinking women on MN. I admit I would struggle being with someone like this.

I'd also find it quite exhausting to be with someone who couldn't do basic tasks as needed during the day, have you had any counselling or help for your anxiety?

But it gets dark at 4pm in the winter. Even as a woman who understands safety fears, I would struggle to live with someone who couldn't leave the house alone after 4pm. Or even 7pm tbh.

Why wouldn't he want to help? Especially when the kids were ill. And who decided that taking stuff to the bin was your job?

My dh can be a bit like this at times. I point out that he's not doing me favours he's doing jobs for the family.

Whilst there is nothing wrong with the odd favour, request to pick something up etc. Do you think he is getting pissed off because he is tired and these are all extra things on the end of a long day when you might appear to him to be all cosy in your pj's and done for the day. I think that might piss me off a bit too if it became a regular pattern. I have a parent who has form for constantly asking others to do things for them that are a pain like going out to the car, running upstairs eetc and its just a lazy habit. It has grated on me all my life and as a result I'm a bit the opposite going out of my way to prove I am capable. So whilst of course you worked hard that day dealing with sick kids maybe over a longer period he is feeling a bit sensitive to the types of jobs you always ask him to do, maybe he thinks you should stay dressed and not put your pj's on till later so that you don't render yourself unable to do these things? Try viewing it from his viewpoit too. I don't think he is being as unreasonable as others have suggested he just hasn't communicated what the real issue is.

When DP and I do favours for each other, pick up each other's slack, it's voluntary. Even if 1 person does a particular job 90% of the time, we know that at a push, the other person could/would do it... which makes all the difference.

I think the issue is knowing you really don't have a choice, even at short notice, and for quite a silly reason (I know anxiety is debilitating, but the harsh truth is nobody cares whether you have makeup on unless you're a Hollywood celebrity). I hate coming home to my family member who's just waiting around for me to do her shopping, because she won't go out without makeup too. I feel like her carer.

Of course kindness and compassion comes in but after years, getting a little frustrated once or twice – even if it was on a poor occasion, like after you'd cleaned the D&V, which he apologised for – is reasonable. Your DH isn't a robot or saint!

Are the 'leaving the house after dark/once you are settled for the evening' jobs split fairly? Do you equally do evening jobs that are a favour to him?

You sound hard work OP. Get these insecurities resolved and don't rely on him for silly things . You'd have to manage on your own if he was away for any reason .

isnt the point of a relationship that you feel comfortable asking each other to support each other and go to the shops or take the bins out etc. it’s a partnership isn’t it, you support the household together. You haven’t asked him to do anything that other couples wouldn’t ask of each other

I don't think yours asking a lot! I think the popping to the shop on the way home is no big deal?

Some relationships are odd IMO, just help each other out,

I can't see why he didn't open the door, see the bags by the door and just pop them in the bin. I would with other posters, anxiety is driving your other requests though.

Maybe once or twice in a month that I might ask him if he could go in the evening for that kind of reason.

Do you also pop out to the shops in the evening if he asks you to about once or twice a month? Is it balanced?

It sounds like the OP is asking him to leave the house again in the evening once he is settled, instead of just going herself.

@Kalevala you are correct, sorry I misinterpreted that, in that case YABU OP. It's not like you have to get small children ready to go to the shops, it's just you popping out.

I agree with this, I've also been widowed since my children were a baby and 3 year old so I don't have the time for anxieties, I obviously do all of life's jobs alone. So have little sympathy