Daughter still hurt over childhood

[Gran648]

My daughter and I have a good relationship and we live close by so I see her and my 18 month old grandson most days.

A few years ago, she started going to therapy and soon after brought up how much her childhood had affected her, which I took very personally. I feel bad now but rather than listening I got very defensive and lashed out back at her.

I had my DD1 (now 35) when I was 23, her dad didn’t want to know when she was born. We lived with my mum/step dad who supported us until she was around 5/6 so they were very close and like parents to her. Sadly, my mum became ill with cancer and passed away when my daughter was 7. This had a huge impact on both me and her. A lot of grief. Around this time I had started a new business and my partner of a year or so moved in with us in a new place (now married) and a few years later we had another DD. My partner was a lifeline for me when my mum died and we all became close to his family. Around this time my DD also started seeing her dad again and she would go there every weekend. Her relationship with him hasn’t been great for various reasons. In the early years, DD1 also didn’t have a great relationship with my partner.

My DD is now saying how isolated and segregated she felt and as though she had lost her family unit when my mum passed away, and I had a new one with my partner and DD2 and also a business that I was running. She feels as though she wasn’t given enough support and it was hard for her to blend into a new family. This hurts me very deeply and something I had never intended. It seems she has carried this with her for years and now I feel as though I am the focal point for her anger. We’ve had several arguments about it.

I just wondered if anyone else has any experience of anything like this and aibu for getting defensive about it?

YABU to have been defensive. She tried to talk to you about how she feels. Some parts of your DDs life are very similar to mine. I also went for counselling in my late 20s/ 30s I tried to speak to my mum about how my upbringing had affected me and I was either wrong/ lying or exaggerating. It forced a big wedge between us.

We eventually talked through things and honestly some subjects are just a no go zone with us and she has absolutely rewritten history over a lot of it. But we both want a relationship so we live in the present.

I have had to accept that not everything was her fault and that she did do what she thought was right at the time. Altho I'm still not sure I actually believe that she didn't just do what was easiest for her a decent bit of the time too, but I can't say those things.

She has had to accept that she did f*ck up over some stuff. I'm not sure if she actually believes that either because she likes to be the victim who had no say over how her life went. But also doesn't say that.

I'm projecting my experience IDK what you're like. Just trying from your DDs POV. Life is messy

She had me at 22, dad not around, GPs stepped in, became very career orientated, choose an absolutely woeful step father.

When you argue, what's your position? She says she felt isolated and as though she didn't fit in, and you say...?

I quoted the part I was responding to. I’m not sure what you mean by (quoting a section to clarify what I am addressing) I think it's pretty outrageous to think that a random opinion based on a one sided summarised version of events should have more weight. more weight than what?

OP I haven’t had chance to read all the comments here but there was a thread this week from a step parent that found it difficult having their step children home and there were lots of comments from the perspective of the child / those that were raised in a blended family which might be interesting for you to read

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5011329-this-is-just-fairly-standard-in-blended-families-isnt-it

I think any mother would be defensive if told by their child that they didn't have a good childhood. It's a natural reaction. We do our best by our children but we are not perfect, not one of us.

I had a pretty bad childhood in many ways but, as I've got older and had my own children, I have reflected on it and realised that my mum had a huge amount to deal with and little to no support from my dad or other family, and actually I can acknowledge my own struggles while still understanding she did what she could in the circumstances she was in.

We need to let these things go (unless we are talking about actual abuse) what do we expect our parents to do about it at this stage in our lives?

My sibling often refers to how they were overlooked and not given enough attention, and refers to our terrible childhood... it's funny because I remember it as the opposite, that they were so loud they were the centre of everything and I melted into the background to facilitate them.

But I'd never get anywhere if I tried to argue it, as they've had so much therapy they insist the world is out to get them. So I just go along with it and grit my teeth for an easier life.

I think this is very common. But I would just say I don't think your siblings is the way they are because "they've had so much therapy" or (necessarily) because of anything in their childhood. I think they sought therapy because they were unhappy due to some unmet need, which may also have been why they needed to dominate the family when young, and it still wasn't enough. Some people just are not happy and not capable of self reflection or balance in recognising the needs of others in their lives. I don't know if therapists are poor at finding ways to manage this or if (as I suspect) it doesn't really matter what a therapist says if their patient is only open to one perception of events.

Acknowledge her hurt, explain that you were trying your best at the time. It’s likely she wasn’t at the heart of all decisions you made but here we are. It sounds like you turned things around well but she still feels the hurt.

Be kind, be humble, you made the decision to be with your partner, start your business, have another child, she didn’t, acknowledge that.

Show her love, spend time 121 with her.

100% agree with this.
It's the latest trend

you say life is not one thing or another while insisting the daughters world view must be centred. What I was saying was I don’t think that a good idea.

I think this is a great response. I know my Mum did her best and frankly after what her childhood was like she did amazingly, but that doesn't mean there weren't major issues in my childhood. I love her dearly, but it would mean so much for her to just acknowledge that some of the things in my childhood weren't ok and did have a massive impact on me. but she can't deal with the truth and that will always be there between us.

I know I don't get everything right with DC, and if as adults they come to me and say that their childhood was still affecting them then I will listen to their pain and acknowledge it and apologise for the hurt they've been through, because I know you can be a good loving parent and do your best and still fuck up and because my children not being in emotional pain is more important than me keeping up the facade that I got everything right. No parent gets everything right, I hope the bits I mess up aren't big in their lives, but if they are I will do everything I can to fix what can be fixed.

I think usually people focus on their experience of negative events in their childhood when their present life is too much. If my daughter was behaving like this I’d be looking at what is happening now for her and how I could help if that was appropriate.

@Gran648

I can relate to your daughter feelings her story aspects of it resonate with me,
I experinced something similar too

For all those saying the therapists have to be careful and that all this therapy is a bad thing - you dont know how therapy works. It is true some people will use their therapy to prop up their entitlement and skewed view of life. But they would do this regardless - its not the therapists fault. Good therapy would look at acknowledging your feelings and looking at how you go forward in a healthy and helpful way - which does not usually involve blowing up family relationships unless they are deeply toxic. One MN thing is the encouragement to go LC or NC. Therapists know how difficult and damaging this can actually be and are unlikely to recommend it.

One perspective: therapy is something where you often feel worse as you get into it. Her feelings of anger and sadness may well be intensifying as she goes over things from the past. My advice to you would be to listen as much as possible and to perhaps think about getting some therapy yourself?

I'm sorry that she's angry with you, it must feel awful. I can see where she's coming from, though. The things described would be very difficult for a child to deal with and it sounds like she has insight into her feelings about it, which is good. You can only hope that she works through her emotions and comes out the other side. My therapist once told me I'd be ready to stop going once I stopped feeling so angry (with my own mother). And she was right, I did.

I'm adamant a lot of therapists make a good grift out of guiding patients towards their childhood being the root of all their problems.

Yes you are being unreasonable for getting defensive about it. There is nothing for you to defend, your child is telling you how the situation (and your choices) impacted her aged 7/8. The impact is real, the impact cannot change now. You cannot pretend it didnt happen, or wasnt like that, because for her it did, and was, regardless of your 'reasons' or version of events.

The only thing you can do is listen, sit with it, and at the very least acknowledge her feelings, her trauma. Getting defensive about it now is immature. Some expression of how the situation could have been handled better by the adults involved could go a long way. It also would not be inappropriate to say that you were blinded by grief at the time, and express how sad you are that it had such a negative impact on your daughter.

I think its true that when you have your own children these things can come to a head. You can either develop more empathy for your parents and what they went through (seeing their mistakes as ones you could repeat), or you can develop more empathy for yourself and what you had to go through as a child (with the knowledge you would not do that to your own child).

You moved in with a guy she didn't get on with. You then had another child with him.

I can see how that could be very damaging.

She must have been around 8. The onus wasn't really on her to foster a relationship with him. I can absolutely see where she's coming from on this.

I don't think you've done yourself any favours getting defensive about it with her.

Does she think she is the only one to have suffered a problem or upset in childhood?
What's it going to solve.
Live life, enjoy, tomorrow is not guaranteed?

I wonder if you’ve posted about this before, OP? Apologies if not you, but did your DD1 have to spend after school at your office/workplace and DD2 go to private school?

It sounds like you were in some hard circumstances when she was young. It is bound to have had an effect on her - all that change. It sounds as if you were doing your absolute best but it would have been impossible to cover all bases.

I think that you need to work on the defensiveness. Your daughters feelings and experiences are obviously valid. You can’t go back in time now you understand how it all affected her and change things. What you can do is support her and tell her how sorry you are that she has experienced such sadness. Maybe share with her some details of the hard time you were having also and make her understand that you did not intend to make her feel this way and that sometimes as parents we drop the ball in things.

if you react with defensivenesss and invalidate her feelings she will stop trying to repair your relationship or confide in you. Her openness with you on this actually shows how much she values your relationship and wants that intimacy with you.

For what it’s worth, I had to care for a family member with cancer recently and I 100 percent know that there are times when, because I was juggling a thousand things as not coping myself, my children’s needs were not met. It happens. It sucks. We are only human.

can you access counselling to deal with your feelings around this? It is not easy accepting criticism as a parent but you need to in order to be a good one!

Just because she's not the only one that's suffered in her life that doesnt invalidate how she's feeling. What a stupid take on it

Childhood shapes who we are - it's a natural place to start.

I disagree that "going to therapy, picking apart their perfectly normal childhood and blaming all their problems on it" is a trend.

If nothing else, because therapy is expensive.

And also, because even if childhood is the problem, a therapist will then focus on the solution.

I know lots of adults who have great relationships with their parents.
I also know lots of adults who don't.

Funnily enough the ones going to therapy and unpicking their childhoods come solely from the second group.

I’m sure it’s hard to hear this from your daughter, but YABU if you don’t hear her out and try to understand. It’s not right to get defensive and argue with her about it. It’s okay to feel emotional and uncomfortable, but take some time and have a think. Really try to consider this objectively. It sounds like that was a tough time for you both, but she was a child. All she had was you, having just lost her GM, whereas you moved in a new man who did not have a good relationship with your DD. This sounds like a bad decision (though one made in grief and vulnerability I’m sure). This situation is a very reasonable thing for a child to feel isolated and sad about. I understand that it was a hard time for you too, and we all make mistakes. I don’t think there has ever been a perfect parent under the sun. You weren’t perfect, you’re human, you made mistakes, but overall it looks like you have done okay, given that until now you’ve had a good relationship.

However, you made the decision to move in with a new man even though you knew your child wasn’t happy or comfortable with him and you did so at a very vulnerable time for her when she had no one but you to rely on. It’s not fair to dismiss her feelings now and I suspect it’ll damage your relationship if you do. Have a think and then go to your daughter with kindness and empathy.

I often do a hard eye roll at all the people on SM who make posts and memes about being traumatised. Im fairly certain a lot of them are just angsty teens.

That said OPs daughter is not (as far as we’re aware) posting on SM, or even saying she is traumatised as such, just that her childhood affected her negatively in some ways.

That is not at all what people are saying!