Daughter still hurt over childhood

[Gran648]

My daughter and I have a good relationship and we live close by so I see her and my 18 month old grandson most days.

A few years ago, she started going to therapy and soon after brought up how much her childhood had affected her, which I took very personally. I feel bad now but rather than listening I got very defensive and lashed out back at her.

I had my DD1 (now 35) when I was 23, her dad didn’t want to know when she was born. We lived with my mum/step dad who supported us until she was around 5/6 so they were very close and like parents to her. Sadly, my mum became ill with cancer and passed away when my daughter was 7. This had a huge impact on both me and her. A lot of grief. Around this time I had started a new business and my partner of a year or so moved in with us in a new place (now married) and a few years later we had another DD. My partner was a lifeline for me when my mum died and we all became close to his family. Around this time my DD also started seeing her dad again and she would go there every weekend. Her relationship with him hasn’t been great for various reasons. In the early years, DD1 also didn’t have a great relationship with my partner.

My DD is now saying how isolated and segregated she felt and as though she had lost her family unit when my mum passed away, and I had a new one with my partner and DD2 and also a business that I was running. She feels as though she wasn’t given enough support and it was hard for her to blend into a new family. This hurts me very deeply and something I had never intended. It seems she has carried this with her for years and now I feel as though I am the focal point for her anger. We’ve had several arguments about it.

I just wondered if anyone else has any experience of anything like this and aibu for getting defensive about it?

I think sometimes therapy does more harm than good. I’m the same age as OPs DD and the number of people getting therapy and digging up the past negatively is huge.

Sometimes things need to be dug up - abuse etc and those things need to be tackled. But genuinely what is the point of picking apart a slightly shit childhood when your parents did their best?

Some of us look back on our childhoods and find fault in things that are normal. It’s like if it was less than idyllic you have to ‘work through’ it. I really don’t think that’s healthy and it leads to conflict where there doesn’t have to be.

OP in your shoes I would acknowledge her feelings and then leave it there. You got defensive and I don’t think that’s an unreasonable reaction at first.

When you live with them and have a young lone parent, it is very much magnified.

I wasn't suggesting asking it. We are dealt the hand we are dealt and I say that as someone who did have an abusive childhood. Given the global circumstances of all human existence, if you haven't had sexual or severe, unrecoverable abuse in your background, it's a bit ridiculous to suggest you shouldn't exist.

Sometimes we fall short or or our actions have consequences we didn't foresee or would not have wanted. Very few people have children in perfect circumstances and very few of us are perfect parents.

This is fine - it's not a disaster. We're human, we all mess up and you were young and in difficult circumstances. But why not own it - surely that's got to be better than pretending everything was rosy for her as a child?

Sorry @Gran648 but you have just repeated the exact behaviour that your daughter has tried to open up to you about.

You have dismissed her and made the situation about you.

I understand you lost your mum, but at your own admission she was also a mum to your dd...therefore your 7 year old dd also lost her mum.

You then moved on to a new man, new home and new child and changed your closeness to new husbands family... you did isolate her. You did essentially expel her from your "family"

I agree with others that joint counselling may be required, but a good starting point would be to apologise to your dd.

I think it is really. All this “you pleased yourself/put yourself first/didn’t consider dds feelings” type responses seem to be under the impression OP shouldn’t have married or started a business. To me that’s not what being a mother is.

Good grief there are some unpleasant responses here.

It’s natural to feel defensive OP - it’s not easy being a lone parent, and you love your daughter and want you want to know is that you have her a happy childhood.

You did well enough - she’s a functional adult with a child of her own, but from your sketch she did have a tricky childhood - a dad that came and went, a stepdad she didn’t get on with as a kid, and then half siblings coming into a situation in which she already felt insecure.

As a PP said, having children often brings up one’s own childhood. The best thing you can do right now is apologise for being defensive, tell her how much you love her and that you understand things might have been tough for her, but that you didn’t realise how tough.

I wouldn’t especially encourage her to talk to you about it in depth, as you are both likely to feel hurt and it’s probably better she does that with a therapist or her friends. But if she wants to talk about it a bit, try and hear what she has to say, and allow her to have her own interpretation. You can acknowledge her feelings while owning the fact you did your best.

I’m guessing she is still youngish (early 30s?) so as she gets older, and parents older kids, she will have more understanding of the challenges you had, even if she uses her experiences to perhaps navigate some situations better than you did (or is simply in a better situation). So don’t imagine where she is with it now is where she will always be.

It’s perfectly possible for you and your daughter to have a strong and genuine relationship while living alongside the fact that she is dealing with some upset about her past, so don’t allow this to become more than it is.

How many therapists are really competent though?

And who becomes a therapist? In my experience they are a mixed bunch. I have a colleague who is also a psychotherapist and he would be really measured and focused on a good outcome in the patient's life now. I would trust him with anyone's mental health. But I have seen people training to be therapists who truly should not be influencing people's lives, and I have also seen friends (especially one receiving several courses of funded therapy after domestic violence) who have definitely not been in good hands. It has made me question how careful therapists are in alienating their patient from their family.

No...people are not saying she shouldn't have had her life.

People are saying she should ha e considered her dd and her grief/needs and prioritised making sure that her dd was included.

Take a look at the step board if you need to see the flip side of this.

Agree with others on the odd language. Even the thread title isn't balanced and reeks of blame. I'd suggest op that soon you will stop having "arguments" as she will just stop asking you to listen which is what a lot of people have described doing with their parents.

YABU for not simply listening to her and acknowledging her. What happened may not be intentional on your part, but it did happen. All you need to do now is hear what she has to say, empathise with her and apologise. Explain your point of view in a calm and respectful way to say you didn’t mean it, but also be sorry for how she’s ended up feeling.

Why have you singled out the grandparent dying? It’s the whole series of events at that vulnerable time that matters. Also, she was partly raised by her GM by the sounds of it. They were very close. This loss would be more akin to losing a parent than it would for a child who sees their GM for a few hours every now and then.

I think the major problems come after the death. A new man moved into the child’s house at this time, particularly as the child doesn’t appear to have been comfortable with him, then there’s a new baby, and the dd now for the first time has to spend weekends with a dad she didn’t even really know. Each of these things are tricky in isolation. All of that at the one time sounds like it would be very tough for any child.

I don’t think the OP disagrees with the daughter’s version of events. The disagreement seems to be more about whether or not the daughter is entitled to feel how she feels about events that are factual and acknowledged by the OP.

One of DC has also brought up problems they apparently had as a child, how i was not adequate, failed them in some way. In reality I have been hurt as I did my absolute best for them every day. Tried to help, tried to always listen, always provided well etc.

Now I just started to say "sorry you feel that way, however I did my absolute best. Sorry if that wasn't enough" and leave it. Funny enough now they have grown up a bit they realise that actually they were pretty comfortable!

I read it more as the daughter wishes the IP to accept her version and feelings as the one true version and feel bad/apologise. As far as I can tell OP doesn’t and I’m not sure if she really has anything to apologise for.

Others may already have said this, but is it worth separating out a) the fact that some things were difficult for her and b) the blame factor?

It sounds like a lot of things were genuinely difficult for her that weren't your fault e.g. her dad being rubbish, her nan dying, you needing to work, DD2 getting to live with both her parents when DD1 did not.

If you can make her feel "heard" and acknowledge that yes those things were difficult, that might make a big difference to her. It doesn't mean they were your fault.

@Gran648 as someone who had dysfunctional parents when growing up, I think you need to accept that the way your daughter feels is Valid, acknowledge it and apologise very sincerely.

I'm sure you did the best you could, but unfortunately, your best, at the time, wasn't enough for your daughter and has left her carrying a load of pain which she is now trying to deal with. It is understandable that your initial reaction to what she has told you is to feel 'defensive', because none of us like to feel we have failed our children, but you need to accept that, in this case, you did fail her and that if you love her you will do whatever it takes to help her.

My Mother was in her 80's before she could admit that she had failed myself and my siblings - but that was as far as it went. She kept saying things like ''It's such a long time ago, can't you just forgive and forget? It's in the past''. She couldn't understand why our relationship wasn't one of very close best friends, although I visited and spoke on the telephone, a lot. She never actually got the understanding that the things that happened when I was growing up had a life-long impact on who I am. I did eventually come to understand that she had, like you, done her best, and forgave her - but I couldn't ever forget.

@Octavia64 - sorry, maybe I misunderstood - your kids, in their 20's, blamed you / gave out to you for getting into an accident that left you in a wheelchair???
(Rather than just expressing their regret about - again, sorry if I misunderstood)

You chose a man over your daughter's happiness. Of course that is going to leave lifelong scars, and you essentially attacking her for having justified resentment only goes to illustrate the selfishness of your choices.

Around this time my DD also started seeing her dad again and she would go there every weekend. Her relationship with him hasn’t been great for various reasons. In the early years, DD1 also didn’t have a great relationship with my partner.

🤦🏼‍♀️

I think you are unreasonable for getting defensive. As others have said, you don't appear to have put an 8yo's needs first all those years ago. Whilst this wasn't deliberate, you need to own and accept your mistake. Not doing so means you will always be the focus of your daughter's anger. It's extremely hard to admit to mistakes but you have to both recognise the mistake you made and apologise. You cannot say "I'm sorry if I made you feel like that but it wasn't intentional". You say "I'm sorry I caused you to feel like that".

So you are doing what OP is not doing - validating their feelings.

I'd also disagree that any parent "does their absolute best". None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. It doesn't make us bad parents to admit that we did something with the best intentions but it had a negative impact on our child. Or that we didn't do something because we were exhausted or prioritised something else. Or that simply, maybe our best wasn't good enough because we needed more support.

"This hurts me very deeply"

It's not about you, it's about her.

She's not apportioning blame. She's just telling how she feels. She's entitled to her feelings. Listen to her. Tell her you're sorry that that was her experience. Tell her it was never your intention.

In a nutshell, get over yourself.

So the sexual abuse and emotional neglect that happened in my childhood and prompted me to go to therapy once I had my own child, and which has helped me immensely, was orchestrated by my therapist?

This. I think op lashed out because of guilt knowing deep down that she didn't make decisions based on what was best for her dd.