Daughter still hurt over childhood

[Gran648]

My daughter and I have a good relationship and we live close by so I see her and my 18 month old grandson most days.

A few years ago, she started going to therapy and soon after brought up how much her childhood had affected her, which I took very personally. I feel bad now but rather than listening I got very defensive and lashed out back at her.

I had my DD1 (now 35) when I was 23, her dad didn’t want to know when she was born. We lived with my mum/step dad who supported us until she was around 5/6 so they were very close and like parents to her. Sadly, my mum became ill with cancer and passed away when my daughter was 7. This had a huge impact on both me and her. A lot of grief. Around this time I had started a new business and my partner of a year or so moved in with us in a new place (now married) and a few years later we had another DD. My partner was a lifeline for me when my mum died and we all became close to his family. Around this time my DD also started seeing her dad again and she would go there every weekend. Her relationship with him hasn’t been great for various reasons. In the early years, DD1 also didn’t have a great relationship with my partner.

My DD is now saying how isolated and segregated she felt and as though she had lost her family unit when my mum passed away, and I had a new one with my partner and DD2 and also a business that I was running. She feels as though she wasn’t given enough support and it was hard for her to blend into a new family. This hurts me very deeply and something I had never intended. It seems she has carried this with her for years and now I feel as though I am the focal point for her anger. We’ve had several arguments about it.

I just wondered if anyone else has any experience of anything like this and aibu for getting defensive about it?

Good for you OP. Honestly wasn't expecting you to come back. And if it's helped you to open your heart and improve your relationship with your DD, that's brilliant.

I hope your talk with your dd goes well op.

I just wanted to add that perspectives can change over time. I was very hurt by what I perceived to be poor parenting by my mother right up until I was in my fifties. And then I parented teens myself and found it very difficult and then I realised my mother, although not perfect, was a product of the way she had been parented and had coped pretty well in the circumstances, and I felt totally differently towards her, and I apologised to her!

This doesn’t apply to op’s situation, but, at the risk of being flamed; I don’t think some young adults remember very accurately how difficult they were as teens, and that’s ok as it is all part of the normal process of maturing in to an independent adult, but it means sometimes their perspective is a bit skewed and what they perceived as unsympathetic or overly harsh, or unfair parenting, may have been a parent’s reasonable reaction to quite challenging behaviour. But you are not allowed to mention that sort of thing nowadays as everything automatically seems to be the mother’s fault, and the father who buggers off escapes criticism of course!

Good luck OP

Gran648 I think it's commendable that you are prepared to rethink and be flexible. Many people just double down on their original stance. It takes great strength and humility to be open to adjusting your mindset.

You may even find that it will be possible for your DD to come to a position of being able to see how difficult those days were for you too, if you validate her feelings and acknowledge her hurt.

This sounds like me an my own mum, she got very defensive aswell an said she always felt in my firing line an I cudnt let go of things I went through as a child but after having therapy myself an being a mum myself an seeing how we are all just human trying to get through each day an winging it being a single mum trying to do our best at 36 I now in the last year I don't hold it against my mum anymore an she also is more open to the fact that things wernt that nice for me an she played a part in it but at that time she was just trying to get through life .... I think in time an it does take time she will come see as her own kids get older you wernt to blame but maybe U could just put yourself in her shoes an say you can understand that mustn't have felt nice an your sorry an we are all only human xx my kids are 15 an 9 an iv struggled an gad difficult desions to make along the way an not always been the right ones an now I understand my mum more an don't hold so much against her, for me I'm not sure about your daughter but I needed her to validate my feelings an not jist say oh dont be so silly xx good luck

I think you need to accept her reality for what it is and put aside any feelings of shame it might provoke for you.

Your daughter is being very honest and vulnerable with you and this is an opportunity for you both.

How you react here is important. You don't have to eat shit forever and accept that you're a terrible parent or anything. You just need to acknowledge that it was a difficult experience for her and say you wish you could have made it easier on her. If you can do that it will likely go a long way to helping her resolve her difficult feelings.

If it helps OP, I'm experiencing something similar, but I'm the child in the relationship. After a recent upsetting issue, I've told my dad how some of the way he acts and behaves makes me feel and how much hurt it causes me - now and in the past.

The only responses I've had have been angry and aggressive (his wife defending him), defensive and accusatory. He's intent on telling me all the ways I'm wrong and how much upset I've caused him. He's rewriting history, telling me all the ways I'm in the wrong and always have been.

It's horribly painful. I'm so glad you're taking on board how your daughter feels and want to listen, that's the very best thing you can do.

@BreathingDeep

I went round that system for years with my father. Stopped speaking to him years ago, and have been much happier since. Solidarity, but, also... leave. You're not obliged to keep someone shitty in your life just because they're your parent.

I know this is unsolicited advice, but I wish someone had said it to me. I wasted years 'trying'.

@Gran648

Did you have good enough support being a parent yourself ?

Cause that makes a world of difference

I admire the way that despite it being emotionally painful you want to listen and learn from what your daughter has to tell you,

I think 🤔 if you take up this opportunity and going into therapy to address any of particular issues arise from talking with her whether together or on your own,

You could be susprised the difference it makes..